


The Seconds Between Us

by OftheLilies



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Canon Compliant, First Kiss, First Time, Fluff, Hint of Irondad, In the Beginning, Infidelity, M/M, Mutual Pining, Not so good with communication, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Rough Sex, Sokovia Accords, Some Plot, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Wall Sex, both love each other, they are both idiots
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-08
Updated: 2018-12-31
Packaged: 2019-03-01 22:30:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 51,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13304685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OftheLilies/pseuds/OftheLilies
Summary: It all starts with a night that was suppose to be Tony’s final goodbye to the Avengers Tower and all it represented. With just one visit from Steve that all changes. Tony wants nothing more than to be rid of him for good, even if his actions say otherwise. Only, Steve has a proposition that is hard to walk away from.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello Readers!
> 
> First of all thank you for checking out this fic. I’ve had the idea in my head since probably before September… It was one of the fics that I was like nooo don’t write it, concentrate on the happy things and then accidentally wrote the entire thing over various computer sticky notes. Happy I ended up doing so! Special thanks to [Nix](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Evanna3994/profile) for doing a great job betaing this fic. Also, thanks to my friend [Elevensy](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Elevensy/profile) for doing an initial read through and listening to my grousing. 
> 
> Trigger warning for some minor violence. The fic references a lot of the movies but doesn’t contain major spoilers to the most recent ones (Spider-Man/Thor) thus far. There is an about… 70% chance that I will end up turning this into a multi-chapter fic. Depends a lot on my mental state, being able to work out longer plot, etc.. For now will be marked complete until I make a firm decision.
> 
> I hope everyone enjoys the fic. Comments and kudos make my day!
> 
>  
> 
> [Tumblr](http://ofthelilies.tumblr.com/)

**August 3rd, 2012**

 

“Captain Steven Rogers is here to see you Sir,” JARVIS’ voice resounded through the workshop. The music had been shut off, indicating it may not have been the first time he’d attempted to get Tony’s attention.

 

Tony blinked up from what he had been soldering, not quite certain he’d heard that right. “Captain America, Captain Steven Rogers?” he asked for clarification while staring blankly at the tool in his hands.

 

“The very one, Sir,” was given back to him dryly.

 

“Oh, let him up then.” Tony put the tools down, wiped soot off his hands and gave himself a once over. It wasn’t great. He hadn’t slept in a couple days and he knew it had to be reflected in his hair and face. The shirt he was wearing had coffee stains and creases in odd places. Tony tried to smooth that and his hair out before Steve Rogers could arrive.

 

He hadn’t heard a word from Steve since they parted ways months ago after the Chitauri incident. He’d only finished renovating Avengers Tower a couple weeks ago. The rest of New York City was still in the stages of recovery. Tony was doing his best to speed that up so that its residents could get back to their lives. Perhaps looking at an unbroken environment would eradicate some of the new fears they now lived with every day.

 

Staying at the newly named Avengers Tower part of the time while this went on had felt like a good idea two weeks ago when he’d been given the clear.  Now, with the constant reminders of what happened back in May he was a lot less confident. Even when putting his suits to work on the reconstruction of the city he felt more of a hindrance than a help. It wasn’t enough, he wasn’t doing nearly enough.

 

Steve walked in looking, well only a way Steve could look. Helplessly suspended in time. Fashion choices seemed to be a jumble of different periods. Nothing was 1940s besides the hair, but Tony couldn’t be sure what was going on with the rest of him. He wanted to immediately tease Steve about it, but wasn’t sure how it would be taken. Sure, the guy had shook his hand upon leaving last time… But what else were you supposed to do after a teammate nearly died after falling from outer space?

 

“Hey Cap,” Tony said, mostly to break the silence. Steve had been studying his appearance and wasn’t doing the best at masking what he thought of it. “Bruce’s workshop is a floor down if you are looking for him.” He could also be in the smaller workshop that connected to the common area, but Tony weighed the probabilities and found it unlikely.

 

“Hey,” Steve paused. “Mr. Stark,” he continued hesitatingly. The uncertainty would have relaxed Tony if he wasn’t wired with so much coffee. “I’m actually here to see you.”

 

“Tony is fine,” Tony muttered moving over to another workstation and began fiddling with objects that lay there. Not actually doing anything, but relieving his jitteriness. It also felt like a good reason to not look Steve directly in the eye. “What can I do you for you Captain?”

 

“Steve,” he responded, most likely out of politeness. A pointless answer to an implied demand for reciprocation. Steve had moved over to one of the other workbenches. Curiously reaching out to touch one of the many projects Tony had there.

 

“I wouldn’t do that. She bites,” Tony muttered darkly, not looking up to see Steve’s eyebrows raise in perplexion.

 

“I like what you’ve done with the place. Seems like you’ve put in a lot of work since the attack.” Tony jerked at the mention of said attack. Didn’t really appreciate the whole small talk niceties thing happening right then. Would rather have Steve insulting him again or at least get to his point.

 

“Oh? Better than the outside then?” Tony asked looking up and trying to inject humor. It fell short of the mark. Steve had insulted his tower their first go round, how gracious was Tony expected to be?

 

Steve took a deep breath while looking away before taking a couple long strides into Tony’s personal space. Surprised, Tony backpedaled into the bench. “That’s part of why I’m here. I’d like to start over Tony.”

 

“Start over?” Tony asked looking up into blue eyes that appeared as earnest as the sun was bright. He blamed his heart picking up on fear. It was the easiest emotion to own up to in that moment.

 

“I’ve been reflecting a lot,” Steve began.

 

“On your little road trip?” Tony questioned. Wanting to turn his gaze elsewhere, but it felt like admitting defeat.

 

“Before that, but during as well. I made a lot of snap judgements about you and that was wrong of me. Given what I know now I’d take back various things I said if I could. Short of that I’d like to wipe the slate clean if you are open to it.” His voice was so official sounding. Tony wondered if he recited these things and practiced before coming up here or if the compelling delivery of the words was just something Steve did naturally with ease.

 

“Sure,” Tony said immediately, like he actually had a choice in the matter. It was a nice offer, though Tony had his doubts about how long they would stay cordial. He could honestly say that when he started today this had not be anywhere near his radar.

 

Steve stuck his hand out. “I’m Steve Rogers. You may know me as Captain America.” A teasing nature to the words.

 

“Oh, we are doing this. All the way. Like this. Okay,” Tony stared at the hand extended towards him before clasping it. Steve’s grip was strong, but not in an overly assertive way. “I’m Tony Stark. Genius, Billionaire, Playboy, Philanthropist.” Steve looked like he wanted to make a comment but resisted. “You may see me flying around in a red and gold suit sometimes. Hard to miss.”

 

“Honor to meet you. The strides you’ve made in science within your lifetime are truly inspiring. I’ve been reading up on it. I don’t understand most of it, yet, but from what I’ve gathered you have helped save a lot of lives. Your work with intellicrops alone is very impressive.”

 

Tony found himself at the edge of gawking. Now Steve was complimenting him? Had he lost so much sleep that he was in a state of delusion? “Uh. Thank you,” Tony said while Steve gave him this big smile. “I uh-” Tony backed away from Steve, moving to another work area. “It’s uh-” He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been this short on words.

 

“I hear you were friends with my father. Won’t hold that against you, no worries,” Tony breathed and then picked up into a faster pace, “It’s an honor to meet you too. Grew up listening to stories about you. You were my hero,” Tony paused wishing he could backtrack on the last part. Erase it from existence. Oh man, he needed to figure out how to get a good night’s rest.

 

Steve had paused himself. Eyes widening and giving him an almost childlike expression. “Really?”

 

“Yeah,” Tony said stiffly and then continued under his breath, “Got a whole room in the Stark Mansion with memorabilia and everything.” Not that he went there often.

 

“You’re joking,” Steve said looking a mixture of embarrassed, fascinated, and little perturbed at the idea. Tony had forgotten that the serum helped boost senses such as hearing. He was forgetting a lot of things lately, such as how to control his mouth.

 

“I mean I didn’t start it. Howard did. Never mind this isn’t important,” Tony replied, quickly scrubbing his hands over his eyes to wipe away the tiredness. Steve’s expression had changed to that concerned one Tony was too use to. “What’s more important is your wardrobe Cap. What is happening there?”

 

“Don’t like it?” Steve questioned tilting his head.

 

“I think I just said that. The pleats, Cap, the pleats.” On anyone else those khakis would have been a complete disaster. Steve’s legs were nice enough that he could get away with it, barely… But when you looked as good as Steve you shouldn’t be barely getting away with anything.

 

“It’s not that bad.”

 

Tony walked back over to him, finding strength in this distraction. “Steve.” Tony placed his hand on Steve’s shoulder, ignoring the way the muscles moved underneath his palm. “From one Avenger to another, we have got to save the world from seeing you like this. Let me take you shopping for twenty-first century clothing.”

 

“I don’t want to wear a bunch of monkey suits Tony,” Steve said, but his mouth was twitching upward.

 

Tony tried not to feel offended. “Yeah, okay. I’m not dressing you to look like me, don’t worry. You couldn’t pull it off. We’ll go all sporty or something. Uh we’ll see. Just not this.” Tony gestured at the shirt which appeared to be channeling the 70s. The worst parts of the 70s.

 

Steve gave in and started really laughing hard then. Tony was so shocked at the sound of it that he just stared open mouthed until Steve had finished. If he found out he’d dreamt all of this while nodding off he would not forgive his subconscious. “Tell you what,” Steve began. “You get some sleep and you can take me wherever you want tomorrow.”

 

Tony must be worse off for wear than he thought if Steve was now bartering with him about his sleep. He wasn’t the first to attempt it, but wearing what he was... It was too tempting an offer to refuse. “Yeah, alright. We can do that,” Tony agreed. “Stay in the tower in the meantime?”

 

“If you have a guest bedroom to spare that would be great.” Steve was once again smiling. It was the kind of smile that filled you with warmth. Tony wasn’t sure how to handle this turn towards friendship with Steve. Hadn’t completely wrapped his brain around any of their interactions over the last few minutes.

 

He might as well be upfront. “I actually have a floor for you,” he said slowly. Drawing out certain words so that the sentence became weirdly structured.

 

“What do you mean?” Steve asked. Most likely not because of the words themselves, but because of how they had been said.

 

“Well,” Tony started and brought his hand to a table top. He thrummed his finger against the surface. “During the rebuilding process I thought since it had been renamed the Avengers Tower it would make sense to give all of the Avengers their own spaces in the tower. So I designed living quarters for each of you in the case you were in the area.” Tony changed his posture so he could easily speak with hand gestures. “Uh don’t feel obligated to use them after today or anything. Just they’re there if you ever need a place to crash or if we are getting ready for a group mission. Not really sure what the arrangement you have with Shield is.”

 

“You designed a floor, specifically for me?”

 

“That about covers it.”

 

Steve took a minute in which he allowed the silence to stretch. Appeared to be processing the words and Tony’s anxiety built while he waited. “Gee, that’s very kind of you Tony.”

 

“Just made sense. To me,” Tony said shrugging.

 

“Thank you. I’m headed to Washington in a few weeks, but if I could stay here in the meantime that would be great.”

 

“Sure. Happy to host the living legend. Nothing to thank me about. Just doing my civic duty or something. Really it’s everyone’s tower now. Come over whenever you want. I’ll probably be back on the west coast full time again after the rebuilding of the city is done. So you don’t even have to run into me.”

 

Steve was staring at him with an unreadable expression. “You really are something Tony Stark.” He clapped him on the shoulder before walking out of the room while asking for his floor. “Get some sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

 

Tony collapsed into the nearest chair upon hearing the doors shut. “How bad was that JARVIS?” Tony asked referring to his sleep addled, nearly incoherent, conversing abilities. If he wasn’t so practiced at embarrassing himself he’d be blushing right now. As it was he felt too tired for all of that.

 

“Not as bad as the 2002 interview Sir.” JARVIS didn’t need to specify which one. Tony groaned into his hands, but couldn’t wipe the grin off his face when he realized he was taking Captain America out shopping tomorrow.

 

Not a single badly placed word could take away from that.

 

 

* * *

  


**Present Day**

 

It’s funny. How no matter how much time goes by what you can never forget. Your mother’s last words. Your father’s rare praise. A stranger’s footsteps.  
  
He had a bottle of something expensive in one hand. Had been contemplating it for hours. Taken in the smell of it, but didn’t dare to drink any. It would start with one sip and end with the whole bottle. He had too much on his plate to be able to afford even one drunken night.  
  
Almost too much that he could afford not to.  
  
Sitting with his legs splayed out in front of him, he leaned back against the cool glass to take in the view. Here in his first real home since his parents had died. Not that the mansion had ever been a home, but his mother a reprieve. Something familiar about Howard’s scorn that he could see a welcome mat in it. Tony had been thinking about his parents more often lately. He was trying on a paintbrush that shaded it all in lighter colors.  
  
He came away always seeing red.  
  
Tony had been very present during the construction process of the Avengers Tower. It was his baby. A flagship of sorts. He knew that at some point the room had been gutted like it was in present day, but back then it had been waiting. Waiting for life to fill its spaces and it had. He could see it all. The memories. The rooms were no longer waiting to be filled, but empty. Useless abandoned space of what it had been. Even without any furniture Tony could see it all. Even without the people. He could still see it all.  
  
It’s funny how you can never forget a stranger’s footsteps. Especially when they were once called a friend.  
  
He wasn’t attempting to be quiet, this intruder on Tony’s goodbye. He could be. When he wanted to. Turn all that weighted muscle into something silent. Something dangerous. It didn’t obey the laws of physics how he chooses to move sometimes. No quiet now, wanting to be heard. Sure footsteps of a soldier. Radiated confidence and a stubborn nature Tony was too familiar with.  
  
It could be the beginnings of a panic attack. His anxiety making him hear phantoms of sound. When he looked up there would be nothing but the stranglehold on his throat left.  
  
_Breathe._  
  
“The beard is not a good look Rogers.” A lie. Look away and upon returning there would be nothing. Nothing but your memories left. “Didn’t you know I have the market on facial hair?”  
  
He was still there. Wearing what looked too similar to the reconnaissance uniform Tony had made for Steve years ago, modified several times since then. All in black, he seemed to skulk within the shadows the city lights produced. He’d never seen Steve in here when the room was this dark. It would have been easy to chalk this up to imagination if it wouldn’t have been for the longer hair and beard going on. When Tony imagined Steve he was a clean cut thing of light.  
  
Not whatever this was.  
  
He seemed more in the present than Tony had ever seen him. Words were rebounding in his head. _A god. You once made a god out of this man. How willing you were to worship, follow him._  
  
“Don’t like it?” Steve let his hand wander along his jaw, touching it in a look of contemplation. Still too far away for Tony to take stock of his eyes. Determine his intentions.  
  
“Think I said that Cap.” Tony tried to not let anything telling into his own voice. Trying not to show how shaken he was by hearing that voice. One that couldn’t seem to leave his thoughts or dreams. He should be attempting to determine the level of hostility present without riling Steve up. “Oh right, should probably figure out a new nickname. Not exactly Captain America anymore are you?”  
  
Some things were easier thought than done. The tick in Steve’s jaw was readable from here. Tony had to smile at the small victory. Winning one skirmish after he lost the war seemed pointless.  
  
Still a little thrilling.  
  
And that was the problem. Thrill seeker he was. Always had been. Before Iron Man there had been extreme sports. During, villains... and now there was this. The challenge that he always wound himself up to meet.  
  
“Stop.” Tony called out, the word echoing. Steve was more than halfway across the room. Tony’s sunglasses were just out of his reach. Just a slide of a hand and he’d be able to call a suit if needed. If Steve came any closer he could gain enough speed to crush Tony’s hand before he could do a thing. Uninstalling FRIDAY from the these floors of the tower had been undoubtedly premature. Not wearing a watch had been stupid. His phone was tucked in a jacket that had been cast aside onto a railing in the room. Too far to factor into any potential plans.

  
Unprepared and sitting on the ground like an open target. He needed Steve where he was.  
  
“Never thought you would look at me that way.” Steve had come to an open abrupt stop. Body looking statuesque. The control he had over it was absolute.  
  
“What way?” Tony asked biting, thinking. He’d still take a few hits if he called the suit before it got there. Worse case scenario would send him flying through the window, again. Suit should be able to catch him before he hit the ground. Tony doubted Steve was here to do something quite that homicidal, but he was not going to give him the benefit of the doubt either.  
  
_Breathe._  
  
Tony was in therapy. Again. Hadn’t really left it but changed professionals a few times. Never really a right fit for his issues. How do you recover from falling out of a worm hole and not knowing how one would react if it happened again? How does one cope with being partially responsible for the many deaths of innocents? How do you handle Captain America exploiting your weaknesses, his shield crushing into your chest? How do you process him pretending to be your friend like so many others in a long line of traitors?  
  
Maybe the last one was more mundane. His new therapist was really into breathing exercises. Sometimes they helped with the attacks. He doubted they were going to do him much good now.  
  
“Like you’re afraid.”  
  
Tony snorted. How much bravado can a Stark muster? A whole world’s worth. If you pretend not to be broken long enough reality will come to heel. Come to heal you into what you’ve convinced yourself to be. “Bigger monsters out there,” Tony lied. Not that it wasn’t true to the world, but it wasn’t true to him.  
  
How quickly fear can turn a hero into a villain. How easily power can turn a man into a monster. Tony continued to assess the distance between them. Decades lay there and it was no comfort.  
  
Steve didn’t like Tony’s word choice. Easier to tell now that he’d been basked in the beams of other buildings. There are green in those eyes. Somewhere, despite their blue brightness. He was being careful not to spook. Holding his hands out like they weren’t weapons.  
  
“I told you, you could call me.”  
  
“I don’t recall calling and yet here you are. I don’t think your system is working right.”  
  
“Drinking?” Steve asked, his head indicating to tilt at the bottle.  
  
Tony could pretend he had. Fake drunkenness. Use it to his advantage when Steve let his guard down. “Just thinking about it. Have all these new responsibilities with you gone. Weird kid keeps hanging around. Good influence, you know the drill. Sorry, did know the drill.”  
  
Ignoring the barb, “The spider boy?”  
  
“Spider-Man Steve. Man.” They both gave each other a look. Steve laughed. Tony would have three months ago. Worked to keep his mouth in an impassive line now.  
  
“Surprised you have someone so young on the team.” Disapproval.  
  
“Not an Avenger,” Tony muttered. “He’d get into more trouble if I wasn’t around. I think. We’ll see. Big fan of yours though,” Tony said as Steve walked back out of the light. Not closer, but edging around a perimeter Tony had made up in his mind. One that Steve appeared to be aware of.  
  
“Ah yeah?” Steve questioned, smiling.  
  
“Couldn’t shut up about you,” Tony said because even now there was something about that smile. He’d wager Howard had screwed him up real good because even now a smile could be everything despite the pain that surrounded it. “Do you have to keep telling people you are from Brooklyn? Everyone knows that. It’s like knowing the capital of,” Tony paused looking for a word. “Massachusetts.”  
  
“What’s the-“  
  
“Don’t start.”  
  
“I didn’t grow up with my name in the media. I don’t expect everyone to know everything about me when I’m having a conversation with them.”  
  
Tony rolled his eyes. The things Steve faulted him for. “Fair enough,” Tony said choosing not to engage. He could see the straight path to them stupidly bickering if he did and where would that land either of them? The silence went on longer than both could take.  


“I hear congratulations are in order.” Tony stiffened. Not because of the words themselves, but the cold look that accompanied them. If adrenaline hadn’t been flooding his system before it certainly was at the moment. The conversation was hitting a turning point where Tony could be more certain of what action needed to be taken.  
  
“You’re being oddly elusive today. Why don’t you tell me what I need to be congratulated over? I’m a very accomplished guy you know.” Tony winked and accompanied the words with empty gesticulations of his hands.  
  
“Your engagement.” The words sounded vaguely like a curse. Fell to the floor as if they weighed thousands. Tony couldn’t help but be surprised.  
  
“That’s why you are here?” Tony asked carefully and could feel his heart pounding in his chest. Last he’d officially checked Steve had been seen headed toward Wakanda. At which point Tony had claimed to have lost the ability to track him. Apparently news traveled fast. What would Tony say if Steve said yes?  
  
_Breathe._  
  
A long pause on Steve’s part. Searching eye contact as he tried to come up with words. Whatever Steve saw caused him to look away once more. “You’re an idiot.”  
  
Tony felt mildly affronted and it was also a non answer. “Pretty sure my IQ would run circles around your IQ.”  
  
“Meanwhile your common sense is tripping and falling into every ditch it can find.” It was mostly annoying because Tony wanted to laugh at that, but wasn’t allowed to anymore. Had that right taken away from him.  
  
“I’ve never made a smarter move in my life.” Tony decided on, trying to work his face up into a glower. “So that’s not why you’re here?”  
  
“No.”  
  
Difficult to read him once again, but his hands were no longer in an open placating gesture. They were curled into fists that had the power of a wrecking ball behind it. Tony swallowed uneasily.  
  
“Haven’t had time to send out invitations yet. Promise I’ll send you one,” Tony lied. “So no need to come hunt me down.” He plastered a media worthy smile on his face even as his legs trembled. Wouldn’t it be simpler if that were the extent of it? Steve condemning his and Pepper’s relationship. Tony could handle that. Couldn’t handle much more at this point.  
  
“Really, Tony?” Hearing his name in Steve’s mouth was a shock to the system. He wanted to shovel it out so Steve would never be able to use it again. The idea of wedding invitations hadn’t pleased the former captain in the slightest. If anything he appeared to be gathering up anger as he stood there. And what right did he have to that anymore? Assuming he had any right to begin with.  
  
“Yes, really. Why are you here?” Tony said the words as firmly as he could. A voice he rarely broke out except in board meetings gone wild. Which let’s face it, if that were the case he was usually the cause.

 

“I wanted to see you.” Tony could feel himself working past fear and into the anger he saw in the face of an enemy. Let it grow in him, partially hoping it would swallow him whole.

 

“Okay, I know you can be a little slow on these things Cap, but when you bust your shield through a man’s armor you don’t get to do these drop-bys. When you’re a war criminal you don’t get to come up to an Avenger for a hang out. What did you want? For me to arrest you? I’m really not in the mood to get up, call the suit, and kick your ass.”

 

“Because that went so well last time.” Steve was baiting him and Tony couldn’t help but take it. Part of him missed these moments while the rest loathed every minute of it.

 

“It was close. Closer than I thought possible given two super soldiers teaming up on me.” Steve grimaced while Tony looked on bitterly. More bitter for Steve acting like it was painful to think about. “You don’t have your boyfriend with you now. You’re on my turf, we are several stories up. I may not be the master strategist, but odds aren’t in your favor this round.” Which was probably true working under the assumption Tony could get his suit in time. Otherwise, this would be a laughable fight on his part.

 

“More to strategy than odds.”

 

“So that’s what you are here for, a fight? Going to make me get up from the ground and everything aren’t you? Put on the suit he tells me.” Tony mocked with a half grin on his face.

 

“Can you take this seriously?”

 

“You don’t want me to take this seriously because then I would be forced to do something about it.” Smile sliding off his face. Chin jutting out in defiance at this captain of his. Don’t make me do it running through his mind.

 

“I don’t want to fight,” Steve said and it appeared honest. He may have not have grown up with Tony’s childhood, but he sure lied like he had.

 

“Then leave. You don’t belong here anymore. Moreover you aren’t welcome here anymore,” Tony replied indicating the door.

 

“Can we just-“

 

Steve had stepped into Tony’s imaginary perimeter of too close for comfort. Tony didn’t hesitate on making a side dive to where his glasses lay. Using his right hand to fling the contents of the bottle in the direction he expected Steve to come at him from. None of his movements were nearly fast enough. He had a finger brushing against a frame when a hand curled around his wrist to slam it up against the glass window behind them. The other knocked the bottle so it spun across the floor spraying liquid everywhere it went.

 

_Breathe._

 

The reminder of the exercise was pointless. Terror had him right where it wanted. Steve was knelt over Tony barely breathing at all. It did nothing but emphasize the height and size disparity. Steve didn’t let go of either of his hands. The one held against the glass was in a tighter hold than the one pinned to his side. Tony debated kicking Steve but didn’t quite have the leverage for it.

 

“I don’t want to fight,” Steve repeated his eyes a dark reflection of the landscape behind them. There was whiskey dripping from his hair where he hadn’t quite managed to avoid it before the bottle had been knocked away.

 

“Sure, why don’t you let me have my glasses then? You don’t fight. I’ll punch.” Tony took in their position and began to think up counter measures against it.

 

Steve was unimpressed.

 

“I’d like them just as an assurance. I won’t call the suit unless I need to,” Tony tried again with less animosity. He could reliably keep himself to that.

 

“Pretty sure if I give you the glasses you are flying out of here before we get a chance to talk,” Steve said almost looking amused. Always acting like he knew Tony so well.

 

It was laughable. Tony didn’t think his brain had ever learned how to walk away from a fight. It was the way they were most similar. “If I’m flying out of here it’ll be to throw you back into Brooklyn,” he managed with hostile quietness. Looking him dead in the eye with as much intensity as he could manage, conveying the depths of his resentment and anger the best he could.

 

Steve recoiled a bit. Tony understood that too. He’d thought he had a better handle on his emotions than he was currently displaying. Even had begun working on ways to improve Steve’s shield, prototype in the works. He’d walked himself through what had happened multiple times. Made himself see and comprehend Steve’s actions. Hoped it would allow him to look at Steve again without all of this clouding his judgement.

 

He was failing at that. Maybe it was the rawness of their environment. That Tony had already been thinking of his parents. The way Steve looked at him. He couldn’t be sure, would have to analyze it later. Maybe talk it out with the new therapist.

 

“What happened in India?”

 

Tony blinked at the change of gears. “Aren’t you well informed? Two guesses at who the double agent is,” Tony said laughing bitterly.

 

“You know you should have called me.”

 

“No civilian casualties. Managed to keep it out of the news. Think we did alright without you Cap.” Tony said dryly looking up at Steve from under his lashes.

 

Steve was clenching his jaw. “Several Shield casualties or don’t they count?”

 

“Nothing you could have prevented.” Tony looked over to the side. “Believe me I’ve looked at it from every angle.”

 

“You’d be surprised at what a different perspective could bring,” Steve grounded out.

 

“Rich in irony tonight I see. We didn’t need you. I didn’t need you, don’t. Get over yourself,” Tony responded looking away to the empty room again. The damage time could do was incomprehensible.

 

“What happened?”

 

“Tap another resource. This isn’t happening,” Tony said decisively, making it clear that Steve wasn’t going to be able to question this out of him. At least now he had a better understanding of why this was happening. For a moment Tony had allowed himself to believe this was all because of warped, misplaced jealousy. He should feel relief that it was an interrogation.

 

He didn’t.

 

Steve sighed and released Tony from his grip. Appeared to be preparing to back off and stand up. Possibly leave the building just like Tony had wanted to begin with. Wouldn’t that be great? Everyone walking away in one piece.

 

Tony liked to consider himself logical. This was the best result they could possibly gain after their previous confrontation. He should be happy and take the steps needed to mend bridges. There were higher stakes than his hurt feelings. They were smart, well intentioned thoughts.

 

Right.

 

Tony punched him in the face with as much human strength he could muster. Didn’t hesitate. Marveled at the way Steve’s head snapped back. A little surprised that his reflexes hadn’t saved Steve from the hit.

 

Then realizing what he’d done Tony stared at his hand in horror, ignoring the quiet sting along his knuckles. Steve had his own wide eyed expression going on before they narrowed. Steve shook his head laughing quietly as blood dripped from his mouth.

 

“That was dirty Stark.”

 

Tony shivered and would have responded with either a quip or an apology if Steve hadn’t prevented him from doing so. One large hand framing Tony’s face. Fingers digging into his jaw to force his mouth open. The pain was dulled once Tony complied.

 

Steve was staring at him like he was actually debating tossing him from the window. Which is why Tony was dumbstruck when their lips met. Tony could have called it a kiss. Their first kiss, but it felt more like a punishment. Steve digging teeth harshly into Tony’s bottom lip, shredding the skin there. Pulling back to take a look at his handiwork before returning. Laving his tongue over the wound in an apology Tony had never wanted.

 

This time when he pulled away Tony managed to find words. “You’re fucking crazy,” was all he could get out. Steve was still watching his mouth, now a mirror of each other.

 

“I don’t think I’m the crazy one here.” Steve had released Tony’s face only to trace his finger over where the blood was welling up. Tony jerked from the pain of it.

 

“Of course _you_ wouldn’t think that,” Tony responded dryly, still in a daze.

 

“Tell me to stop,” Steve challenged and waited, staring down at him. Tony felt more than a little awestruck at the crimson that proved Steve to be just as human as he was. Always felt that way upon seeing it, that, and a deep gut wrenching despair. Idols were not suppose to bleed. Were not supposed to fall. Were not suppose to hurt you.

 

Tony said nothing. Didn’t allow himself to think of the reasons why he needed to say something. Just glared back with all the emotions he’d never been able to make sense of.

 

This time when their mouths came together Tony was better prepared. As one tongue curled to meet another all he could taste was copper. All he could feel was the sting of his lower lip as he tangled his hands in Steve’s hair. Pulled hard so he’d come away with strands even as he brought him closer. Steve had one hand back to his face. The other around his throat sliding idly over his pulse. Just a hint of threat that had Tony nipping lightly at the cut he’d given Steve.

 

The vibrations of a moan had Tony yanking his head back suddenly. It collided with the glass adding another low thrum into the mix of sensations forcing their way through his body. He looked up and all he could see was black in Steve’s eyes. Knew in that moment how doomed he was.

 

It was then that he should have come to his senses. Demanded Steve to get the hell out of there and never touch him again. Despite the wildness in the gaze that met his, Tony knew he would listen. Would remove himself and it would be another few months before Tony saw him again.

 

“Come here,” Tony ordered lowly. Every time Steve pulled away gave him time to think. He didn’t want to go where thinking brought him. It was something only Steve seemed to be able to manage. Grounding him into the present where no ideas of the past or future could blink their distractions.

 

He didn’t wait to see if Steve would comply. Just yanked him back hard enough that their teeth banged together. Years worth of desperation scraping its way to the surface. Tony dug his fingers into Steve’s shoulder to gain leverage. Pushed himself closer so he was just off the floor. Chest to chest with the man that he shouldn’t be touching like this. Touched him more. It was never going to be enough.

 

Meeting small rings of blue that were more familiar than his own eyes was startling. It reflected back everything he’d ever felt. Ever thought. All the moments of restraint because the world would come crashing down the second they came together. Tony waited for his vision to be filled with rubble next. Breathed in a shaky breath that Steve was temporarily allowing him. Tony looked down at all the complicated straps and zippers happening in Steve’s outfit.

 

“Mine is better,” Tony gasped. Wondering if T’challa had been the one to play dress up with Steve or someone else. “That is unnecessarily complicated.”

 

Steve’s chuckle vibrated through him like a roll of thunder. More enthralling than a show of lighting. Tony was all but forced to cling to him. Force their mouths back together once, twice.

 

“You always do it better, don’t you?” Steve whispered against Tony. Tony was fairly certain it wasn’t a compliment, but couldn't find it in himself to care. The parts of him that cared about what Steve thought of him had frozen themselves into nothingness in Siberia.

 

“Damn right I do.” Tony dragged him down further so Steve had to brace himself against the glass. Drew his tongue along the whiskey that was rolling its way down Steve’s face. “Tell me otherwise when we’re done and I’ll know you’re a liar,” he pushed farther.

 

Steve used his free hand to tug Tony’s head back, exposing his throat. He bit down on the sensitive skin there. Tony cried out when Steve continued lower. Mixing the sharpness of teeth with sucking bruises into his skin. Upon reaching the collar of Tony’s shirt Steve moved his hand there. Ripped it clean down the center.

 

Tony looked down at himself. At his scars and heaving chest. Back up to Steve who had straightened and was staring at him with the kind of reverence reserved for deities. Tony knew then that Steve would tear him apart searching for the answers only a body could give. Take him to pieces to figure out the truth of this. Tony would let him, help him, because he’d wanted this for as long as he could remember. Lied to himself about it into the ages. There was no more room for that, no more air left to breathe a single word of contradiction.

 

“You’re paying for that or your new sugar daddy is. I’m not choosy.”  

 

Steve was smiling and there was nothing warm about it. Still, Tony was drawn to it like there was fire not ice. Like if he touched Steve he’d be consumed by him. He hoped to be burned alive because then there would be no more tomorrow. Just this moment where nothing was more complicated than how quickly you could get skin back on skin.

 

When Steve touched him he was alight. Arching into it because Steve wasn’t one of hundreds. He was singular. The only one in his orbit and Tony would have to come to terms with that, later. Not now when Steve’s mouth was back on his skin licking his way down. Whispering words that Tony didn’t have the hearing to pick up. Didn’t particularly care about picking it up when a hand landed on his zipper. Felt the hardness there. Tony wanted to say he had never been harder in his life. That it was to the point of being painful. Everything with Steve felt good until it became painful.

 

Steve was looking at him seductively from under his lashes. Maybe it wasn’t intentional. Didn’t matter, Tony was captured. Wanted to ask if Steve was too. “Tell me you want this,” Steve said bringing his mouth past the waistband. Breathing over the fabric that covered Tony’s cock.

 

“You have your mouth next to my dick. What else do you think I’m going to say?” Tony asked caustically with bated breath.

 

“I dunno. Guess I’ll have to wait and see.” Steve moved his hand away from the zipper. Curling it around Tony’s thigh, pulling the limb up into a folded position. Used his thumb to rub circles there.

 

“You’re an ass Steve,” Tony said bringing one hand to his forehead.

 

“And you have a filthy mouth. Look where that lands us.” Steve had ducked his head but Tony knew he was smiling. Knew it and hated him for it. How was it that Steve could still smile and laugh with such ease while he sat there in a particular form of torture? He went back through his mind to the number of times he’d thought about painting Steve’s smile with his come. Came back with an astonishingly high number that had another addition to it.

 

“I want you. Fuck me. I’ll fuck you. I don’t give a fuck. I just want you.” Tony chuckled to himself. “Filthy? Give me half a chance and I’ll show you filthy.”

 

Steve’s thumbed stilled.

 

Tony really should have expected it, but was still cursing at Steve when he decided to bypass the zipper. Instead, tearing one of his pant legs to get the fabric off of him and gain easy access. Tony hadn’t been wearing anything underneath, could see the approval on Steve’s face.

 

“You have serious problems Rogers,” Tony barked, because that was seriously unnecessary. Couldn’t say more when Steve had his hand wrapped around him. Already setting a pace that would have chaffed if not for the fact that Tony was leaking an embarrassing amount of precome.

 

“Yeah and they all start with Tony Stark.” Steve used his free hand to fumble through one of his pockets.

 

Tony felt the edges of hysteria almost take hold of him when he saw the small compact bottle Steve pulled out. “You came here thinking you were going to get lucky?” he asked laughing even while the undercurrent of fury worked its way through him. Steve had brought lube to their first meeting after beating him to a pulp. Of course he had, this was par for the course wasn’t it? Tony felt the only real temptation to walk out of there since they’d started this.

 

“I always like to plan for any eventuality,” Steve responded conversationally. Drizzling the liquid onto his fingers. His other hand still working Tony over to the point that choked off moans were making their way from his chest. The thought of leaving quickly becoming a distant memory once again. The power Steve had over him more dangerous, now more than ever before.

 

Tony knew immediately that this was going to be quick and rough. All the way from the prep to the fucking. Couldn’t have asked for anything more. Dug the blunt curve of his nails into Steve’s bicep when he introduced the first finger. Drizzling lube over Tony’s hole as he pushed it in past the first ring of muscles. Steve was rubbing his clothed cock against Tony’s leg, the one that didn’t have fabric covering it anymore. The desperate rutting would have broken any illusions left. Tony pushed back against him, wanting Steve to push harder. One finger became two. There was still blood welling from Steve’s bottom lip.

 

Tony wanted to lick it clean but wasn’t in the right position. Reclaimed his hands in Steve’s hair so he could do so. Kissed him until it was three fingers and not two. Every slide of the digits had nerve endings crackling, Tony scrambling closer, thrusting down for more. Tony had done this before, not with men, but before. Could measure Steve’s inexperience and how much it didn’t matter. His fingers reached places he was certain never existed until Steve had chosen to touch him. Perhaps had existed all along but had been waiting only for him.

 

The notions felt too romantic, when this was a far thing from that. This was a new form of war against each other. Tony could feel the tallies racking up when Steve slipped his fingers free. Let the air fill the spaces between their mouths once again. He felt so empty and had a preview of what it would be like when this was done. Wanted to chase that feeling away as quickly as he could with more. More of Steve.

 

Steve was slicking himself up, unzipped and pulled himself out without Tony taking notice. Had apparently thought to bring the lube along but hadn’t bothered with a condom. Tony wanted to make several very sarcastic remarks on that, but preferred it this way. With nothing between them when everything was between them.

 

Steve held himself against Tony’s entrance. Tony swallowed uneasily. Yeah, he had done things like this before, but never anything quite that long or thick. Swallowed again because he didn’t want to drool over the image in front of him. “Is this okay?” Steve asked not moving.

 

Tony debated strangling him. “Let me think. Uh no. Not okay. Do it anyway.”

 

It was a good enough answer. Steve buried his face at the crook of Tony’s neck. Pushed forward roughly. Tony felt like his insides were burning up and had no doubt he’d be sore tomorrow. There was pain, but for all of that, pleasure in the overwhelming sense of fullness as Steve sunk all the way in. It was here that Tony wouldn’t be able to return from.

 

He could feel Steve’s ragged breaths turn into throaty sounds. Tony couldn’t clearly remember a time he'd seen Steve breathing this hard. Steve pulled himself out slowly, letting Tony feel every inch before thrusting back in. The strokes were tentative, testing. Too cautious for what Tony wanted, despite the relief of having Steve there. He didn’t want gentle with Steve mouthing kisses along his jugular. It left too much room for him to be overwhelmed with emotion. Left spaces for caring and sweet nothings to come fill.

 

“Harder,” the word came out as a harsh angry command even as his voice trembled, hitched, with the next thrust. He could come like that. Knew he could from the way his body was shaking with every move from Steve.

 

Steve was looking at his face again. For a second features completely unguarded. Filled with the things Tony wasn’t allowed to think about. Tony resisted the urge to trail his hand along that jawline, over the crease of his brows. Whatever Steve saw reflected in Tony caused his expression to harden. He moved his hands under Tony, gripping his ass. Shocking Tony when he pulled himself up to a standing position, taking Tony with like he weighed nothing at all.

 

Tony could do nothing but wrap his legs around Steve’s waist, feel the full impact of the cold glass against his back. The coolness drawing nothing from the intense heat of Steve’s body against him. He was practically fully clothed and how unfair was that? The pace Steve set had completely changed. His fingers were digging into Tony’s hip dragging him up his length before letting gravity take over. Letting Tony fall on Steve’s cock over and over again.

 

It was exactly what he wanted. “This is better than I’d ever imagined,” Steve growled, reading Tony’s thoughts allowed. His voice the cause of devastation.

 

Tony put his hand over Steve’s mouth. Not wanting to hear another word of it, afraid of coming too quickly if he did. Steve brought a finger into his mouth, thrusting harder because of it. Tony gasped at the sensation of Steve’s tongue sliding over it as he pounded into him. Steve bit down. Tony cried out and retracted his hand quickly before more damage could be done. Before he wanted more damage done.

 

Steve dragged a hand away from his hip, only needing one to keep up his punishing rhythm. Pulled at Tony’s curls hard instead. Tony responded by letting one of his hand trail underneath Steve’s shirt, what he could reach with the belted restrictions. Dragged his nails down as his palms felt the muscle. Hoped Steve would look at the quickly healing wounds and remember that Tony did this to him. Caused him to lose all control. Steve fucked into him hard enough that they reached a line where Tony wasn’t sure if he was more in pain or pleasure, just knew he loved every minute of it.

 

It came too quickly, Tony came too quickly. Wanted to savor the moment for an eternity, but he’d made the mistake of eye contact. He saw the expression that was an equal mix of warmth, coldness, desire and anger. Felt himself come apart at the seams from it. White flashing behind his eyes as he pulsed between them. Steve was groaning Tony’s name in what could have been a chant in his ear. Movement coming faster and uneven until he stilled, throbbing inside of Tony.

 

Steve’s eyes closed while he road out the rest of his climax. Opened excruciatingly long seconds later. They were staring wordlessly at each while lungs played catch up. Tony could feel ever inhale Steve made. Couldn’t remember how to do it himself. Just held Steve to him for as long as he could.

 

_Breathe._

 

Steve gingerly set Tony on his feet. Tony slid down the glass wall onto the floor. His hands were trembling. Even with the endorphins rampaging their way through his body reality was crawling its way back in. He could feel Steve’s come sliding out of him, already cooling. The burn of what they had just done resonating through his body.

 

“Oh god,” Steve whispered just loudly enough that Tony could hear it. He couldn’t tell if it was the good variety or one of condemnation.

 

“Don’t go breaking commandments over me,” Tony muttered head bowed as he played back through the entire night and what led to here. He didn’t want to see what Steve looked like. How he was looking at him. Hadn’t even bothered to take off any of his stupidly designed clothes. “I need you to go.”

 

“I think we should talk about this Tony.”

 

“Stop saying my name.” Tony let his face rest in his hands. Tried to wipe away any emotion there before bringing his head back up.

 

Steve had a look of such uncertainty that Tony felt like his heart could break all over again.

 

“It was sex. Meant nothing, means nothing. Don’t worry, you don’t have to marry me over it.”

 

“I wasn’t-” Steve started looking frustrated. “I’ve had sex before Tony.” He emphasized Tony’s name. “Which you know. You also know why we need to talk about this.”

 

Tony debated crawling across the room to figure out if there was anything left in the spilled whiskey bottle. Maybe lick it straight off the floor. “I don’t like you. You don’t like me. We had sex. Now we are not having sex. Conversation over.”

 

“I don’t not like you.” Steve was studying him intently. It was unnerving given he had basically no clothing on and they’d just fucked like it was their last night on Earth. Already Tony could feel several places where soreness emanated.

 

“Okay fine. I don’t like you. You don’t not like me. Happy? If you want to talk go find Sam or Bucky. I’m sure your pals will love to chat it up. I need you to leave though. Now.”

 

Steve took in a shaky breath. Stared out at the landscape before nodding. “If that’s what you want.”

 

Tony snorted. “Cute.” He ignored the way his chest tightened when Steve zipped himself up. Turned on his heel. Prepared to walk away. The imagery wasn’t lost on Tony. Him on the ground. Broken. Steve walking away, acting like he was chased away. Like Tony actually had some kind of influence over his actions.

 

“Wait.”

 

Steve stopped. Turned his head back, hopeful.

 

“How did you know I’d be here?” It had been bothering Tony since the beginning. He’d not planned this ahead of time, in fact had decided on avoiding the place. He had Happy take care of every aspect of packing and moving so he wouldn’t have to think about it. The decision to come here had been impulsive.

 

Steve’s mouth turned up and brows raised. The implications of the answer being obvious was portrayed. His amusement over what Tony had missed clear. “Odds were in my favor.” Tony rolled his eyes. “I think the real question is why you came knowing I’d be here looking for you.”

 

Tony dropped his head back down.

 

Footsteps echoed through the room. No more a stranger than they had been when they entered. Still, Tony pretended not to know the man, ignored the longing the sound caused in the cavity of his chest.

 

He knew the answer.

 

Knew the answer and hated himself for it.

  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello Reader!
> 
> Ready for the long author’s note? I hope everyone’s week is going well. So... I’m doing the thing. Will no doubt regret doing the thing, but still doing it! (Thing being making this a multi chaptered fic.) A few things before we really start this fun and rocky journey. The subplot will directly tie into events from Thor Ragnarok -not to mention a lot of other movies- but it’s still relatively new so when spoilers for that start I’ll do the whole spoilers are happening exclamation point thing. Uh… I like the idea of it being canon compliant up to the Infinity Wars so if I can tie it into Black Panther after I see it… That will probably happen, but in a less spoiler filled way? Yeah.
> 
> I’m rambling. So yes, other thing is updates! Mental health likes to play hard ball with me. I’m feeling pretty up lately, but sometimes I don’t and when that happens I don’t write as much. *shrugs* It happens. Which is to say there won’t be a schedule, but I’ll keep churning out chapters… Some may take more time than others, please be patient with me.
> 
> Last thing, written in third person, but Tony centric (so addresses his pov and thought process more head on.) May seem like I don’t like Steve? That’s not true, I love them both dearly (okay I may love Tony a tiny bit more). Tony’s just pretty pissed, with some good reasons for that. Steve’s kind of angry too with his own reasons! I’m not on any sides is what I’m trying to say.
> 
> Uh bonuses? Made a [ playlist](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL0ijyRede8DAFOLtrAVIcMr84BPC15hNz) for this. Made [a poem](http://ofthelilies.tumblr.com/post/169981506278/you-were-made-for-me) while thinking about writing this. So if you like those things they are there!
> 
> Thanks to [Nix](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Evanna3994/profile) and my dear friend Demiguise for betaing this. They are both absolutely wonderful! I hope you enjoy and comments are always appreciated. 
> 
>  
> 
> [Tumblr](http://ofthelilies.tumblr.com/)

  
**May 22nd, 2014**

 

Steve was such a morning person. Tony wouldn’t be surprised if he cartwheeled right out of bed every day at the crack of dawn. He on the other hand was dragging his way into the kitchen. Part of the ‘Tony Stark needs more sleep’ program Pepper had implemented included no coffee makers in his personal quarters. Tony found this unnecessary, but had mostly complied. There was still one in his workshop; no one was perfect.

  
“Hey, Tony,” Steve called out when he had entered the room. It was equally a greeting and a way to gain his attention. Tony was fairly certain he needed three times more caffeine in his system to be able to deal with a Steve Rogers conversation this early in the morning. Thinking on it, he guessed three times zero was zero. He needed a better equation to quantify the amount of coffee he needed to proceed with words.

 

“What’s up Cap?” Tony asked groggily. “Any leads?” It had been two weeks since Steve and Natasha had arrived at the Avengers Tower to explain how Hydra had infiltrated Shield. Tony had seen all the chaos on television and known something had gone horribly wrong. Months later, he was still playing clean up from his own Mandarin mess and, without details, wasn’t sure how he could help. That and any contact to Director Fury, Maria Hill, Steve, or Natasha had been down the days leading to the whole almost-genocide incident. 

 

Without hesitation, Tony told them that the Avengers Tower and its many resources were available to them if they wanted, and he insisted they stay there until things were better worked out. He’d do anything to help dismantle the remaining parts of Shield or Hydra. Thus the two moved in. Tony was also staying there while his California mansion was being rebuilt. He actually was tempted to make the move permanent, but Pepper preferred the West Coast to New York City. He couldn’t really blame her for that. The chaos and noise of it didn’t compare to looking over the ocean every morning. 

 

“Nothing like that,” Steve assured him. He had his hand behind the back of his head. An awkward gesture that showed some discomfort. “We are actually out of milk.”

 

Tony poked at the buttons of the coffee machine. Felt a twinge of disappointment despite himself. “JARVIS, have the shopper get milk.” Tony took his first sip of coffee for the day and already relaxed as some of the tension drained out of him. 

 

“Of course Sir. Captain Rogers,” JARVIS added the last part as a hello. He’d immediately taken a liking to Steve, the traitor.

 

“Thank you JARVIS,” Steve responded toward the ceiling. Tony had been let down by Steve’s initial reaction to JARVIS. He’d expected confusion and bewilderment. Steve had looked a little perplexed, but had quickly adapted to the idea of an AI. If anything he appeared fascinated by the concept. Had many questions that made up for the initial let down. “Sorry, I should have asked him first.” Tony thought that would be the end of it, but Steve followed him to the dining table. Sat down right beside him. “What do you mean by shopper?”

 

Steve was looking between the mug of coffee and Tony’s face. Clearly found his breakfast lacking, but they weren’t at a point in their relationship where he felt he could push that opinion on Tony. “Yeah, Steve.” Tony wasn’t completely comfortable using the captain’s first name. He only liked the formality of Captain when annoyed and the distance of Rogers when he wanted his emotions kept at bay. Cap felt like a good middle ground between the three. “I’ll be the first person in the room to toute my own accomplishments, but making food appear out of thin air isn’t one of them. I like where your head is at though.” 

 

Steve was frowning at him. 

 

“I hire people to fill the kitchen with food. Food that you then eat,” Tony spelled out shortly like Steve was a child.

 

“You what? Why?” 

 

Tony knew that tone. This was about to become a thing. Tony wasn’t in the mindset for a thing. “Many reasons. I am a very busy person. Time spent at the grocery store is better spent in my lab, where I build things. The things I build let me do stuff like fight aliens. It also has the added benefit of giving a job to a person that needs one.”

 

Steve was giving him an assessing look. “Being talented doesn’t excuse you from the normal tasks that keep us grounded.”

 

Didn’t it though? “Grounded is overrated when you have a suit that flies.” 

 

Steve ignored him. “It’s so,” he trailed off before deciding on with judging finality, “Un-American.” Clearly the worst insult in Steve’s mental dictionary.

 

“What?” Tony asked disbelievingly. He let his head lay in his hands, abandoning his coffee for a moment. “Did you seriously just say that? I’m pretty sure making lots of money on innovation and then spending it on many --possibly-- pointless things is the foundation America was built on.” 

 

“I don’t know how you stay wealthy with the way you spend money.” 

 

“Uh firstly, offensive. Second, I have Pepper. Third, I use my time that I don’t spend at the grocery store inventing things that people are willing to pay money for. See how the circle works? Did I mention I’m a genius?” 

 

Like he’d said nothing at all Steve declared, “We are going to the grocery store.”

 

Tony was already shaking his head. “No we are not. At least I’m not. You spend all the time in the dairy aisle you want. In fact, I’ll pay you to do it if you want. Better off there than harassing me at six-thirty in the morning.”

 

“Meet you back down here in fifteen. Get yourself in order.” Steve departed the table without another word. The expectations of what should happen next had been lain down. Tony frowned down at his iconic t-shirt and pajama pants. It wasn’t nearly as bad as Steve had made it sound. 

 

“I am not getting myself anywhere. I’m going to sit here drinking at least three cups of coffee and then do whatever else I feel like doing!” Tony projected after him.

 

Twenty-five minutes later Tony found himself in a black hoodie matched with inconspicuous sunglasses. Next to him was Steve, who had on a much brighter blue jacket and baseball cap kept low with some team’s insignia on the front. It didn’t fool Tony one bit and he had his doubts about the pedestrians that kept giving them second glances.

 

Tony was pissed off and felt ridiculous. If someone recognized the both of them, the ten minute walk to the tower could quadruple easily. An unnecessary risk and a huge waste of time. “See, we are here at the supermarket,” Tony pointed up to the sign. “And you didn’t even let me finish my coffee. Are we going to dawdle out here or get your stupid milk?” 

 

Steve didn’t verbally threatened Tony back at the tower, but he’d given him this look -- one that said he would throw Tony over his shoulder to get Tony there. Tony was not suffering that level of humiliation on top of the errand. He’d grudgingly dressed and dragged himself out of the tower, muttering the entire way over. Tony had taken seventeen minutes to get ready as a small rebellion. 

 

Steve nodded, seeming way too serious for the outing. Not that Tony was certain of how you were suppose to look while grocery shopping. He could only count on one hand the number of times he’d been out grocery shopping. He looked at the captain before surveying their surroundings. It was Monday and while there was a lot of bustle going on in the streets, the store appeared to be hosting only a few patrons from what he can tell. 

 

He trailed after Steve, texting Rhodey while he did. Steve glared at him, Tony proceeded doing so more secretively. Rhodey wasn’t a morning person either. Although  he also wasn’t in the country and it should be evening at his location, if Tony’s calculations were correct, and they always were. The cold air from the fruits and vegetables section of the store berated Tony as the doors slid shut behind them.

 

**I’m at the grocery store.**

 

Steve came to an abrupt halt causing Tony to run into his back and drop his phone. Tony muttered to himself more as he bent to pick it up. Screen undamaged. Inventing unbreakable phone screens was on the list. Steve was quietly surveying the store like it was battle terrain, which was only a little anxiety provoking for Tony. Maybe more than a little if he was being honest with himself.

 

“We are going to divide and conquer. You take aisles eleven through twenty,” Steve commanded.

 

“What? Divide and conquer what? You said we were just getting milk, and -- this is not a military expedition! Christ, I am not awake enough for this.” Tony fiddled with his sunglasses wishing he could rub the sleep and this current experience away from his eyes.

 

“I added more to the list.”

 

“No, no. This is not what I agreed to. You dragged me here. You can put everything in the damn cart.” His phone vibrated in his hand, he stomped a few feet away from Steve before pulling up the messages on the screen.

 

_ Should I be worried? _

 

**Yes. Captain America called me un-American and forced me here. No coffee. Need back-up. Bring War Machine.**

 

_ Hahaha. Sounds about right. You’ll be fine. :P _

 

Tony glowered down at his phone up until the moment it was snapped from his hands. “Confiscated,” Steve informed him. “If you don’t want to divide-and-conquer, I guess that means we’ll be doing this together. It will take longer this way.” He had a cart and was pushing it forward without waiting for a response from Tony.

 

Tony was no longer interested in speeding along the process or making it easier in any way. He stared in front of himself blankly, counting backwards in his head. No way was Tony going to start bickering in the store with Steve over his cellphone like he was a teenager. Steve may have been stuck in the ice for seventy years and was chronologically older, but life-experience-wise, Tony was the eldest here. He rationalized that his watch had all the same features his phone did and there was no reason to throw a tantrum.

 

“Fine Steve. Let’s go grocery shopping,” he caved while staring holes into the floor, hoping they would catch on fire. “What’s first on the list you didn’t tell me about?” Tony felt he was being a mature adult, despite the tyranny happening around him.

 

“Apples,” Steve read off the list. Already looking down at some and shaking his head at the sad state of things. “I still can’t believe how much prices have gone up.”

 

“That’s how inflation works,” Tony muttered, getting a bag and tossing several apples in it. “All about relativism.”

 

“You’re going to bruise them,” Steve admonished, not sounding at all happy about this. That made two of them.

 

“I guess they’ll be bruised then!” Tony responded throwing another one in and not bothering to glance up. He could picture the rigid posture and domineering look perfectly.

 

A couple of younger girls passed by, giggling at Tony’s outburst. Tony took a deep breath in and slowly let it out. Maybe he wasn’t adapting to cohabitation as well as he thought. Pepper moving in all those months ago had been a bizarre enough experience, one that he still was adjusting to after years of living alone. Now, he lived with Bruce, Natasha, Steve, and Pepper when she visited, a lot more people than he was use to. Despite them being on much friendlier terms than they had been just over two years ago, Steve and Tony’s personalities had a way of clashing. This being a prime example.

 

“You’re acting like a child,” Steve informed him before pushing the cart away. Tony had to chase after him to dump the remainders of apples in. “I don’t know how the future managed to ruin so much fruit, but you all did a fine job. What happened to bananas?” he continued on, acting like Tony had been the one to ruin bananas for the world.

 

“You’ve had two years to ponder this,” Tony replied irritably. “In general, pesticides and genetically engineering fruit doesn’t work out too well. Bananas, longer story, same vein. Maybe we should go to Whole Foods next time.”

 

“Next time?” Steve asked trying not to smile and not succeeding in his attempt. He looked away like he was taking in the different items the new aisle had to offer.

 

“Just a turn of phrase.” Tony commented, continuing walking next to him. Tony kept throwing junk food into the cart that Steve would promptly take back out. “Don’t get too excited.”

 

“We should do this regularly. It’s good to have a firsthand reminder of what we are fighting for.” Tony had met someone more stubborn than he was. Pepper would hardly believe it.

 

“Conglomerates?” 

 

“Look at these people, going through these normal everyday tasks without a care in the world. It was just two years ago that the walls were crumbling down around them, but see how easily they bounced back? They can live this way knowing we are fighting for them. We can’t lose that perspective.” Steve finally made eye contact. The intensity he was able to encapture within his irises couldn’t be human. It had to have come out of the bottle. There was nothing else that made sense.

 

“Very rousing, but I’ve never lost sight of that,” Tony said, pushing Steve aside so he could lean on the cart while rolling it forward. “It’s what drives me. If you want the team to get more in touch with their humanity you may want to concentrate on Natasha or maybe take the Hulk out on one of these.”

 

Steve laughed as they moved into the next aisle. His laughter was a barely restrained thing, like it had escaped his lungs and had run rampant on the rest of his body. Tony enjoyed the sound, but refused to let that show while he was still this cranky.

 

“Why does it look like you are getting materials for baking?” Tony asked, sighing when Steve placed flour into the cart. Tried to picture Steve in an apron baking something like an apple pie. Had trouble with the imagery.

 

“Clint wanted to bake cookies,” Steve said shrugging.

 

Tony stopped pushing the cart. “What? Hawkeye? Since when is he at the Tower? Did you poll everyone about what they wanted before coming here?”

 

“You took seventeen minutes, I had the time and two days ago. I’d have thought JARVIS told you like the rest of us.” 

 

Tony took some time processing that while smiling flirtatiously at a woman that had been staring at them for too long from the far end of the aisle. Was she onto their flimsy disguises, or was she just captivated by Steve’s paper thin shirt? It was difficult to tell. If the former, Tony wanted to hurry this trip along before they were trending on Twitter. “Probably did.” He hadn’t been paying as much attention as he should be to JARVIS’ news updates, being constantly lost in projects.

 

“See, this is what I mean. You spend so much time in your lab you lose touch with everything around you.” Steve put one hand on the cart, forcing it and Tony to start moving forward again.

 

Tony didn’t have much to say to that. He could defend his actions and explain how it was all to better protect the planet they lived on, the people they cared about, the patrons in this store. Steve didn’t understand or like his approach and that wasn’t going to change. Tony would have to be the more flexible one of the two if the team was going to work. He’d have to give up some of the control he valued to let Steve fully grasp the leadership position he seemed born for. “Fine. We can do this once a month. Don’t want the actual shopper to be out of a job because of your absurd demands of me.” 

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Yeah, Steve. Now, can we get your milk and get out of here before the press catches wind of us?” He’d grudgingly given Steve the victory there, but seeing the way Steve’s mouth curved into that smile had him feeling like the victor anyway. It was irrational and not even true, but he felt himself smiling back -- although he couldn’t understand why.

 

He hadn’t even had an entire cup of coffee yet.

 

* * *

 

**Present Day**

 

Tony had never been a morning person. The night was filled with shadows, dark reflections you could hide yourself in. He could play pretend and lie to himself into the dawn, but the morning- the morning revealed. It bathed everything in light until there was nothing left to hide behind. Just the reality a person created for themselves. 

 

He had done many idiotic things. It would take him months to recount all of his sins, lay them out for the sun to see, to judge, and sentence him with. What he’d done last night had a heavier weight than most, if not all of them. Before he’d even had a chance to open his eyes his tongue had flicked across his lower lip. Taken in the roughened, painful texture of it. 

 

The full implications of this mistake hadn’t set in yet, but it was starting to. It loomed over him like a wave he couldn’t run away from. It was only a matter of time and gravity before it came crashing down, knocking him off his feet and dragging him into depths he’d rather drown in than swim up from. 

 

Tony forced himself into a sitting position. He was in an unfamiliar place that took him longer than it should have to recognize. One of the suits stood vigilantly over him in a corner. He glanced down to find he wasn’t wearing anything. He shut his eyes again. Wasn’t ready to recount it all. Knew where he was at least. Upon realizing he had no clothing last night, he’d flown to the new apartment he’d bought in New York City only a few weeks earlier. He had a place of residence in many major cities. When he’d sold the Avengers Tower he’d purchased this apartment, but he’d never set foot on the property until now. Flying to the compound would have been just as easy, if only a little longer. But there were too many people running around that would have had questions if they saw Tony leave the suit with no clothing on. No room was private when Vision found walls optional. 

 

Tony flopped back down onto the bed, hand flung over his forehead. He took stock of himself again. The warm pain that emanated from his lower back would be hard to ignore when combined with movement. The bruises at his hips would be easy to hide. Split lip difficult. Jaw sore, he’d have to look at his reflection to be sure of any bruising there. No doubt his neck was a mess of colors bleeding into each other. Wrists not much better. A finger had actual teeth indentations on it. Steve had painted parts of him purple and blue, and then walked away, healing any reciprocated damage within an hour. 

 

There was a floor length mirror to the side of him. He looked at himself lying there like he was some kind of victim. Like everything last night had happened to him. Like he hadn’t told Steve to come closer. Kissed him to the point of being breathlessness. 

 

He remember clearly wishing for that moment to last forever, so he wouldn’t have to deal with tomorrow. Tomorrow was unpreventable. Always came for you. Today would continually bleed into the next and no wishing would stop that. 

 

Still, he lay there wishing. 

 

Staring at himself. He was a mess; he would have looked like he’d gotten into a fight if it weren’t for the hickeys. He couldn’t think of a way to explain them away. It was late September. He could wear a scarf? It felt like college all over again. The last year of college. The one where he didn’t look like a little dweeb Rhodey needed to protect. Tony never thought he’d be back here.

 

Actions have consequences. 

 

Life had taught Tony what being oblivious to them could do. How it was capable of killing you, if you ignored them for long enough. He wasn’t allowed to play stupid. Wasn’t allowed to forget this. Couldn’t blame it on anything other than himself. Tony wanted to run to the bathroom and throw up last night. Flush it away, where it could be lost in some large body of water. He knew he had to face the consequences, but wouldn’t allow himself to think of the worst of it yet. What he’d lost. 

 

He often looked into mirrors and asked himself how believable he was today. This morning he wasn’t. Couldn’t be Tony Stark, was less than that. Iron Man an abandoned concept on the floor of a tower he didn’t own anymore. Today he was something small and breakable. Less iron and more like plastic. 

 

He took a shower. It didn’t help. Everything continued to loom. The closet was stocked with suits; he’d expected that. He sent the Iron Man suit home. He’d trek back over to the tower and get his car out of the garage. Go back to the compound and explain everything to Rhodey. He expected Rhodey to hit the stupid out of him. That was a lie. Less expectation and more of a want. Rhodey would be concerned first, disappointed second, angry next, but he’d lay out the truths Tony already knew. Needed to hear from someone that wasn’t his own mind. 

 

This was a new form of self destruction. A new move in a game he’d been playing with himself for as long as he could remember. He’d outmastered himself with this one. Couldn’t see a path back to redemption. 

 

Meandering in pity wasn’t going to help, never did. He needed action. Some kind of injustice to right with one repulsor hit at a time. There was a coffee maker, but nothing to put in it. Apparently, someone had the forethought to make clothing available, but not caffeine. Sighing, Tony gave up and took the elevator down to the lobby. Suit long gone on its journey back to the compound.

 

Tony did a quick run through his messages before going out into the world of the living. He usually didn’t wait this long to check his phone.  Of course, he usually had caffeine in his system by now, too. One message he ignored, opening another he’d gotten from Happy late last night.

 

_ Kid wanted you to know that he forgot to mention that he rejoined the decathlon team? Whatever the nerd group he was in. Did well with presentation. Detention boring. Still grounded.  _

 

Tony smiled and began going through other messages. There were inquiries from the state as to why his suit had been seen flying around New York last night. He deleted those. No news from Vision like he’d hoped. A late, empty, warning of Steve looking for him from Natasha. Tony shoved his phone back in his pocket and stepped outside.

 

It was annoying. How easily he could recognize Steve in any crowd. Jacket on, baseball cap down. Even with the beard Tony was certain he could recognize Steve from a jawline or just a finger. It was the way he held himself, stood. How he walked. The angle he held his head while waiting. The curve of his hand against his side. The way he breathed was different from anyone else. He made a mockery of incognito standing there right outside of Tony’s apartment. Had his hand out offering Tony a cup of coffee.

 

Tony turned right around.

 

“Tony,” Steve started, grabbing him by the collar of his suit and hauling him back so they faced each other. 

 

“You have got to be kidding me. No, I’m saying no, Rogers.” Tony didn’t care why Steve was here waiting for him, or how much coffee he had. He could not deal with him first thing in the morning. Not now when Tony was at his dullest and Steve was at his sharpest. Steve knew this. Had learned long ago that this was the best time to corner Tony if he wanted something. 

 

Tony couldn’t help looking at Steve’s mouth to search for remnants of last night. It was perfect. Tony knew he had hit him, but it was perfect. Full bottom lip, unmarred. He could look at that mouth and actually convince himself that it was all a dream. The aches he was experiencing the cause of an active imagination. Tony wanted to reach his hand forward. Run his fingertip along it. Ascertain that it was as it looked.

 

Steve misunderstood. Lowered his eyes, dropped his mouth open. Stared at Tony’s in return, the cut he’d caused. Seemed to want to cause worse, more. Tony wasn’t interested, maybe if he repeated that enough times one day it would be true. 

 

“No,” he repeated, but took the coffee cup from the offered hand. Saw Steve take in the circle his lips created before his gaze darted back up. He smiled at Tony taking the coffee. Maybe Steve didn’t know Tony half as well as he’d like to believe, but he had all of his weaknesses down. Tony took a sip, glaring as he did so.

 

“I thought you said it was a productive conversation last night Steve. It looks like you two got into it.” He’d noticed Steve instantly, but had gotten distracted by those damn lips before he’d noticed Sam behind him. Steve was all in black, but nothing as intimidating as yesterday’s outfit. Sam was dressed less drastically and blended in more easily for it.

 

“Oh, flying squirrel boy is here. Now it’s a party,” Tony said shaking Steve’s other hand off his collar. If it stayed there any longer it would burn a hole through him, turning clothing to ash. Tony kept telling himself he wasn’t interested. Said it to redundancy. Needed to say it until it was ingrained in his way of thinking. More natural than how much he wanted the man standing beside him. “Walk with me.” Being still in this bustle would garner attention. Tony was too recognizable, should probably invite them upstairs but that felt dangerous. 

 

“It’s Falcon.”

 

“Fairly certain you glide more than fly,” Tony remarked dryly. They had been distant acquaintances for years now. Tony knew these things, but it was still impossible not to jab.

 

“Fairly certain you’re a dick.”

 

Tony looked over at Steve and then back to Sam. Understood Sam’s purpose as referee. There would be no carnal breakdowns in his presence. Not that there would be any without him there. It would have been more of a comfort if it didn’t result in a two on one scenario. Tony wasn’t fond of those. In a fight it should be easy to ground Sam early on before refocusing his attention back to Steve. No wings in sight, but those things could get compact and Sam had a backpack on. He’d take the fight several stories up. Tony had already called his suit back. It would soon be hovering in the cloud cover above them in case he needed it. Tony wasn’t certain when his mind looked at every situation like it could fall into combat. It was conditioning, one that kept him alive at times, but he couldn’t help mourning the ignorance he’d once held. 

 

He continued taking in Sam. He understood the purpose, but felt irritation over him being there for a more personal reason. Sam looked so proud about his position as Captain America’s right hand man. Made more sense than Tony ever had, yes. For all of Steve’s talk of teamwork he’d never wanted an equal. Was more comfortable when there was a clear ranking he could follow. Felt infuriated when Tony broke the line of command. Tony would never have been able to survive the military life. He would have been thrown out on something relating to insubordination. Still, he’d given as much of himself to Steve as he felt possible. It hadn’t been nearly enough.

 

“Sam,” Steve admonished. “Even when we disagree with Mr. Stark we respect him." It was said more for Tony’s benefit, to establish a friendly dialogue. Sam didn’t look like he agreed and Tony couldn’t blame him. He wanted to call both of them a long string of expletives himself. Steve was giving him an embarrassed, ‘Aw, shucks,’ smile on Sam’s behalf. Tony had never liked that one. 

 

“Don’t worry, I’ve heard worse. I wasn’t aware we had a productive conversation?” Tony took his glasses out and put them on. There had been some conversing for sure, but his memories were flooded with physical contact. Phantom touches along his skin. An echo of his name being said in his ear. Tony shook himself. Felt his cheeks warm despite resistance. 

 

Steve looked out towards the crowd in reaction. Faked like he was scanning. If there was an enemy or someone watching Tony suspected they’d be able to stay off the captain’s radar. Steve was distracted. A rare look on him, but an easy one for Tony to detect. Especially when the distraction was him. 

 

When there was no response, beyond Sam looking suspiciously on at the exchange, Tony continued, “You two have a death wish I swear. I’m suppose to try and arrest you if I spot you. You got that right? I let you off last night so you come back with a friend?” 

 

“Is that what you call it? Letting me off?” Steve was smirking. Tony used to like it when he got snarky. Found it a surprise. Something his father had never told him about. Sometimes found it attractive. Refused to do so now.

 

Tony rolled his eyes. “I’m assuming you two are risking being seen in public for a reason?”

 

“I broached it with you last night.” Back to business in an instant. That gave Tony a headache on top of whiplash. Had yesterday feeling more and more like a mistake with every word. Their conversing felt coded, and he kept straining to pick up double entendres. 

 

“I don’t know why you aren’t going back to Nat. I’m sure she’ll give you any information you need.”

 

“Nat didn’t talk.” Tony studied him. Steve used to represent something to him. Truth, integrity,  bull-headed stubbornness. The last of the three was still true. The first two had been muddled beyond comprehension. It seemed like he was telling the truth, but Tony was compromised. Couldn’t trust his own judgement given where it led him. 

 

“I’m not talking about it, Steve. I’m not allowed to unless you have a change of heart and would like to sign the Accords. Alright?” Tony indicated his head to the left. “I’m headed that way. Have things to do. I know you’ve always liked to minimize that, but still true.” 

 

“I never tried to minimize that. I always appreciated the work you did.” Steve was talking through his teeth. There Tony went not complying again, how frustrating it must be for him. 

 

“You two talk like an old married couple. If Steve didn’t have a thing with Sharon I’d have my suspicions,” Sam said laughing. Trying to lighten the air to something believable with an old joke shared amongst the Avengers. Mom and Dad roles the two of them had accidentally taken up. 

 

It didn’t do a very good job.

 

Steve glanced sharply at Sam who promptly stopped laughing at the look. Tony felt the color drain from his face because as the consequences continued to hit him. It had all been bad enough. Waking up today, looking at the facts. Wanting to punish himself over those facts. It had now just gotten worse. He didn’t feel jealous, just more dread to add to the churning inside of him.

 

“Yeah. Okay. I’m going now. You two have a nice day, try not to end up in an underwater prison again. Next time I see you, I’m putting you there, Rogers. Sam. You too, probably? Honestly don’t care as you seem more of a support role type. Probably wouldn’t matter?” Tony shrugged. Tried to kick all of his feelings under submission. He wanted to run away. He calmly turned and took one walking step at a time.

 

“And if I did? Want to sign the Accords?”

 

Tony stopped midstride. Felt the world fall still around him.

 

He cursed Steve because his presence was the only thing making him pause at that point. Tony’s feelings- His feeling were always going to be less than this. Would always be put on the backburner in the face of the greater good. He forced himself to even his breaths so when he turned around he wouldn’t want to punch Steve in the face again. Only one slip like that was allowed a week. 

 

Tony turned, taking a long drink from the coffee Steve had given him. It tasted like poison and Tony wanted to spit it back out. “Let’s go to the garage and talk.” 

 

Tony knew it wouldn’t be that simple, but still his mind was maneuvering through the playing field. Examining the different players. The Secretary of State, outspoken members of the United Nations, others in the background with their invisible strings. If Steve signed the Accords, who would he have to talk to so they didn’t have to serve time in prison? What deals would need to be made? 

 

It was doable, depending on how cooperative Steve and his troop felt like being. Depending on how much work Tony was willing to put in to turn the shit show of splintered Avengers around.

 

“Does that mean you’ll listen?”

 

“You know that’s what it means.” Tony snapped, already moving, and tossed the remainder of coffee in the nearest trash bin. Steve wouldn’t be happy about Tony wasting it, but Tony didn’t really give a damn. “But not here in the open.”

 

It wasn’t a long walk, but it was one done in silence. Sam and Steve’s shoulders were hunched, heads ducked away from any cameras that could run facial recognition. He was putting himself in danger of the UN’s wrath just walking down the street with them. Tony tried to keep his mind on strategy and projecting future outcomes. Still his mind wandered. 

 

Sharon had to be Sharon Carter. She was the one suspected of stealing Team Captain America’s weaponry and delivering it back to them. Any proof of such actions was gone, but she’d been let go from the agency. Getting off easy by all accounts. He’d read her file, she had worked with Shield before the take-down of Hydra. She had been placed in the apartment across from Steve’s to spy on him, or protect him -- if you wanted to go with what the paperwork stated. Those were all inked words on paper. Didn’t mean much. 

 

He had met her over ten years ago at Aunt Peggy’s 80th birthday party. Just exchanged hellos. She was a teenager then, and had been going through a goth phase that involved a lot of makeup and dark clothing. Tony was surprised he’d even remembered her. Despite the similar places they held to their mutual relation there hadn’t been much of a connection. The age difference didn’t allow for any meaningful verbal exchange. They had crossed paths a few times after that, but Tony had always filtered her out into the background.

 

Hard to do so now.

 

Tony couldn’t believe Steve was involved with this girl, practically a child. He tried to recall something special that would attract Steve, couldn’t. Younger people were strange in how they conducted relationships now, different than when Tony had been her age. Open ones more common and accepted amongst all groups. Had she known what Steve had done last night? Had he called her on the phone, discussed the details? Maybe not?  Were there more consequences he could add to his list? More mistakes to pile up and swallow him.

 

Tony was going to have panic attack if he kept thinking that way. There was still an entire category of thoughts he hadn’t allowed his brain access to because it would break him. He’d fall to his knees within this sea of people and never find the will to pull himself back up. Thoughts about Sharon would lead to easy connections to the ones he wasn’t allowed to think about. Not yet. Not with Steve behind him, always ready to absorb his weaknesses so he could strike back with them. He could not fall apart here.

 

He brought in several measured breaths. Calmed his heart so it was no longer beating out of his chest. By the time everything was once more under control they were in the garage. Approaching his sports car. Low to the ground, sleek lines, fast, and powerful looking. First in what he hoped to be a long, successful, line of Stark automobiles. Release date set next year. Not really the first in the line, but the barely able to hover off the ground cars from the forties didn’t count. The red shine of it illuminated the otherwise empty garage. 

 

Sam whistled. “That’s a beauty.” 

 

“Isn’t she? I’d offer to let you take her for a drive, but I don’t really like you.” 

 

Tony took in the cement pillars. Next the exits he could take if needed. Both of their words echoed off the walls. No one else was here. He was alone. If it did come to a fight, if he lost, he’d be in a highly populated area. There wouldn’t be hours of pain vibrating through him as he dragged his suit through the snow. People knew where he was, people that would come and get him if needed. There was nothing to be afraid of. 

 

“That’s just cruel.”

 

“Yeah. Well,” Tony trailed off with a series of hand gestures that didn’t really communicate anything. Just needed the motion. He leaned back against his car. Let the feeling of metal comfort him. Steve said nothing, was studying the tremor in Tony’s hand and the fake smile on his face. “Let’s talk. What changed your mind about the Sokovia Accords?”

 

“Nothing. Not as they are,” Steve said looking away. 

 

Tony lowered his head so he could look at Steve out from under his sunglasses. He seemed guilty. That didn’t bode well. “Why am I not surprised that you lied?”

 

“I didn’t lie. I-” 

 

“Next Mr. Moody is going to pop out from behind my car and bash my head into my steering wheel now, right? That’s how this game works?” He hadn’t really meant it, but he’d certainly thought it. Was tempted to circle the vehicle at least twice and peer under it for the glint of the silver arm he’d severed. 

  
Steve’s eyes widened in astonishment, he looked like the idea made him ill. Tony couldn’t afford to be fooled. “You know it’s not like that.”

 

“You’re always so certain about what I know aren’t you Cap? I’d change my mind about taking you in, but one of us has got to be a man of their word.” Tony felt for the handle of his car door. It scanned his thumb print before a beep was emitted with the unlocking of the vehicle. “No keys,” he redirected back to Sam. Still resentful of him, but using him as a distraction all the same.

 

“I’ve got to admit that’s pretty cool.” He was still taking in the shiny exterior. Sam looked too calm for what Tony had just referenced prior to the no keys comment. Tony couldn’t tell if just went over the man’s head or if he didn’t know exactly what had happened in Siberia. Wouldn’t be the first time Steve had kept something from a teammate. 

 

“Hydrogen powered. Can go zero to sixty in under three seconds. Six hundred horse power. Projections for sales are solid.” Tony opened the door to his car with a boyish grin. “Made in America,” was added for Steve’s benefit. He didn’t look as awed by the car as Sam did. Tony hadn’t expected him to.

 

“I need one of those.”

 

“As of five seconds ago they come free with Accord signage.” Tony winked but realized it probably couldn’t be seen past the frames. Sam laughed on cue. It all felt so contrived. They’d all gotten the script and were playing their parts. Tony had been in this play before. Knew exactly what happened in the second act.

 

“I have a proposal for you,” Steve continued like he’d never spoken. Had always been good at that.

 

“Not interested.” Tony would have slid into his car, but wasn’t certain what would happen if he did. Steve wanted to talk, clearly, and Tony couldn’t gauge what he was willing to do to get that. 

 

He watched as Sam took off his backpack. It should have eased some of his nerves when all he could see inside were sheets of paper. It was about as comforting as a snake slithering up to your feet. You couldn’t see the teeth, but knew one wrong move on your part and it’d bite the shit out of you. Tony examined the cuffs of his jacket, pretended to straighten them out. 

 

He stared at the top of the stack of papers Sam had proceeded to pull out. 

 

_ Sokovia Accords - Revised _

 

“I’ll sign that though.”

 

Tony couldn’t move his eyes away from it. All the cogs and gears that kept the many thoughts in his mind whirring came to a stop. They started up again, moving faster than before. He knew what he was looking at. Could predict most, if not all, of the contents. All the changes that wouldn’t work, the ones that would. The arguments and back and forth. T’Challa’s support could mean potentially twenty-five countries agreeing to the changes. Tony’s connections would result in slightly fewer than that, many deals could mean more. They would scrape their way up to fifty percent, it was possible. 

 

“That is what you came to talk to me about?” If Tony hadn’t nailed Steve right in the jaw would this have been their conversation last night, sans chaperone? All of the actions that followed that one act prevented because Steve had never intended to walk away. Tony had just assumed he was and couldn’t cope with it. Had reached forward for something affirming, like his knuckles crashing into skin. Knowing that he would be the one to bleed for it. It felt a lot less affirming right then.

 

“See I’ve got a good memory Cap. I told you, I said to you that we could revise it after you signed. And you got caught up over my way of keeping Wanda safe, you saw it as deceptive and controlling or whatever you saw it as. Now you come to me with a revised agreement since the dust has settled? After  _ you _ got your way?”

 

“She’s a child and you-” Steve missed his point, but Tony hardly cared anymore. They were back years ago. Exchanging word for word, verbal punch for punch. Only much worse could drag him away. The world ending. Sam might as well be scenery if he hoped to get in the middle of this.

 

“You dumped however many pounds of gangway on a fifteen year old. You’ve got no room to talk. I was protecting her.” 

 

“You brought the kid into the airport battle.”

 

“Yeah, there is reasoning for that. I knew you’d go easy on him. I thought that because I trusted you. That’s my bad. But really, really getting to the point, I thought you wouldn’t actually go through with fighting me!” Tony was shouting. He forced himself to halt, recollected his words. “Us. I didn’t think you would fight us,” dropped to a whisper. His hand was hitting his chest where the arc reactor had been. He’d told himself that he wasn’t going to let himself boil over, but Steve did this to him. With just a couple words, any sense of control over himself was lost. 

 

“Let’s not attract any attention guys,” Sam put out there, eyeing Tony like he was a ticking time bomb. He probably was.

 

“Are you going to consider it?” Steve asked again. Always asking again and again. When was it going to end?

 

Tony stepped forward and took the revised accords from Sam. “No, I’m not going to read it. You hypocritical-” Steve gave him a look that conveyed his disappointment and belittlement, and it worked at cutting Tony off at the knees. “Tell you what I’ll do though. I’ll give it to Rhodey. Have him read it. If he thinks it’s worth my time then and only then will I consider coming to the table with you over this. God knows he has lost the most over your bullshit.” 

 

Both Sam and Steve glanced away sharply, guilt pulling like weights at their features. 

 

“I’m not you,” Tony continued. “I don’t ignore my teammates’ opinions because I don't like them. I don’t leave a man behind. This is not a battlefield. This is our lives and if I had control over things I’d cut you out of mine entirely.”

“I’m sorry about Rhodes,” Steve said finally. His face almost unreadable, but there was a unique kind of sorrow leaking from the cracks of it. He watched Tony slide into his car. “You’re right. No one should have been hurt.”

 

Tony scoffed. “Yeah? Why don’t you write him a letter then? You don’t care who gets hurt. Casualties are okay as long as you win the war, right?” He slammed the door shut but rolled his window down. He couldn’t stand even glass between them. He should whip out of the parking lot. Speed away, leaving the two soldiers in his dust, but still gave pause. “You evaded earlier. What changed your mind? And, yes, this constitutes as changing you mind.” 

 

Steve was drawn to his full height. Even several feet away there was something intimidating about it. Intimidating, but also had Tony wanting to stand in front of him, wait for orders. Do whatever he could to follow them for as long as he could. Until he hit another wall none of his machinery could get him past. 

 

“You once asked me how I was planning on beating them.” Them being the forces that would destroy the Earth if the Avengers let them. Tony instantly knew what Steve was referring to, a conversation Tony had sewn into himself. Didn’t need to hear the rest, Steve was manipulating him with sentimentality. “My answer to that hasn’t changed.”

 

“Together,” Tony mocked, while revving his engine. “That meant something in the past. It doesn’t anymore. I’ll give you a call on the batphone if we decide to play ball.”

 

“I’ll be waiting.”

 

Sure he would be. Steve had nothing to lose. 

  
  



	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, hello, hello! Let’s start of with an apology (I know I warned you in the first chapter about my non scheduled releases… but still…) Two months is a long time. What can I say? Two things happened. I really struggled with writing the flashback for this chapter and I started a new job (happy to be back in animal rescue, but boy is it draining.) I’m very thankful to [Serinah](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Serinah/pseuds/Serinah)and [Fox](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spacefoxen/pseuds/Fox) for betaing this chapter and getting me back on track. Really, I’m not sure I would have been able to post this at all without their help. 
> 
> Thank you so much for everyone who is sticking with this and continuing to read it. So the next two chapters won’t have a lot (errr basically any) of Steve in the present day section. I really wanted to get the Pepper related confrontations out of the way early on so the rest of the story can more fully concentrate on Steve and Tony. That needs to be dealt with as I wanted this to be completely canon compliant with every movie up until Avenger Infinity War (who is excited? I’m excited!). Plus, I really don't think Tony would put it off as he knows delayed/no action leads to worse consequences.
> 
> I always appreciate positive comments and kudos. Thanks again for all the feedback thus far. <3
> 
>  
> 
> [Tumblr](http://ofthelilies.tumblr.com/)

**July 21st, 2014**

 

Tony stood in the doorway, listening to the insistent pound of Steve’s feet against the treadmill. Tony had underestimated Steve’s strength and stamina when he had originally created the workout floor. In the past few months he’d replaced almost every single piece of equipment. Tony had done more than replaced, he had improved upon it, either so it had the durability to withstand the impact of Captain America or had settings that would actually prove a challenge to Steve. 

 

It was a work in progress.

 

He’d been waffling uncomfortably for too long in the doorway. “You can’t be doing this Rogers,” Tony projected his voice in the hopes it could be heard over whatever Steve was listening to. 

 

Steve used one hand to press the stop button on the treadmill and the other to remove the headphones, his feet going from blurry to a slow step. “What is ‘this?’” he questioned, grinning indulgently. The grin irked Tony; Steve had apparently been waiting for him to speak whilst pretending to ignore him.

 

Tony temporarily evaded the question and the uncomfortable subject that came with it. “I’ll have you know I can be highly competitive when I feel like it.” He walked into the room slowly, hesitatingly.

 

“Oh?” Steve had taken a water bottle out of the cup holder, uncapped it and gulped down the liquid with easy pulls. Tony’s attention became automatically drawn to Steve’s throat as he swallowed.

 

“Oh, yeah,” Tony continued, smiling easily to convey he was only joking. “See, you’ve broken a record of mine and I can’t let that stand.” Tony paused and leaned in for dramatic effect, trailing his finger along the treadmill. “Not only that, I’m bad at sharing.”

 

Steve snorted. “I’d love to know where this is going.” He’d now moved on to wipe the few droplets of sweat off his face with a towel.

 

Tony took a deep breath before continuing on in a fast paced, easy going stream of words, “JARVIS keeps talking about you, seems concerned. I’m jealous, he’s only suppose to worry about me.”

 

Steve didn’t look worried, if anything he appeared to find this entire conversation amusing. Perhaps Tony had been laying on the playful attitude too thick? “What’s he been saying about me?” was said in a low tone, as if JARVIS wouldn’t be able to pick it up that way.

 

Tony looked around the room muttering to himself. Time to get straight to the point, this had to be karma’s attempt at irony. To Steve, he said, “That you’ve gone six days without sleep. I didn’t think that was possible, even for you. You keep going on and on about how I need to sleep more and eat right, which is ridiculous, but we’ll get back to that later. Now I come to find you aren’t following your own advice and beat out my record, without any caffeine mind you.” Tony still kept his tone light, but Steve didn’t seem as pleased as he had been when they started this dialogue.

 

JARVIS hadn’t been the only one to bring up comments regarding Steve and his problems sleeping in the past week. Tony had “overhead” a couple teammates expressing similar concerns. He says overhead, but they’d made sure he was well within hearing distance. JARVIS may have been the tipping point that had gotten Tony down here, but Sam calling him up a couple days ago hadn’t helped either. For some reason, all of the team felt that Tony was the best one equipped to approach Steve about this. Maybe it’s because his own sleeping habits were similar or because everyone else up to this point had failed. Tony didn’t know, but he also knew that he couldn’t pretend like it wasn’t a problem anymore.

 

It felt a little hypocritical.

 

Steve was staring down at Tony in a challenging manner that had Tony’s instincts telling him to back off, even if there was still a polite smile on the Steve’s face. “Super serum works wonders.”

 

Tony looked away, but it’d take more than a little glaring on Steve’s part for the subject to be dropped. Starting had been the hard part, finishing this would be easier. Tony turned back with his own flat, steely expression. “Yeah. Read the files. It enhances the body, doesn’t make it able to go without sleep indefinitely. You’re hurting yourself. Let’s go to my quarters and talk or something. I don’t know. I guess that’s what people do with me. Er, they try to talk. I sometimes listen.”

 

“You want me to go up to your floor?” Steve remarked, more surprised than resistant.

 

Tony was equally surprised if not more so. That hadn't been part of the plan or anywhere near it. He was going to reach out, be concerned, offer some advice from his own insomnia filled days and then leave. Steve was always rocky ground. They were friends and had gotten better at communicating with each other, but it only took one wrong word to set the other off. In just that instant they’d be back to arguing until what they were saying didn’t make sense anymore. Which was why Tony had decided on a ‘get in and out quick’ strategy.

 

It had probably been abandoned when he’d seen Steve. Anyone that didn’t spend time with the guy probably would have thought he was fine, but something was off. There was just the slightest shadows under his eyes, his eyes themselves having an unusual glint and a tinge of unneeded redness to them. There was tightness around his face that echoed down into his posture. Steve’s movements were barely stiffer than usual, but completely wrong for that difference. These were small, tiny things, but given what the serum did to Steve’s body, none of them should have existed.

 

“I don’t know,” Steve began torn between curiosity and stubbornness.

 

Tony put his hand on Steve’s shoulder to guide him toward the door and immediately removed it when Steve’s shirt turned out to be more damp than the white fabric let on. “It’s that or I’m going to stay up with you in silence. It will be bad. Do you really want that?”

 

“I guess not,” Steve conceded, trying not to smile. Not because that had been particularly funny, but because it was obvious the amount of effort Tony was trying to put in here. Tony did not have a natural way with pep talks, but he was willing try. He knew there was nothing Steve admired more than someone putting in the effort, even if their efforts were misplaced.

 

“Great, I’m glad we agree on something.” Tony gestured with his head toward the locker rooms, “Go take a shower. I’ll meet you on my floor in twenty.”

 

The minutes that lapsed gave Tony plenty of time to come terms with the fact that he didn’t know what he was doing. He didn’t know what to ask, wouldn’t know the right thing to say. Sam should be doing this, not him. The track record had him more likely to make everything worse with Cap than better. He was fairly certain Steve wasn’t taking him seriously to begin with. This exercise was most likely going to end up with them both annoyed with each other.

 

He got so lost to his thoughts that he didn’t hear the knocking until JARVIS redirected his attention to the sound. Tony had debated having the elevator open directly into his living quarters given he controlled who had access to the floor, but decided on a doored entryway for the added precaution.

 

“I was out there for ten minutes.” That reminded Tony why he had to start giving Steve vaguer times when setting their meetings. It wasn’t the first time he’d been lectured on punctuality.

 

“Counting the minutes till you see me again Rogers? I’m touched.”

 

Steve rolled his eyes before giving a cursory glance around the room. None of the other Avengers had been up here before. At least not since the renovations. Tony had been on Steve’s floor once since Steve had moved in. Nothing appeared altered, there wasn’t a single sign of Steve in the place. When Tony commented Steve had given him some bullshit about looking for another place. What better place could he find than the Avengers Tower? At least Tony’s floor embodied his aesthetic: clean circular lines, a little rustic and minimalistic. It didn’t have many personal touches either, but Tony spent more time in the lab. He almost didn’t come up here at all if Pepper wasn’t in town.

 

“Do you play?” Steve asked indicating the piano that could be reached after a tiny set of stairs.

 

“Rarely,” Tony muttered trying to corral Steve out of the living area and toward a hall with more doors than he’d ever needed. He spared the instrument a passing glance.

 

“That’s a pity.” Steve wasn’t exactly dragging his feet, but he wasn’t being cooperative either. “Why?”

 

“I’m not going to play you a lullaby, so get moving.”

 

Steve’s face mapped out the war between annoyance and humor well. The clear winner turning out to be the latter. Tony felt a very similar war going on at Steve’s unexpected nosiness. He made a comment about several other things in Tony’s living room -- two of them being art pieces before more fully cooperating.

 

“Let’s go to the guest bedroom,” Tony gritted out, going through the floor plans in his mind. “The question is which door is it?” He wasn’t even sure why Pepper insisted they have one given the many floors that could accommodate guests, if needed. He doubted she’d foreseen this particular situation when she’d insisted on them.

 

“So forward,” Steve shot back tiredly. Tony paused in his thought process as he ran over those words in his mind. He blinked a couple times before smirking.

 

“Steve Rogers,” Tony called out with a false reprimanding tone and trying to hold back a bout of laughter. He quickly pushed away any images the comment evoked. “Who’d have thought you were so dirty minded?”

 

Steve covered his face with one hand, but not fast enough to cover the start of a blush. “I’m just doing what you do all the time,” he groused and it was definitely a complaint. Tony did jokingly flirt with the other Avengers, though they tended to ignore him. Steve was the most fun to mess with, even as he did his best not to react.

 

“What kind of person do you think I am?” Tony continued, he had a good idea about the answer to that question. Steve sighed heavily behind him. “It’s this door I think.”

 

“Didn’t you design all the floors?”

 

Tony elected not to respond while pushing past the door. Upon reviewing his conversation with Sam, he’d played with the mattress settings in this room to make it firmer. Tony had gone more technologically simplistic in Steve’s personal quarters, but if he liked this mattress and the new settings Tony figured it would be easy enough to get one down to Steve’s room for him. Tony doubted the sleeping issues could all be chalked up to a mattress, but it seemed like somewhere to start.

 

“So your plan is to take me to your guest room and do what?” Steve asked after Tony stood awkwardly next to him, shifting from foot to foot. Steve could perfectly sniff out how uncomfortable Tony must be and was trying to worsen it. He’d have to do better than that. 

 

“Uh try out Plan A through F in hopes that something works. We really don’t want to get into G through M,” Tony said offhandedly, pretending not to notice the look Steve shot him. Steve had raised a brow before walking the perimeter of the room.

 

“Seems like a lot of trouble,” Steve trailed off as Tony sat down on the surface of the bed, immediately wrinkling the comforter. “What are you doing?” Tony took his Stark phone out of his pocket and pulled up schematics without missing a beat.

 

“Working. Aren’t you supposed to be sleeping? “

 

Steve had gone back to regarding him like a potential enemy. Trying to figure out what Tony was up to, since he hadn’t launched into his villain speech yet. 

 

Rogers looked like he could be ready for sleep in a simple grey shirt and sweatpants. Both fit looser on him than his day to day wear tended to, but still managing to emphasize his physique. This time when Steve sighed, all of the energy seemed to go out of him. Tony could more clearly see the signs of exhaustion he often saw in himself. Only, Steve had none of that manic energy that could carry Tony through hours or days in what felt like an instant. Tony would hardly notice it had gone from Monday to Wednesday if he got wrapped far enough in a project. For Steve, it must drag by one minute at a time. 

 

“At least get your shoes off the bed.”

 

Tony obliged wordlessly.

 

“What’s plan A?”

 

“You try to sleep,” Tony said easily, playing around with different images. Steve squinted at what appeared to be the circuitry to one of Tony’s gauntlets.

 

“Haven’t tried that one before.”

 

“Ha. Trying to see if a firmer mattress helps. I didn’t want to go switch out your current one without your okay and I knew if I’d offer you’d turn it down. You never ask for anything. Well, outside of the field.”

 

Steve glared hard, working his way from Tony’s socked feet to his face. “On the field, I’m not usually asking.”

 

“Huh. Those orders usually sound questionable to me.” Tony grinned while Steve concentrated on the wall. He did that a lot when he was trying to reign in anger.

 

“That doesn’t explain why you have to be here.”

 

“Plan B thru Z in case it’s something else.” Tony shrugged inelegantly and then spoke in a lower voice. “Sometimes it helps to have someone there- You know if you want to talk or something else. Anything else, Tony Stark here at your service. What a lucky guy you are,” Tony rambled in an attempt to cover his uncertainty and self consciousness. More seriously, “What’s the harm?”

 

Steve turned back to him with an expression that said he was attempting to decipher something, maybe an ulterior motive on Tony’s part. Whatever he saw there must have been enough. “Okay.”

 

Steve kept Tony under close supervision as he turned off the lights and came to lay under the covers. Tony tried to keep movement to a minimum. He felt that if he so much as shifted Steve would bolt from the room faster than Tony’s persuasion could keep him there.

 

Steve closed his eyes.

 

Tony breathed out air he didn’t know he’d been holding.

 

Steve opened his eyes.

 

Tony sucked all the oxygen back in. Held it there again.

 

“This isn’t going to work.” Tony could clearly see Steve’s face from the light reflected off his screen. He tapped at it for a minute, not doing work but fidgeting.

 

“I’ll have you know Plan B has a lot more talking,” Tony sighed, not one hundred percent sure what Plan B was or even C, but he’d committed himself to the cause.

 

Steve pushed himself up to his elbows. Peered over at Tony’s screen--definitely the schematics for a gauntlet. The blue in his eyes traced the blue lines of the repulser pictured there. Tony found the curves of the designs and working out problems to be soothing late at night. He didn’t know if Steve would find the screen to be a comfort or a distraction.

 

“I can turn it off if you want.”

 

“You’re fine, I’m the one intruding. How long has it been since you slept?” Tony knew Steve had been studying him closely ever since they got in the room, but the question caught him off guard.

 

“Uh, donno. Lost track,” he replied automatically.

 

“JARVIS?” Steve questioned.

 

“47 hours 31 minutes and 06 seconds.”

 

“Stark.” Steve sounded annoyed, but his body relaxed. Tony absorbed it all while cursing his own AI. Of course Steve would become relaxed once Tony reclaimed his position as being the reckless sleep deprived member of the team.

 

“Don’t you start. I’m the only one allowed to be a hypocrite here,” Tony dropped his phone between them face up, giving up the pretense of work.

 

“You should be sleeping, not playing shrink,” Steve lectured.

 

“I haven’t even started playing shrink yet.”

 

“I thought getting into bed with your patient was a strange method, but who am I to question modern times.” Tony laughed, but cut off when he realized how good Steve was at this. He appeared so guileless at times that you couldn’t believe him to have any other ambitions. In this case, it was getting out from under Tony and the rest of the team’s microscope over the worrisome behavior.

 

“Yeah, yeah. Okay listen. I’m going to be serious for a second here. You can take what you want from it. So here we go. You, you’re the team captain. Me, I’m the incredibly handsome benefactor with the billion dollar suit.”

 

“Why is it your self descriptions tend to be more flattering in detail?”

 

“Quiet. But for obvious reasons, stop trying to be funny. We’re both team leaders in our own way? Right? Just say right. I’ll pretend you said right. I’m a mess on a good day. I don’t know what you are past the whole stoic thing, but we can’t both afford to fall apart. The team couldn’t take it.” Tony did his best to pin Steve down with eye contact like Steve did to him all the time. 

 

Steve’s smile slid off his face into that straight line. The dangerous one a step away from him gritting his teeth. Tony had managed to piss the Captain off, hardly a shock. “You’re comparing us? You won’t eat vegetables and keep sneaking pop tarts into the grocery carts.”

 

“Don’t get all touchy. I’m not being judgmental. I don’t think spending all your day in the gym is much better.” Steve looked away to the wall again. Blue, about a dozen shades too light to really be compared to Steve’s eyes. Still, between Tony’s blue screen, the walls, and the night sky peering in from the window, he felt overwhelmed by the color. That and the waiting.

 

“You’re right.” Tony breathed out the extra air he’d been holding since Steve had opened his eyes again after his first sleep attempt.

 

“It happens sometimes.”  The silence crawled back into Tony’s bones. He’d never been one to entertain awkwardness when there were better guests at the party. “This is the part where you talk about things. We’re very different, you’re right, but I think I can come close to understanding if you gave me a chance. I know what keeping a brave face looks like. Everything stays between us. You need to give someone a chance and you can trust me.”

 

Tony struggled with the last words; he wasn’t sure what he’d do with trust from a man like Steve Rogers. He could barely handle Rhodey’s or Pepper’s as it was. He disappointed people at every turn and with Steve it seemed like a pattern of falling short. Still, he was here. Trying for reasons he couldn’t seem to work out in his head.

 

“I’m not going to be good at this.”

 

“No worries. I’ve been reliably told I’m not either.” Tony crossed his arm behind the back of his head so he wouldn’t fiddle. Steve sat beside him looking conflicted. 

 

“No promises.”

 

“Sure,” Tony agreed. He thought the agreement would be enough.

 

It wasn’t.

 

The screen flickered off from lack of use. Tony touched it so the light came on again. He could only gauge how far to push this if he could tell how Steve was reacting. Steve didn’t have a socialite’s poker face. The tension in his body was easy to read for a man like Tony.

 

“Is it Barnes?” Tony took that one last step and if it didn’t work he was moving onto making up Plan C. Tony had read up on the incident in Washington DC. Had offered all his resources to Steve in helping to track down the so called Winter Soldier. Steve had turned pale at the time, shook his head. Said something like, ‘He needed to do this alone.’ Tony had no room to say otherwise and force his help on Steve.

 

Steve smiled. Frowned. Smiled again, sadder this time. “No. Yes. It’s Bucky. It’s Peggy. It’s everyone. Every time I close my eyes it’s all I see. I... I’ve got to find him, Tony. I abandoned him once. I can’t do it again.” Steve spoke and for the first time Tony felt like he’d gotten to the bottom of what he knew about Steve. That the raw emotion leaking from those words were the realest version of Rogers he’d seen since meeting him.

 

All Tony could do was nod, unsure of how to respond.

 

“You went through a lot in Afghanistan.” 

 

Tony flinched back. He knew that when people were being vulnerable they seek vulnerability in return. Even exchange for security. Tony could give Steve that much if it meant putting all of this to bed.

 

“Yes.”

 

He didn’t say that he still preferred baths over showers because the spray of water on his face could bring him back there in an instant. He didn’t say the words that echoed in his head as a constant reminder of what he could not allow himself to sink back into. He didn’t say he had nightmares and he was always the monster. He didn’t say any of that because they were walking a line between the heavy and the suffocating. He didn’t say that because he was willing to open himself up, but not so far that Steve could see how weak he was. That Iron Man was a shell and what lay inside it was feeble and breakable.

He nodded to reinforce the single word.

“I keep imaging what Zola must have done to him. What he had to endure because I didn’t go back for him.” When Steve laughs, it’s broken and sharp around the edges. Tony shifted, uncomfortable under the weight of it. “So busy fighting I lost part of myself. He’d have searched for me. Even if it was just for a body.”

 

Tony fought to distance himself from his own emotions; he needed to if he had any hope of helping Steve reach some peace with this. Tony nodded again and considered what had been said carefully before speaking. “What they did to him is not on you. You’ve probably heard this before and at some level you know that, but it’s on Zola and his men. They turned him into what he is now. There was no reason to think he would survive a fall like that. You could have gone back and never found him. You were in wartime and couldn’t spare weeks, let alone days.  Look how long it took to find you. I’ve wasted a lot of my life on what ifs. It won’t help you and it certainly won’t help Barnes. The only way to help either of you is to move forward.”

 

Steve clenches his jaw, worked it. For as readable as he was, Tony couldn’t tell if that was a movement of annoyance or something new. “He was like a brother to me. I thought I’d never have that again. In a way, I should be grateful.”

 

“Nah, sounds like you got a pretty shitty lot.”

 

Steve chuckled. “Most would think I won the lottery. I don’t think this is helping.” Steve ran a hand through his hair, unsettling that precise part.

 

“Keep the ball rolling. Let’s see where it goes. That’s what my therapist tells me.” 

 

“You’re in therapy?” Steve appeared startled and shocked by Tony’s unintentional admission. Not that it was anything he was ashamed of. Anymore at least.

 

“I was tortured by terrorists. Fell out of a wormhole. Some other things in between. Of course I’m in therapy,” Tony responded dryly, while trying to normalize the concept for Steve. Maybe the admittance would push Steve in that direction, but Tony doubted he could do much to influence Steve to such a degree.

 

“Sam keeps trying to talk me into that. Does it help?”

 

Tony did his best to stay relaxed and not become rigid with the probing questions. This was not where he’d expected his night to go. “No idea, but feels more productive than moping on my own. Do you talk to Sam about this stuff?” Tony mostly wondered because he had to be leagues more qualified than Tony. 

 

“No. He looks up to me.” Firm, final. A warning behind the words and the bright blue of his iris.

 

Tony didn’t know what the hell that meant. He sat there trying to measure how beyond his emotional intelligence this conversation had to be. Had he not made it clear that he looked up to Steve too —even if some of his field calls could be viewed as optional—? And why did it matter? Looking up to someone didn’t mean you weren’t allowed to have bad days or weeks. It brought Tony back to his father and the way the lights would go out behind his eyes when the crowd went away. Tony wondered if he had similar associations, if being perceived as better meant not showing any other emotions beyond confidence, a smile-

 

The thoughts were resulting in a pounding headache and weren’t going to do either Steve or Tony a lot of good. At least that’s how Tony saw it. He’d lock himself up in his workshop with a lot of alcohol one day to properly think it over. Right now he felt as exhausted as Steve looked.

 

“I know she accomplished so much in her lifetime, but I wonder if she was happy,” Steve put out there, quietly. Saving Tony from replying to the previous comment.

 

“Peggy?” Tony asked as nonchalantly as he could manage.

 

“I know it’s pointless.” Tony made a bunch of different faces at that, but Steve didn’t catch any of it. He was still avoiding eye contact and Tony was liking it less and less.

 

“Why don’t you ask her during one your visits?”

 

Steve gave him a startled look. Maybe Tony wasn’t supposed to be aware of the visits? Tony shrugged, hoping that would make up for the possible mistake.

 

“I don’t have the right to and it would feel- Even when she’s lucid,” Steve struggled with the right words, but Tony got where he was going. This maybe he could help with.

 

“Her life didn’t stop or end because you weren’t there. Just my opinion, but I think she was happy.” Tony amended, “As happy as she could be without you.”

 

“How would you know?” Steve asked, back to that stare down that left Tony feeling like a textbook, and not an easy read, either. He knew Steve and him were becoming friends, maybe good friends, but Steve still acted like Tony would go at him if he showed enough of his wounds. 

 

“I knew her. She was a family friend. Howard’s.” 

 

“What?” The only thing all night to leap out of Steve’s mouth. He’d really thought Steve had known, even attributed resentment and animosity toward it. 

 

“Well, you know she founded Shield and Howard was part of it. I didn’t realize then that’s what all the late meetings were about, of course. She was one of the few people who stuck around during the circus show that happened after my parents deaths.”

 

“I didn’t know that,” Steve breathed and there was unguarded softness in his expression. Tony’s gut clenched and now he was the one taking in the paint on the walls for all it was worth. It was actually worth a higher amount than one would first think taking in the robin egg color.

 

“Not surprising. You tend to argue with me more than talk to me.” Tony hadn’t meant for it to come out as confrontational as it did. 

 

“I don’t mean to argue with you. We have very different approaches.” The movement from the corner of his eyes led Tony to believe that Steve might reach out and touch him. If Steve did that Tony would have to abandon his role of helpful friend for isolation. There was only a certain level of emotional volume he could take in during one sitting. At least, he’d want to run from the room.

 

He probably wouldn’t leave no matter how much his instincts told him to.“I know, and we are getting better. Probably. I think. Kind of. We’re getting the missions done so that’s good,” Tony rushed out.

 

Steve snorted, breaking the tension. Another flicker of movement told him Steve had pulled away. “I’m glad to hear you thought she was a happy.”

 

The words were meant to be light. Steve could feel the weight of their conversation just like Tony had, but Tony couldn’t stand the sentence. The more his brain worked through the problem, Steve’s problem… The more Tony imagined him sitting alone in his bed all night, thinking about Peggy and everyone else from the forties. Thinking about them until he went to the gym for long stretches at a time. Until he was too tired to function.

 

“She was,” Tony said with more conviction, grabbing onto eye contact and not letting either turn their heads again. “Still a little bit in love with you, but you can’t get rid of that sort of thing. It seems like everyone that came into contact with you back then loved you at least a little. I heard so many stories. They all had pieces of you and yet nothing like the real thing.”

 

Steve’s face was unreadable as it darted around Tony’s features. Letting the words sink it. “Should I take that as a compliment?”

 

“Probably not. Their stories painted you in a pretty great light. Then again, I can’t believe you were twenty-one and had never gone dancing,” Tony attempted to lighten things again by mocking Steve. He’d been sincere and that would have to be enough.

 

Steve chuckled like it was an old joke. “Still haven’t.”

 

“You’re kidding,” Tony asked stuck between his disbelief and how typically Steve Rogers that sounded. 

 

“Nope. Bad timing. Not the right partner. You know how it goes.” Steve shook his head with a ‘what are you gonna do’ expression. 

 

“No, no I don’t know how that goes. So what you’re really saying is you’re afraid to embarrass yourself?” Tony questioned, trying to call Steve out but ending up yawning at the end.Surprised laughter choked it’s way out of Steve. 

 

“Okay, maybe it’s a little of that too.”

 

“Well if you ever want a dance instructor, I’m your guy.” A night for word vomit. Tony wanted to pull the words back into his brain and mouth. Erase it from existence. Now that was a laughable idea. Tony Stark teaching Captain America to dance. 

 

“You can dance?”

“The doubt is killing me Cap. Howard started playing show and tell with me in public settings at a young age. Of course I can dance.” Tony ended up frowning midway through the sentence and quickly moved to rectify it. 

 

He didn’t manage fast enough. “He did a number on you.” It wasn’t a question and really anyone who’d had any conversation with Tony that mentioned his father didn’t have to question. It was there in his voice, laying in wait of discovery.

 

“Or Nat would probably be willing if you prefer a woman to teach you to dance? Oh don’t look at me like that. Howard wasn’t bad. He could have been worse. He didn’t act towards everyone else like he did towards me, yeah. I think he’s a little like you, when I’m being very optimistic. Spent all his energy trying to save the world that he had none left for me. He only had higher standards for me because of that. In that world I can chalk up his distance to more than money or fame. Really, I have nothing to complain about.” Tony brought his hands back from behind his head and fisted them in his lap.

 

“He was my friend, but I somehow doubt that.” Tony suddenly found his hands much more interesting. Didn’t speak a word in response. They weren’t continuing that conversation now or anytime soon. He’d already said more about Howard out loud than he had in what felt like years.

 

“I’d prefer you as an instructor,” Steve added, understanding the silence more than Tony thought he would.

 

“This will be fun.” Tony yawned again while stretching out his neck. Those forty something hours and the emotionally draining conversation had stolen all the energy Tony had left. He struggled to keep his eyes open.

 

“I regret my decision already.”

 

“Have a little faith.” Tony caught Steve smiling again and there was something about that smile. Even while he’s starting to fall asleep it stayed imprinted in his mind. It was always like this, he could run on almost no fuel for days, but when he finally ran out of energy, it was on the spot. He would shut his eyes and there would be no opening them again until the following day.

 

Even in the start of sleep he swore he caught Steve saying, “Maybe we can go visit Peggy sometime together.” A pause. “Tony?” Tony tried to get words out, but they came out sleep addled and nonsensical. He gave up, curling up on his side. 

 

If Tony had been more awake, he might have felt Steve rearrange the blankets so he was better covered, or heard Steve’s final words before he, too, gave into sleep

 

“Thank you.”

 

* * *

**Present Day**

 

Turning points are strange things. People very rarely realize they are at one until they’ve rounded the bend. One would think they’d feel themselves diverging from the path they had been walking on. The safe path. The predictable one.

 

Tony had never been so lucky as to not see all the options laid out in front of him. His mind rarely stuck to the path it was on, favoring all the trajectories presented.

 

Sitting here with Rhodey, they were at a turning point. Not that Rhodey acted like it with how slowly he moved across each page in the stack he held.

 

Nothing here was safe. Everything predictable.

 

Rhodey wasn’t appreciating the whole being sat down at one of the conference tables in the Avenger’s facility, reading through inked paper while Tony wordlessly monitored his progress.  “You sitting here while I read through several hundred pages of legal documents is not making this go faster.”

 

“You’ve always performed well under pressure. Look, you’re almost done.” Tony said, waving him away with a hand gesture and looking away toward the window. He couldn’t look Rhodey in the eye because if he did, he’d know. Know enough to needle Tony into letting loose a barricade of thoughts he wouldn’t ever be able to comfort… But Tony had been avoiding eye contact for hours and he had no doubt Rhodes had noticed it by now.

 

Rhodey was dragging through the last few bits of the documents. Scrutinizing Tony more than the pages. Tony felt like an animal in a cage when Rhodey did that. He would approach and then back up with exceeding amounts of caution. Occasionally throw out pieces of bait to see how Tony would react. Not taking it being nearly as damning as opening his mouth and reaching.

 

Tony could admit he had some problems communicating when he was having emotional problems, that he had a tendency to redirect those emotions in negative behavior patterns. He’d like to think he’d gotten better. Had to be better, with everything that was at stake. The way Rhodey was acting stated otherwise.

He’d been doing well. Been behaving like a well adjusted adult that dealt with their traumas through healthy coping mechanisms. He’d gotten the girl back. Was mentoring a kid. Would keep building the Avenger’s back up from the rubble even if it killed him in the process.

 

Then last night happened.

 

Tony had ruined everything he had been working for in an instant. Now his best friend was looking at him like Tony had somehow screwed up, but couldn’t determine how yet. Simply looking at a face was too much. Felt like his actions had robbed him of the right given all that Rhodey had lost just a few months ago.

 

Rhodey wave a hand in front of his face. “I’m done.”

 

Tony blinked and took in the single page that lay separate from the stack. “What do you think?”

 

Rhodey shifted, running his hand down his leg. The metal that looped over his pant legs connected to rods that reached for his waist stood out brightly against the sun. “Still mulling it over. There’s just one thing I have to figure out first.”

 

“Oh? What’s that?” Tony had figured everything in there would be as straightforward as the Captain that had written them. That Rhodey would reach a fast conclusion. Then they could move on with the unmoveable. 

 

“If whatever is going on with you is ‘give terrorists your address bad’, ‘you’re dying bad’ or ‘creating a genocide robot bad.’”

 

Tony made an evasive hand gesture while rolling his eyes. “Ultron was not a robot.”

 

“So you aren’t currently trying to recreate the plot of I Robot?”

 

Tony felt deeply insulted by the comparison on multiple levels. Ultron had been much more advanced — in his opinion— than the AI there. “A lot could have been done to prevent what happened in that movie.”

 

“The parallels grow stronger.”

 

Tony huffed out a breath and pushed down a grim smile. “So what do you think of it?” he stressed again, because he needed this limbo off his plate. The plate may already be shattered, but going through motions would be vital until he figured out how to super glue it back together.

 

“I don’t know. What do you think of it?” Rhodey countered, making it clear in that one question he would not be letting go of his suspicions in favor of the Accords.

 

“Are you really going to be like this? You’re really going to be like this.” Tony shook his head and combed a hand through his hair shakily.

 

“I’m really going to be like this.”

 

“I told Rogers that I wasn’t reading it unless you said it was worth my time,” Tony threw out there. Trying not to puff out his chest, hoping it could end there. That Rhodey hadn’t known Tony so long that he could sniff out his treachery. That was the fifteenth time he’d glanced down at Tony’s split lip worriedly.

 

“Very valiant of you,” Rhodes deadpanned, not seeming impressed by Tony’s dramatic gesture at the time. It hadn’t been meant as valiant. Just a reminder to Steve and Sam that pieces of paper couldn’t fix the fissures that had been created during the civil war. You needed more than a written letter saying sorry to fix someone’s spine.

 

“I thought it made a point.” Tony shrugged.

 

“So how long until you pulled off the road to read it?”

 

“About twenty minutes give or take a few.”

 

Rhodey grinned. “I’m thinking the same thing you are probably. There are a number of changes I saw in the draft you were already planning to propose to the UN. Necessary changes. Others are more...” Rhodey trailed off.

 

“Radical,” Tony sighed.

 

“Yeah, they aren’t going to happen. I agree we can’t have all the power resting on a panel of people with their own agenda, but we can’t have all of it either. There is no point to the Accords if oversight is just that in name.”

 

Tony leaned his legs out in front of him, leaning his head back toward the ceiling. “I agree. I don’t think Rogers will though.”

 

“Steve is one of many. What about the others?”

 

“You know Cap has always been the point of contention. He could convince the others that downing a bottle of habanero sauce was fun if he put his mind to it.”  

 

“Invoking strong imagery, but I think your bias is coloring you here, Tony. We can talk to Natasha, Clint, and T’Challa like we originally planned if Steve doesn’t give on some of these points.” 

 

“Why is that the plan again? T’Challa and Nat are both not technically in violation of the accords as is.” Not since T’Challa had rescinded his statements on Natasha’s traitorous actions. The new king had changed what he said so she merely received minor disciplinary action rather than a prison sentence. Still, she’d run off after her name had been cleared. Tony assumed to join Steve wherever he’d been off galavanting. He only got the stray text message from her now. “And Clint is retired.”

 

“Yeah, like you were retired?” 

 

“Exactly.” In that retirement was only a word that they used to fool themselves. To pretend that normal life was still within their grasp. That the next time danger rose up they’d be able to look the other way. Let the next generation take the call.

 

A bunch of bullshit, but Tony wouldn’t be the one to invade another’s fantasy. 

 

“I think it’s worth trying to work things out with Steve. I may not like him, but-“

 

“We work best as a team. For the sake of the world,” Tony said dryly. He’d known Rhodey would more easily put aside his emotions on the matters than Tony ever could. The military had been Rhodes’ life for so long that he didn’t have many personal relationships going on outside of being Tony’s closest friend. He’d always lived his life as unselfishly as possible and an injury wouldn’t change that.

 

“Do you want to call him up then?” Tony put out there because he wouldn’t be using the phone Steve had deposited. Like a gift. Like he was giving Tony something he needed, being the bigger person. Calling Steve on that phone would be an acquiescence that he couldn’t give. It would start with a phone call. It would end somewhere along the lines of agony.

 

“No, I’ll leave that to you. But if he is the cause of all those injuries that you have been refusing to talk about for the last hour, then I say no to coming to the table with him. It’s not worth it. Not for the world. Not for anything.”

 

Tony sighed for the umpteenth time. “It’s not what you think.”

 

“Good, because it looks like he knocked you around without your suit on.” It may look like that, but it didn’t feel that way. Sure there were aches, but not the sharp pain of ribs cracking under the breakage of his suit. He’d gone a few rounds with Steve in the ring before. That also hurt more than this, despite all the effort Steve put into holding back.

 

There hadn’t been a lot of holding back yesterday.

 

Tony drummed his fingers across the tabletop. “I want to say he wouldn’t do that but I don’t know him that well anymore. He didn’t knock me around without my suit on.” Not exactly. Knocking around wasn’t the same thing as knocking boots by Tony’s definition.

 

“Then what’s going on here, Tony? You look terrible and I don’t mean the bruises. You come home with those more often than not, anyway.”

 

“I do not.” He amended,  “Anymore.”

 

“I’m worried about you.”

 

“Rogers didn’t do anything to hurt me physically on purpose,” Tony struggled to come up with the right words. It hadn’t been the most elegantly constructed sentence, nor was it particularly convincing. 

 

“Then what’s happening here? You can’t even look at me Tony.”

 

“I’m not- He didn’t-“ Tony started and stopped. Stuck between the crossroads of damning himself by saying it all outloud or letting the guilt of it eat him alive.

 

“I may not be in War Machine shape, but if he does anything to you like what happened in Siberia I will find a way-“

 

“Steve is fine. It’s not Steve,” Tony cut in heavily. It didn’t come down to wanting to defend Rogers. Steve was far from a saint. Steve wasn’t worth defending, but the pain that wracked him was his own fault. His own lack of judgement. It wasn’t Steve’s mistakes that sat on Tony’s shoulders and carved his insides with regret. They were his own. “Pepper and I are over.”

 

It had finally been said. Tony ran his hand over his face, his eyes going wide.

 

Those hadn’t been the words he wanted to say, but they had been the words haunting him all last night. The words tangled throughout his head when he’d seen Steve with the cup of coffee. The words stabbing into his skull when Sharon was mentioned. The words piercing themselves into his heart when Steve had walked away from him last night. The ones that needed to be said.

 

He’d ruined the best thing in his life.

 

Rhodey didn’t look surprised or shocked and why should he? Tony was a screw up. Bound to screw up the relationship with the perfect woman for him. This was not a surprise. This was not an unexpected turning point in Tony’s life. “You two broke up?”

 

“No,” Tony kept running his hand across his face, aggressively, roughly against the facial hair and skin there. “She sent me a message. She’s coming in tomorrow around noon. She’s-“

 

“You’re breaking up with Pepper?” Now Rhodes did look surprised because Tony would have to be out of his mind to do that. “I didn’t think you’d be the one to do it.”

 

Tony met his friends eyes trying to figure out what he was thinking. “What does that mean? I don’t know what that means.” Finally, really staring into the face that was more familiar than his own. It didn’t help and he hadn’t thought it would. Rhodes was poker facing him and doing a good job at it. 

 

“I’ve been worried about you ever since Siberia. You’ve been impulsive-“

 

Tony felt irritation well up in him. “I’ve been on top of everything -- especially in the face of what has happened. Stark Industries is excelling, the Avengers facility is growing, I’m engaged- You know what I mean. I’m doing great. I was great. I was good.” Tony thought it would be more convincing if his voice hadn’t taken on a tremor. 

“You got back with Pepper and then fled to Asia for a month.”

 

“You know why I was in Asia.”

 

“I know you went to Nepal trying to track down Dr. Strange.” Tony looked away sharply, his foot starting to tap against the ground uneasily. The rhythm of it chaotic and unfamiliar. He knew the surgeon’s hands would never recover well enough to do surgery, but Tony thought maybe if he looked over Rhodey’s scans… Maybe Dr. Strange could come up with a solution that none of the other doctors had been able to. He’d thought tracking down the world renown surgeon would be simple with his resources. Tony had come up with only dead ends after reaching Nepal. Like the man had disappeared off the face of the Earth.

 

“After a week of not being able to find him, you still stayed there.” The thought of coming back to Rhodey empty handed had been unbearable, but he couldn’t say that to his face. Rhodes had taken on every step of his disability with an amount of grace and positivity that Tony found admirable, but sometimes his face revealed the stress. Sometimes he revealed how deeply the injuries cut and Tony had put it off. Unable to pull any hope away from his friend.

 

“The incident in India-“

 

“Happened two weeks later. What were you doing over there all that time?”

 

Tony concentrated on his breathing exercises. “Looking into other alternative healing methods.” Tony didn’t bother to mention that they hadn’t been healing methods for Rhodey. He’d looked into other coping mechanisms that weren’t the pills Western medicine seemed to favor. Tony had been teetering at the edge of a breakdown and the weeks over there had helped dragged him from it.

 

Only a temporary delay in the inevitable.

 

“You ran away and then when you came back you proposed to Pepper. After having barely been in a room with her since before your breakup. Do you see what I’m getting at here Tony?”

 

“It’s not-“ But Tony looked back at the past months. He’d thought he’d been dealing with things one day at a time. Making the most of all the added responsibility. Drinking less. Only going out for the mandatory social occasions. Smiling on cue. Being who the world, Pepper, Rhodey and Peter needed him to be.

 

He’d been lying to himself. Avoiding all the problems he’d needed to face in order to truly move forward. Pushed down all the emotions until they’d all welled back up upon seeing Steve again.

 

“I fucked up Rhodey. I really fucked up. You don’t understand.” 

 

Rhodes put a hand on Tony’s shoulder, squeezed it in what was suppose to be comfort. He would be so disgusted with Tony when he realized what happened.

 

“Breaking off the engagement doesn’t mean you have to breakup with Pepper, Tony.  If you don’t want to. You two need time to reassess things and figure out what you both want.” That sounded reasonable and logical. It made sense to say that given what Rhodes knew, but Tony had done the unforgivable.

 

“I cheated on her.”

 

He’d done so many bad things in his life. Tony, with his string of women and non committal relationships. Dubbed with the title playboy that he sometimes brandishes like a badge of honor, another suit of armor. He’d done a lot he regretted and a lot he didn’t, but he’d never been a cheater. You couldn’t cheat if didn’t have any relationships to begin with. Tony had never seen himself as that guy. He was better than that guy. At least he thought he had been.

 

Rhodey’s hand dropped away. He blinked stupidly at Tony.

 

Tony was suppose to kiss Pepper that night all those years ago at that work party out on the balcony. He hadn’t. Tony was suppose to not let his superhero alter ego get between them. He had. Tony was suppose to marry Pepper and live happily ever after with her because she was the best thing to ever happen to him. She kept him on the straight and narrow, reminded him of what was worth fighting for. He’d wanted the family life. No matter all the different women and drinks he couldn’t drown out the need buried inside of him to find the one.

 

He’d found her.

 

Now he’d lost her because he was a self destructive idiot.

 

“I can’t do this right now. I can’t-“ Tony stood up from his chair. “I need to figure out what I’m going to say tomorrow. I need to-“

 

“Tony wait a minute.”

 

He saw Rhodey starting to push up from his seat and knew it was unfair to walk briskly out of the door to the conference room when Rhodes would never be able to catch up. Tony would add that to the long list of things to be guilty over later. Right now he needed to be by himself. Put the Accords out of his mind and figure out a delivery that would make this not as horrible as it was.

 

A buzzing in his pocket caused him to draw out his phone. Tony expected it to be Rhodey cussing him out or Pepper with tomorrow’s itinerary. Instead it was neither.

 

_ I’m staying at 569 Leaman Place if you want to meet up and talk about the Accords. - Steve _

 

Tony stared down at the old phone. Not having realized it was the wrong pocket for his Stark phone until he’d flipped it open. Effortlessly. Without thought. His hands danced over the buttons before he shoved it back down into denim without reply.

 

He couldn’t deal with Steve right now. The stubborn bastard could wait a few days before he got a response on the deal he’d first walked away from.

 

The only thing Tony needed to figure out right then was how he would find the words that would break Pepper’s heart and destroy his chances of happiness with her forever.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! I hope you enjoy this chapter, I promise much more Steve in the next one! I saw Avengers Infinity War (opening night >_<) and just wanted to restate that there will be no spoilers for that movie in this fic at any point. It in fact contradicts the movie at a certain point, but is canon compliant up until that movie. Thank you to the lovely and amazing betas who edited this chapter for me [olympvs](https://archiveofourown.org/users/olympvs) and[ NerdCat_Aydsa](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NerdCat_Aydsa)! Thanks as always for reading and commenting, it really means so much to me.
> 
> I'm not exactly sure on the timeline for the next chapter. It's actually almost complete but my computer decided to break last week and since I'm dealing with a lot of vet bills it may be a minute before I can get it fixed. I'm entertaining some ideas as to how to get the story off of it in the meantime since a lot of the chapters are actually 50% done (I write in a very popcorn style Q_Q) and I really don't want that holding me up more than usual. Anyway! We will see. Have an awesome stony filled day XD

**August 1st, 2014**

  
  


Tony was an anxious wreck.

 

Steve watched him haphazardly throw a handful of broken ceramic pieces into the trash. Tony was doing his best to phase out Steve’s presence while he paced the room. Again. Steve who looked perfectly at ease with his stupid orange juice and stupid pancakes and stupid pile of blueberries.

 

“Why don’t you sit down and eat something?”

 

“Later.”

 

“I don’t think drinking more coffee is going to help with whatever is going on,” Steve muttered picking up the paper and unfolding it with a crinkle.

 

“And I think newspapers are an outdated source of media, but every theory needs to be tested,” Tony responded, getting a super large mug to dump more coffee into. He downed another tankard’s worth of the stuff, amping up the twitchy energy he’d been giving off since entering the room.

 

“I’ve never seen anyone so nervous about seeing their girlfriend before,” Clint remarked, pushing off from the table.

 

Steve eyed Clint’s exiting form with a sigh. Everyone else had been avoiding the words ‘girlfriend’ and ‘Pepper’ for the last couple days. Tony’s usual level of chaos had been spiraling, and the majority knew well enough to clear out before he went into detonation mode.

 

“I’m not nervous,” Tony called out. “You’d understand if you had a girlfriend— Or boyfriend! I don’t discriminate.”

 

“I don’t want either,” Clint yelled back, laughing at a joke Tony didn’t get. Tony reopened his mouth with something meanly clever at the tip of his tongue.

 

“Don’t lash out at Clint,” Steve said calmly before he could get it out. Steve was much more put together than he’d been at the start of last week. Well rested, back to the voice of reason, and at the top of that high mantle Tony couldn’t reach. Always his opposite with the way they orbited around each other.

 

“Do you not find it weird that he disappears for weeks at a time and then comes in here-” Tony rubbed his temples and shut his eyes tightly, not bothering to finish the thought. Before he’d barely seen Clint because he was always gone on missions and rarely visited Tony in New York. With SHIELD gone Tony didn’t know what his disappearing act was about, and couldn’t dredge up enough willpower to find out.

 

“Want to talk about it?” Steve offered, not talking about Clint, but Tony’s personal problems. The past week Steve had been around. A lot. Making himself available to help with things Tony didn’t need help with. Steve came down to his lab a few days ago to offer his hand with any heavy lifting. Tony had been working on nano tech — in the very ground level phases with no practical uses yet. He didn’t need a hand with heavy lifting and beyond that, anything too heavy for Tony to lift could be lifted by his tech designed for that purpose. It was impractical and—

 

A little distracting.

 

Steve being down there with his take-up-the-room aura did not equate to a conducive work environment. How was he supposed to play around with nano technology when Steve would make a snarky comment that had Tony folded in half, trying to recapture his breath between gasps of laughter?

 

“No Cap.”

 

“What’s got you so-“

 

“I’m not nervous.”

 

“Okay.” Steve held up his hands and went back to reading his paper wordlessly.

 

It was a mixture of nerves and excitement. Tony was excited to have Pepper there in what felt like a second home to him. He wanted to see how to makes these two different parts of his life work together, see how they melded. Tony also wanted to introduce her to all of the Avengers she hadn’t yet met in person. Not because they were heroes, but because they’d become ingrained into his life. Important to him. So it was important for everyone to meet, shake hands and hopefully get along. She would be arriving any minute and Tony was torn between not being able to wait and putting it off forever.

 

Her trip here had been cancelled on multiple occasions. Pepper was busy running a company and things came up. He knew that better than anyone, but she hadn’t been here since before May. He’d always been the one to fly out to her up until this point, and even that was few and far between. Most of their conversations took place over SI technology. In some ways the distant relationship fit his personality well. He told himself he wouldn’t know what to do having someone there twenty-four-seven when it came to living arrangements. Those two months Pepper had lived with him back in California were an adjustment that both of them struggled with. Being around that often just gave more opportunities for things to go wrong.

 

The reasons he’d compiled for distance being a positive thing would be easier to swallow if there hadn’t been weeks or even months of tense conversations between them. Only, they didn’t really argue. Tony had never liked raising his voice even in heated conversations and Pepper rarely did anymore. Despite the lack of heated conversation he could feel the stress that had wormed its way between them as it grew with each passing day. He’d fallen back in love with New York. It was supposed to be a temporary stay until their home in California was reconstructed, but the need to go back to the seashore house he’d put so much work into wasn’t present anymore.

 

He conveyed to Pepper that it made more sense for him to be here. That the Avengers were doing important work together; finding and dismantling the remainder of Hydra had to come first. It would be easier to coordinate all of that while living with the rest of his teammates.

 

Sometimes she took it at face value. Other times she took it personally and he couldn’t exactly blame her for that. He blamed her for nothing. This hadn’t been what they agreed to. Pepper wanted him to stop fighting all together. He’d agreed to scale it back, would never let it get to how it became with the Mandarin again. Tony had put in every measure imaginable so that she would remain safe.

 

He worried it wouldn’t be enough. That this trip wasn’t really to meet the team or a chance to show off all the Avenger Tower’s new features, but a breakup. That she was coming here to end it because this lifestyle wasn’t the one Pepper wanted or deserved. She would walk out the doors and that would be it.

 

“Ms. Potts has arrived, sir,” JARVIS announced.

 

Tony stiffened, ran his tongue across his bottom lip. Fiddled around with his coffee cup and looked toward the wide windows distractedly.

 

“It’s going to be fine Tony.” Steve’s hand was warm on the back of his neck. He jumped at the contact and the unexpected gesture.

 

It helped more than Tony wanted to admit. It reminded him a little of Rhodey, who he’d also not seen in a while. The US military was taking full advantage of the only man who could pilot War Machine. They’d also been doing a ton of rebranding and marketing after the Christmas Day fiasco. The last time Rhodes had stopped by was to scold Tony for screwing with his passcodes.

 

Again.

 

“Yeah, I know,” Tony said back at Steve. No sooner had the words come out of his mouth did the elevator ding.

 

Pepper Potts would always be a force to be reckoned with. She walked into the room like she was perfectly in control of every variable life could throw her way, nothing like the indecision Tony felt.  She gave a cursory glance around the space before spotting him. A soft smile lighting up her face. Her suitcase rolled behind her as she came to stand in front of him.

 

Pepper enveloped him in a tight hug. “It’s so good to see you again.”

 

Tony couldn’t believe how worked up he’d gotten himself this morning. He’d thrown out all of the strawberries in the kitchen— ruining Bruce’s smoothie plans. Drank an ocean’s worth of coffee and been fiddling nervously with his silverware for so long that Natasha thought he had plans to stab someone with it. Everyone had cleared out but Steve, unsurprisingly. Tony took a step back, remembering his manners and part of the reason behind her trip here.

 

Tony made a sweeping arm movement to indicate Steve. “Steve this is Pepper Potts, my amazingly talented CEO and beautiful girlfriend.”

 

“He thinks flattery will get him out of tomorrow’s meetings.” Pepper put on her business smile while looking Steve over. For all her professionalism there was a starlike quality that couldn’t be ignored when taking in the man who stood behind the Captain America shield. Tony could see it in the slight raise of her brows.

 

Tony grinned. “It was worth a shot. Pepper, this is Captain Steven Rogers. Superhero or something boring like that.”

 

Steve rolled his eyes before stepping forward. “Pleasure to meet you.” He took Pepper’s hand and used the full effect of those blue eyes on her. Steve might be putting on the good ole’ boy act to mess with Tony, but a little wrinkle of discomfort went through him at her slightly awestruck expression. Pepper had been much too caught up by the bullet holes the first time she’d seen Iron Man, no place for awe or any associated emotion.

 

“Watch it Captain Handsome,” Tony joked.

 

Pepper recovered from any fluster she’d been feeling with a reprimanding look to Tony. “Pleasure to meet you as well, I’ve been looking forward to it.”

 

“That’s her way of saying us teaming up together has been good for SI’s stocks.” Pepper elbowed Tony in the ribs, not gently either. He winced.

 

“Ignore him. I hope he hasn’t been too much trouble for you guys.”

 

Tony rolled his eyes. “That is an unfair assumption.”

 

“He’s the right amount of trouble, ma’am.” Steve sent Tony a surprisingly fond smile. Not one he’d expected from all the grousing he’d gotten after nearly every mission they’d went on. That was the kind of smile you gave someone you actually enjoyed having around. The kind you gave a close friend who was also in on the joke.

 

“Call me Pepper, please. Has he been sleeping and eating right?”

 

“No, Pepper don’t do that,” Tony said automatically. It hadn’t come as a surprise, but he really wished she would stop doing that. There had only been a few occasions where he’d completely forgotten to eat — sleep was another area. “I’m not a houseplant you left alone while on vacation.”

 

Pepper raised a single brow. Tony barely caught Steve standing beside them with bright red cheeks. The expression so unusual Tony found his head snapping back to Steve’s direction, completely fascinated as the red went down his neck. Pepper turned to Steve as well, more perplexed.

 

“He’s been sleeping and eating.” Steve managed, but it came out strangled. Tony tried to decode what that meant, but Pepper swept past it much to Steve’s apparent relief.

 

“Right! I’ll have to hear more about you dragging Tony grocery shopping later,” Pepper said, smiling warmly. “Anyone that can do that has my respect.”

 

“Oh come on,” Tony said, stretching his arm so it was draped around Pepper’s shoulders. His focus was still on the way Steve’s hand was rubbing uncomfortably into his arm. “I’m not that bad,” he responded. He found their back and forth comforting, but was a little distracted despite himself.

 

“You are that bad.”

 

Tony smirked. “But you like it?”

 

Pepper shook her head in good humor. “I put up with it,” she said sighing and looking down at the phone that kept buzzing with incoming messages. “I drove myself over. I know, who does that in Manhattan? I won’t be making that mistake again. I’m going to go to our floor and catch up on emails. I look forward to getting to know you and the rest of the team, Captain Rogers.” She gave Tony a quick peck on the cheek.

 

Pepper was already on her Stark phone tapping away, nearly past Steve when she abruptly stopped and  looked up into his face. “Thank you for looking after him.”

 

Tony would have jumped in with something sardonic and defensive if it weren’t for Steve’s troubled expression. He couldn’t see Pepper’s face, but knew the look she must be giving him. The one with heartbreak in her eyes. With the heaviness of worry weighing down on her heart, cracking under the pressure.  Steve could probably see each mission there. Each night she’d been afraid Tony wouldn’t come back. 

 

“Of course,” Steve responded, the voice he used when he was commanding the Avengers out on the field. It was formal, assured. The whole exchange would have grated on Tony if it weren’t for the guilt. “I’ll do my best to make sure nothing happens to him on my watch.”

 

“I’m standing right here. I can make sure nothing happens to myself,” Tony managed half heartedly. He could take care of himself. There was no doubt in his mind about that, but if it made her feel a little better to see the other people on the Avengers… Get some kind of false reassurance they were looking after him, what did it hurt? Steve might say he would look after Tony, but if it came between the world and him, Steve would choose the world. If it came between the world and himself, Tony would choose the world too. That’s what they did.

 

“Thank you.” She gave her head a slight shake. “Sorry, I don’t know what came over me. I apologize for cutting this short. I’ll see you upstairs in a bit Tony?”

 

“Nothing could keep me away,” Tony called after her. He scrubbed a hand over his face uneasily as she left. Tony pushed away all of the problems with his relationship to deal with later. He could do this. He could be Iron Man and keep her happy. Maybe Tony wasn’t doing the best job at it yet, but he’d figure out a solution. He always managed to find one.

 

“You’ve got some gal there,” Steve remarked.

 

Tony plastered a smile on his face. “Don’t I know it.”

 

“Captain Handsome?”

 

Tony relaxed, lounging back into the chair and staring up at Steve. He seemed normal enough now, but still, something about his posture when Steve leaned over Tony bothered him. Created an itch at the top of his spine that he couldn’t scratch. “I thought it was clever. Maybe I should change all of your Avenger Tower passcodes to that?”

 

“You wouldn’t dare,” Steve shot back with narrowed eyes and Tony could only imagine how he’d look if he went through with doing just that.

 

“Oh Steve. So incredibly, ridiculously, decrepitly old and yet so naive.”

 

Tony would have those changed within the hour.

 

* * *

 

**Present Day**

 

Falling from grace should be effortless by now. An old hat to put on, well worn shoes to fit into, steps to retrace back to the beginning. Tony had been cursed in his journey for redemption, which was unfair really. Perhaps even untrue. He’d been cursed long before he’d wanted to fix what he’d broken. Been stopping short of his potential from day one. Tony should have come to expect failure by now, that he could only go so far without messing it all up. Every time he thought he’d hit rock bottom, he searched out worse.

 

Tony sometimes did the math of how many lives would have been lost if he’d never donned the suit; if he’d kept pushing forward with weapons manufacturing, versus all of the live taken in Sokovia. ‘Sometimes’ was  close to constant on days like this. When the guilt threatened to eat him from the inside out. Tear him apart piece by piece. He never was really sure if the numbers he got made him feel better or worse.

 

Regardless of the answer, Tony came to the same conclusion. It wasn’t the choices that were his problem, but himself. He was the broken one. Destruction would echo from every move he chose. Cursed to ruin everyone that came near. Time proved that to him over and over, no matter how many people he managed to save.

 

It was a little melodramatic way to begin the day, but he’d never bothered to check what time Pepper would be arriving and this was easier to think about than that. Barely, but enough that each second could be pushed through.

 

Tony was at his desk pretending to do work, occasionally retreating to a new floor in order to avoid Rhodey before returning back to his office once more. Eventually Rhodey would figure out a way to keep him cornered, it was a specialty of his, but Tony had at least twenty-four hours before that happened.

 

He was adding to his destruction. Not texting Steve, letting him wait. A little passive aggressive, but even with Rhodey’s go ahead Tony didn’t want to reach forward. Find twigs that he could call an olive branch and will Steve to take it. Will him not to change his mind this time.

 

He did the mature thing and sent the kid Steve’s address. Explicitly told him not to go there, but if he happened to be in the area not to get caught by anyone matching Steve’s description.

 

_ Clearly, _ since Tony had outlined this as a place not to spy on Steve, Peter would avoid doing so. 

 

Tony tried not to smile down at his phone as he turned it over in his hand. Maybe he was getting better at understanding how to mentor a teenager. He’d grill Peter for any details he gathered in a few days, to get a better idea of what Steve was up to in his hiding spot. After Tony felt like he had some kind of upper hand he’d contact Steve and set up a time to discuss the accords.

  
  


Between the many incoming catastrophes he’d barely gotten any work done. At some point in the last twelve hours Vision had dropped off the photos Tony had requested. Vision, who he rarely saw in person anymore. Continually evolving into a being that had his own agenda, which he didn’t want Tony to know anything about apparently. Vision always did his assignments in a timely manner so Tony wasn’t going to complain.

 

It wasn’t like he was lonely.

 

He gave the pictures another cursory glance. It was great that Vision had dug something up, but Tony had been expecting it be an item that was more concrete. Instead there were grainy images that told Tony what he already knew about their unknown suspect in India. The whole situation had many governments in a tizzy. It should be more of a priority, but with nothing solid to go on there wasn’t much Tony could do. He also didn’t technically have the clearance to do anything involving his suit yet.

 

Tony groaned and turned his desk so he was no longer facing the images. If he had to call the Secretary of State on top of everything else today he wasn’t going to make it to sunset. 

 

He couldn’t help but wonder when the sound of a door opening became synonymous with that of a grenade. 

 

When he turned he should have taken in the black sedan sitting in his driveway, with two SHIELD agents debating on who would take it to the garage. He should have heard Friday warning him that Pepper would be coming into his office. He should have been better prepared. 

 

“Tony,” Pepper called out. “Rhodey said I could find you in here. Well, those were not the exact words he used.” Pepper laughed and it reminded him of a soft breeze. It should have been calming, but his shoulders became hunched as he continued to run a variety of calculations. “Speaking of being told things, Vision said Steve is open to revisiting the accords? That’s great news Tony! I can’t believe you didn’t tell me.” She was rummaging around the room putting things down. “It will be great press, especially since it aligns perfectly with the launch we have next month.” 

 

Pepper sighed. “Tony, I know you’re there. I know this is hard for you, but maybe if you talked to me about it-” Pepper cut off as she rounded the desk. Her eyes widened as she took in the sight of Tony. Head held down so he wouldn’t have to look at her for a little longer. Pepper schooled her expression. “I hadn’t realized you’d been called out. What caused the bruises this time?”

 

Tony had forgotten all about the split lip and other features Steve had been kind enough to give him. He ran a finger over the cut, only getting a dull ache in response. “It’s nothing.”

 

“It’s always nothing until it’s something.” Pepper didn’t sound sharp, but he knew she wanted it to. That she was toning down  her reaction for his sake, so they wouldn’t argue. The number of words they kept to themselves grew with every year. They had created volumes of dictionaries worth of them.

It shouldn’t be this hard.

 

Tony looked at her face. The gentle wave to her hair. The constant war between softness and scolding in her gaze. The way her mouth would curve into a smile that was just for him, but could easily turn into a scowl. Equally just for him, but not as pleasant. She was like the ocean,  there when he woke up in the morning and there when he passed out in the evening. A constant wealth of support; even when the waves seemed to abate they would come around again. She would be there for him whether they were together or not. At least that was before. 

 

Some things are unforgivable. 

 

There are events catastrophic enough that they leave water out of reach, and how would he possibly survive without her there? With knowing that the next time he went to sleep she would be gone. 

 

“Tony?” Her voice was quieter, concerned. He couldn’t draw this out, distract himself with preparing an omelette for her or something as inconsequential. There would be no cushioning the blow or sugar coating to make this easier.

 

“I need to talk to you,” he said and that was a buffer. Letters, but not the right ones. He’d always had too many unnecessary words that he would spit out, and it would make people smile, frown, or glower depending on the set. So he should know the correct selection of phrases and sentences to make this better. Easier.

 

“Okay,” Pepper breathed out. She crossed back around the desk so that Tony had to spin his seat to continue facing her. Pepper sat down on the chair across from him. He didn’t say anything for so long that she searched his face closely. “Is this about the wedding? I’m still not sure about the date. I know we wanted it to be in the Summer, but SI is so busy then that we may want to push it back a year”. She kept talking and Tony knew that the smartest decision he may have ever made was making her CEO of Stark Industries. The company and Pepper had flourished under the decision. He could only imagine how much she would regret staying on after this. 

 

“It’s not about the wedding. Not directly anyway.” Tony ran a hand through his hair. They shouldn’t be doing this in the office. Across a desk, almost impersonal. Why he’d not wanted to look up her flight times before now seemed idiotic. He was unprepared. “Do you want to go to our room?”

 

“No, I want to talk about what is bothering you,” Pepper ground out, not appreciating his indirectness. The growing anxiety. Her face had become guarded as she tried to figure out where this could possibly be going. Pepper was good at handling him, he knew that. She always knew what to do when he did something wrong, how to fix it, but she had never been good at correctly reading him. Never figuring out where the blow was going to come from, only knowing it was coming. 

 

Tony took a deep breath. Breathed out. Took another. Repeated the process to the point of hyperventilation. 

 

“Tony, what is it? Are you okay?” There was more concern again and he couldn’t stand that most of all, because what had he done to deserve it? Her eyes were the color of water, so maybe that’s where he’d gotten the connection to the ocean. The shades would subtly change with her mood. Taking on an almost yellow tint when she became upset. They started to look like that now and it would only get worse.

 

She put her hand over his. Tony flinched, but didn’t retract it. Took in the warmth it offered him.

 

“I slept with someone else,” he pushed out. Not looking at her face, but the manicured finger tips. The length of her fingers that were dainty and had no callouses to speak of.

 

Her hand froze, he imagined her facial expression had to have as well. “What?” The texture in her tone hadn’t fully set into one emotion, leaving it hard for him to pick out what to say next. The hand she’d put over his stayed there, feeling heavier with every passing second.

 

He hadn’t imagined he’d have to say it to her again. It was easier the second time. It shouldn't have been. “I slep-” 

 

“I heard what you said,” she interrupted, sounding lost rather than angry. She retracted her hand, curling it into a ball. She pushed up from the table, walking toward the window. “I don’t-” she started. “Why? No, who? No, I don’t want to know that either. Just tell me it wasn’t Everhart.”

 

“Who?” Tony asked, watching Pepper, waiting for the yelling even as she couldn’t seem to move past the confusion, like she knew what that meant but didn’t understand how that would apply to them.

 

She started laughing. “I knew this wasn’t going anywhere, but I didn’t think you would ever do that.” Her laughter cut off abruptly. “I should probably be slapping the hell out of you right now,” Pepper said, studying the outside much like Tony had been earlier. 

 

“I deserve worse than that.”

 

“People warned me you would do this, but I still-” she cut off and shook her head. Turned back to Tony. She towered over him, which was not helped by Tony folding himself up in his swivel chair. Hoping to get himself so small that he’d cease to exist. “I knew better. That this wasn’t going to work.” 

  
Tony thought they had both known that. Months ago, before the accords. It became confusing, the lines between being in love and loving someone. He would give Pepper the moon if she asked forit, but had never been willing to give her all of himself. He’d tried to throw away the Iron Man mantle. Tried to make her happy and it hadn’t worked. 

 

A tear ran down her cheek but she hurriedly brushed it away. “We need to work out arrangements. Details.” 

 

“We need to what?” Tony echoed back, surprised Pepper wanted to jump right into the schematics of things when her eyes were brimming with unshed tears. He’d never been in this particular situation before but this didn’t feel like the correct response.

 

“We’ll announce the breakup after the news of the new accords is announced. People will be too distracted by that to care much about our personal relationship. Captain America, the Falcon, Hawkeye and the others being back will be-”

 

“I uh-” Tony started and stopped. Not sure what to say to that. “There’s no guarantee that will go through,” he replied instead. 

 

“If it doesn’t we’ll figure out another time to announce that the engagement is off, so it won’t affect stocks too much. It was bad enough when we broke up earlier this year.”

 

“Who cares about stocks right now Pepper, because I certainly don’t.” It wasn’t the right thing to say. He knew it immediately from the flush in her face and the tick in her jaw. If he said one more wrong thing she’d start yelling, and he wasn’t sure if that would be an improvement to the current conversation or not. 

 

He should be pleading. Begging her not to leave him. He should be on his knees groveling for forgiveness. Explaining how he didn’t want a moment of stupidity ruin an eternity of happiness with her.

 

But he didn’t. His mouth stayed in an impassive line. Tony continued to make uneasy eye contact. “You are staying on as CEO?”

 

“Of course I’m staying on as CEO. I have poured my life into this company.”

 

Tony breathed out because whatever happened next she wouldn’t be exiting his life forever. No matter how today ended he would see her again. Probably never romantically, but seeing her at all meant something. He wanted Pepper in his life no matter what-- that he knew with complete certainty. “I’m sorry, Pepper.”

 

“I know you are Tony,” Pepper said quickly wiping another tear away. “What you did- There are no words for it, but I knew better than to get involved with you again and that’s my fault. That doesn’t excuse what you did. It never will, but I’m not leaving the company over it. I don’t have Rhodey, Vision, or the Avengers Initiative. I have SI and I’m not losing it over your stupid mistake.”

 

Tony nodded. “That’s fair. I wouldn’t have SI run any other way,” he offered. She shook her head slowly. The tears were coming faster than she could wipe them away. Tony stood up and took a step toward her. She held out her hand.

 

“No, Tony. I need time. Just- I’ll return the ring after we make the announcement and will have my assistant get in touch, okay? I can’t be in the same room as you right now.” Pepper sniffled and gave Tony a onceover. “I love you.”

 

“I love you too,” Tony breathed as she gathered up her bags and walked out the door. She didn’t slam it behind her. Didn’t burst into sobs in his office, throw things at his face as she walked away but he still felt the hole it cut out of his heart. 

 

But...

 

Underneath the pain. Underneath the agony of hurting someone he loved so completely. Underneath the guilt. Underneath the self hatred and fury. Under the heartbreak lay complete and utter relief. 

 

It shouldn’t have happened this way, but it had needed to end. Rhodey had hinted at it yesterday. Their engagement had been a moment of impulsivity. Tony had been having moment after moment of quick decisions that he had marked as improvements because they looked right. Were textbook in what someone growing into himself should look like. Yet here with the walls crumbling around him he only found it easier to breathe. 

 

He should be thinking about Pepper. Chasing after her. He should be doing a lot of things and parts of his brain were there. Wondering about the needed grand gestures he could possibly do to get her back…

 

The rest of him was with Steve and his question from the other night. Steve had asked Tony why he had been at the Tower that night, knowing that Steve would be there. Tony could say he hadn’t known with complete certainty, but that was a lie. Saying he didn’t know why he’d been there in the first place was a lie as well.

 

Tony had always known the answer, perhaps had spent a lifetime knowing that answer. If Pepper was the ocean that made Steve...

 

That made Steve the sun. His sun. The one Tony had spent his entire life trying to build wings for. Ones that would let him get close enough to touch the surface of the untouchable.

 

If this was fate-- If this was the reincarnation of a broken soul who had the arrogance to defy nature in order to fly... If this was his destiny, then this was also wax melting.

 

This was falling.

 

Down. Down. Down.

 

He’d fallen back into the ocean, but did they know that after so many feet waves turned into concrete? Tales may say Icarus drowned, but Tony bet all his bones broke first. Tony guessed his heart stopped before the water had a chance to touch his lungs.

 

Tony couldn’t help but think drowning would be easier.

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello readers! I know, I know I said in the last chapter that I didn't know when I'd be able to update and no have updated within a month for the first time haha. I figured out a way to get the chapter from my broken computer, yay! This is a much lighter chapter than the past couple as a break from the heaviness, but one of my favorite ones. We've got a bit of Irondad thrown in there too! Thank you to [athletiger](https://archiveofourown.org/users/athletiger/profile) for betaing this chapter. Seriously without betas all of my chapters would have 90% less commas. Thanks again for reading. Thanks also for all the kudos and comments. I'm having a rough month and every single one of them brings a much needed smile to my face!
> 
>  
> 
> [tumblr](http://ofthelilies.tumblr.com/tagged/original%20work)

**September 20th, 2014**

 

Tony shifted on his knees in front of Steve running a hand down his left leg in a soft, fleeting touch.

 

He sighed heavily. “We’re agreed on bringing back the red and white?” Tony tried again for the third time to pin down Steve’s uncertainty. He had the projections of the uniform lined up against Steve’s body. He’d just made a couple alterations to the leg to tweak what Tony considered problem areas.

 

Steve pursed his bottom lip, glancing down at Tony. “You don’t think it’s too flashy?

 

Tony gathered up all the access patience he had. “I think we went past flashy with the shield’s paint job Cap. It’s iconic, not flashy.” Tony pushed himself up to his feet, giving Steve another walk around to observe the changes he had made thus far.

 

“And the extra padding on the arms won’t be bulky? I’m worried about restricted movement.”

 

“Ha, bulky. There won’t be any restricted movement. The padding is frankly necessary with your inability to keep your feet on the ground. You’re lucky I’m not adding more padding to your ass as well,” Tony muttered to himself while taking a look at the arm’s section of the uniform.

 

“You’re one to talk.”

 

“My suit is designed to fly. There is a reason my feet aren’t on the ground,” Tony said automatically, really paying more attention to the work involved in creating Steve’s uniform over their back and forth exchanges.

 

Steve was rolling his eyes at Tony. “I really do-”

 

“Appreciate it. I know.” Tony took a step back and eyed Steve’s form to see where needed his attention next. Steve had been locked into a parade rest for the past ten minutes. Tony felt his gaze being repeatedly drawn to the lines of Steve’s throat and shoulders rather than the ones of the uniform he was redesigning.

 

“Nothing wrong with a thank you Tony.”

 

“Agreed. Now, let’s talk about something else. Stretch your arms out please.”

 

Steve made a displeased noise as he complied. “Sure.” The silence that followed stretched longer than Steve was comfortable with. “Do you think anything is going on with-”

 

Tony had gone back to half kneeling at Steve’s side. His gaze flickered up quickly to Steve’s amused smile. “Nat and Bruce? Hopefully not. That would be a disaster. You can put your arms back down.”

 

“Why do you say that?” Steve questioned curiously.  

 

Tony moved the projected image of the uniform away from Steve’s body so he could get a closer look at everything he’d put together up until this point. Some measurements from Steve had been necessary, but there were a lot less distractions without the human form involved.  

 

He rattled off his thoughts on Natasha and Bruce, “They are alike in all the wrong ways. They’d hide away from the world together. Which, romantic, I guess? But not the best foundation for a relationship.” Tony would prefer to stay out of it entirely, but the sidelong glances were hard to miss. He couldn’t believe anyone could be more obvious about their attraction than those two.

 

“And a Tony Stark prediction is as good as gold,” Steve said dryly.

 

“I call it like I see it. I also predict you are going to encourage one of them like the big sap you are within the next year,” Tony said just as dryly. “Nat still trying to hook you up?” Tony couldn’t suppress the smirk that went along with that question, she was surprisingly invested in matchmaking for a cold blooded spy.

 

Steve groaned and put a hand to his head. “I think she’s given up hope. Rather... I hope she’s given up hope.”

 

Tony chortled and took a seat on a stool that also allowed him to lean into his workbench. “Why do I somehow doubt that? Hey, here’s an idea, let me have a go.” He wasn’t sure who he would start with when it came to setting up Steve, but he would definitely have more fun with it than Nat currently was.

 

As if sensing Tony’s malevolent intentions, “I’d rather spend all day learning texting acronyms.”

 

Tony laughed again and for all of Steve’s faults Tony didn’t have this much fun with anyone else on the team. Even half paying attention as he was, he couldn’t wipe the smile off his face. “At least it’s efficient.”

 

“It’s lazy.”

 

Tony hummed noncommittally. “So there’s been no one since the Ice?”

 

He barely caught Steve shrugging from the corner of his eyes. “No one special.” Only, he paused and ninety percent of Tony’s focus went to Steve Rogers. The one that was staring thoughtfully at a wall with more emotion than it deserved. Tony picked up his coffee mug and took a long draw from it.

 

“Who is it? Who did you just think of?” Tony pressed when he felt Steve had been left alone with his thoughts long enough.

 

“I don’t think she counts. Not by your standards at least.” Tony made a face at that. “She reminded me a lot of Peggy.” Steve had gone from easy going and lighthearted joking to radiating immense discomfort instantly. He shifted uneasily. “And I guess in the end that didn’t feel right.”

 

Tony’s fingers continued to fly over the schematics, but he couldn’t take his eyes off of Steve. Terribly awkward and uncomfortable Steve. “Why? We’re friends and you were friends with Howard after all,” he tried for a different angle.

 

Steve’s face scrunched together like he’d tasted something disgusting. “I wasn’t romantically interested in Howard, Tony.”

 

Tony threw back his head and laughed at the idea and Steve’s expression. “I’d hope not.”

 

“Also, you two are very different.” That cut off any laughter in its tracks. Tony leveled Steve with a sobered, confused expression.

 

“I don’t get that one a lot.”

 

If anything, Steve looked more uncomfortable than when Tony had first broached the subject of his love life. Tony knew better than to press like this. Steve got cagey when you talked about that or the past for too long. Now they were talking about a mixture of both. Still, every piece of new information he discovered felt like his first major scientific discovery.

 

“You don’t talk about him a lot,” Steve said and it was slightly off topic because Steve knew Tony’s avoided subjects just as well as Tony knew his. His steering it toward Tony’s avoidance of Howard was tactical, and Tony couldn’t let him get away with it too easily.

 

Tony shrugged like he didn’t care at all. That it didn’t matter that Steve was the first person who had known his father and hadn’t outlined all of their similarities and then the ways Tony was lacking. “You never talk about yours either. I mean never as in never. Not even in the passive aggressive way I bring up mine.”

 

Steve took a seat in the stool next to Tony. Had gone back to looking thoughtful rather than on guard. He surprised Tony by actually delving into it. “My father died in service, never got to know him. My mom was a nurse, died during a TB outbreak when I was young.”

 

“I’m sorry.” There weren’t any better words. Tony had known all of that of course, but hearing it from Steve was different. He didn’t look or sound emotionally affected, but Tony knew that those kind of feelings never went away. It just wormed its way deeper while you improved the mask you put with the pain.

 

Steve smiled instead. “No, it’s alright. I should talk about them more. If it wasn’t for my mom- I was a pretty sick kid. I’m sure you’ve seen my pre-serums files.”

 

Tony nodded slowly, taking another sip of coffee before placing the mug at the edge of his desk. He never was really sure where there conversations would turn to. He felt torn between finishing the suit and listening to Steve talk about the good ole’ days. Tony did his best to multitask between the two.

 

“It may not seem as bad now, with how far medicine has advanced. Back then all my health problems were as good as a death sentence. They didn’t expect me to make it a few months, let alone years.”

 

Tony snorted. “They didn’t know how stubborn you are obviously.”

 

Steve lightly shoved into his shoulder playfully. Tony looked down at his own arm with scrutiny. “It wasn’t really on me. I think I did everything possible to endanger my health, drove Ma and Bucky up the wall. I just got stuck in a mindset where any day could be my last, so I couldn’t let a day go by where I didn’t stand up for what I believe in. Do you know what I mean?”

 

Tony could understand parts of it. He was never one for the present though. His mental faculties had trouble slowing down enough to appreciate a moment. It was always in the future. To what was next. To what was bigger and had to be better than the current reality they lived in.

 

“I think so,” he answered instead. Tony could only say as much because it was at times like this he almost could. There was something so intense about having Steve’s full attention on you. To listen how earnestly he conversed that it was difficult to escape. To think of anything else. Tony could pretend for a moment that this was the only moment.

 

That in here lied forever.

 

He shook himself.

 

“But in the end I’ve always believed in building a better future than the present. I’ve tried living in the present, only got me into trouble.

 

Steve nodded, carefully considering each of Tony’s words. “I don’t know what I think about the future, but I believe in you. And if you think you can build a better future than I believe in that too.”

 

Tony had been reaching for the remnants of coffee when he knocked the mug right off the table. He blinked, turning to Steve. Steve stared back with a concerned smile. Tony flushed, realizing he’d dumped coffee all over the floor. “Dum-E can you please?” Tony ran his hand through his hair glancing back at Steve. His heart was pounding and he knew Steve could hear it and wasn’t that worse somehow? That Steve knew his secret. That someone like Steve believing in someone like Tony meant everything to him. That it could cause his brain to short circuit because he’d never thought of that as a possibility. It felt a little bit like someone handing you the world and that was ridiculous. “You wouldn’t believe the amount of money SI spends on coffee mugs,” Tony joked, looking back to his work hurriedly.

 

Steve said things like that. Empty words. They didn’t matter.

 

“I think I could.” Steve was trying not to laugh. Tony continued to be flustered while Dum-E whirred over to clean up the mess.

 

Only, Steve didn’t do empty words. No matter how cliched what came out of his mouth sounded, whatever Steve said he endorsed full heartedly. He was nothing like Tony who could come up with clever speeches that were designed to reach an end goal with perfect delivery. Steve didn’t have any goals goals when it was only the two of them down here in Tony’s lab talking where no one else could hear.

 

“I’m just about done with the suit if you want to take a look.” Tony said hurriedly pointing back to the projected image of it. Anything that would constitute as a distraction.

 

Steve Rogers was completely genuine when he said he believed in Tony Stark and Tony didn’t know how to cope with that kind of pressure. He only knew that it set his blood racing.

 

“It’s perfect.”

 

Tony ignored that Steve hadn’t glanced back at all, but was looking at him instead.

 

* * *

 

**Present Day**

 

Tony occasionally entertained the idea that if he lived in a completely different universe where he had any iris color than brown he wouldn’t have this problem. That the additional pigments were somehow the fault of why he never looked away when he should. That in a world with blue eyes, Tony would see Steve leaned up against his car and be able to walk right back into the Avengers facility without a single care in the world.

 

“You shouldn’t be here.” He’d also communicated as much on the goddamn flip phone when FRIDAY alerted him to Steve approaching the premises. He’d had about fifteen minutes to clear any personnel from the less used back entrance. It wasn’t that Tony didn’t trust the SHIELD employees not to leak any of this back to the state government it was just- It was exactly that. If his time with Natasha had taught him anything spies were generally biding their time for a chance to stab you in the back.

 

Steve was grinning in an infuriating fashion. “I’ve become a rebel in my old age,” he called back to Tony. His arms folded neatly over his chest, showcasing all of the muscular definition Tony shouldn’t be staring at.

 

It had been five days since he’d met with Steve last. Tony knew better than to ignore Steve for too long. He would always take matters into his own hands if given the time. Tony knew that, but with every questioning text and missed call to the ancient technological device Tony found it harder to respond.

 

Also, the last couple days had involved a lot of alcohol.

 

On the third day Rhodey had joined him wordlessly. There had been no berating, punching, telling Tony how stupid he was or any of the negative reactions he'd been expecting. Just his best friend drinking with him until Tony figured out a way to live with himself. They would talk about all about it in more detail. Later, Tony knew that, but for now having his friend there had felt like enough. This whole blocking-out-the-entire-world method never went particularly well for him: the current prime example being Steve in his driveway back dropped by a setting sun.

 

Maybe ignoring all of those phone calls was a poor plan, but Steve showing up like this wasn't a much better one.

 

“Funny, but incredibly reckless. It really works in our favor if the Secretary of State doesn’t know we are attempting to make backroom deals as conversing with you like this is currently very illegal. So I’m a little confused as to what you are doing here.”

 

“Oh so we are attempting to make illegal backroom deals? I couldn’t be sure.” He still looked too content for Tony’s liking.

 

Tony was just within Steve’s striking distance when he stopped. Cocked his head to take in Steve’s stress free positioning. Steve had something on him. Correction, something more than the other night. Tony huffed out a breath. “Why are you here?” Tony asked more quietly, feeling more like he should have cleared out the entire state instead of half the compound.

 

Steve wasn’t interested in any dramatic build up most of the time. He didn’t see the world as a stage where you needed to have the audience wrapped around your finger before introducing the astonishing heartbreak of act two. Steve paired words while he unfurled his hands to showcase an item that said it all more clearly. Any words were drowned out in a rush with Tony only able to take in the colors swirling around his head. Red like… curtains, stoplights, suits or blood.

 

He recognized the piece of cloth immediately because, after all, he made it.

 

“What did you do?” came out of his mouth. Halting on each word, dropping his voice to a menacing tone. Threatening and clenched teeth. Hand wound around the front of Steve’s shirt, pulling the stretchy material tighter. He didn’t know what he’d do if Steve had actually managed to hurt the kid, but he’d gotten close enough that the Spider-Man mask was wrapped around fingertips that were capable of ripping logs in half.

 

“If you- I’ll-”

 

If Peter was hurt what would he do? Don the suit and attempt to beat Steve into a bloody pulp? He’d travel to Africa this time and rethink every mistake that had led up to this moment? Even now he was making the mistake of trusting Steve to follow certain boundaries when he followed a completely different code than Tony did, one that allowed him to do whatever the fuck he wanted with his holier than thou brand of justification. Tony couldn’t believe the extent of this judgement of error he'd made. It had seemed like a good idea at the time.

 

His eyes had still been wildly searching with a brand of angered desperation he’d yet to experience. Steve’s eyes echoed more shocked pain and indignation than anything else. Tony wouldn’t be fooled. Steve’s jaw set. Tony curled his fist so every stitch of the fabric would be imprinted into his palm.

 

"Hey Mr. Stark!” The back of Steve’s car popped open and out hopped Peter Parker. His excited expression turning nervous when he took in Tony pushing Captain America against the car. The only thing noteworthy about the car itself were the tinted windows that hadn’t allowed him to see Peter in the back to begin with.

Tony let go of Steve who was gazing down at him with a carefully constructed blank expression. Only a flash of faked anguish and confusion before it had been wrapped under hard unreadable layers.  “Are you hurt kid?” Tony asked tiredly, skipping past relief and right into bone tired exhaustion. Teenagers were more than what Tony’s psyche felt he could handle at the moment.

 

“Of course not,” Steve put in harshly while sidestepping Tony. Any chipperness gone. He smoothed out the lines of his bright blue shirt, a callback to the colors Steve had preferred when they all lived in the tower together.

 

“I’m fine Mr. Stark. You don’t need to treat me like a kid, really.” Peter’s eyes ricocheted between the two of them, wide-eyed curiosity vibrating from every pore.

 

“The plan was not be seen Spider-Man, let alone get caught,” Tony said quietly, well aware that Steve could pick up every word. Secrecy hardly mattered at this junction.

 

“Sorry Mr. Stark. He snuck up on me.” Tony couldn’t imagine how Steve had snuck up on Peter who must have been slinging himself around different rooftops. Tony paused in his thought. Actually he could. He definitely could. It had probably not been when Peter was spying at all, but during reverse surveillance. After Steve had realize Spider-Man was keeping tabs on him, he’d waited until Peter had left, was less on his guard and caught him at another moment.

 

Tony should have seen this one coming.

 

“Oh what your spider senses didn’t-- What did you call it-  Tingle? By the way, we have to figure out a better word for that kid.”

 

Peter looked mildly put out. He kept glancing at Steve nervously, not because he’d been caught-- It was a long car ride upstate and a majority of nerves related to the initial capture had run their course--Tony bet the anxiety stemmed from the way Steve was drowning everyone else out in his increased brooding energy. It wasn’t at all helped by the scruffy beard. His mouth just drawn down into a frown that could set anyone on edge.

 

No one was being intimidated by Captain America, not on Tony’s watch. Tony braved himself to turn to Steve and dispel the hostility brought on by the clothes fisting portion of the evening. “And you, bringing him all the way to the Avenger’s facility? He has a curfew,” Tony muttered. “Aunt May is going to kill us.”

 

Peter looked pained at the idea of the impending doom that came along with breaking the terms of his grounding. That wouldn’t be a pretty conversation. Tony was sure to get another earful on top of it. A well deserved earful, but he couldn’t help but mimic Peter’s downcast face at his own near future.

 

“Aunt May?”

 

“His hot aunt,” Tony said at the same time as Peter called out, “My aunt.”

 

Both Peter and Steve glanced sharply at Tony. Peter struggling with an expression while Steve narrowed his eyes further. Tony shrugged, he called it like he saw it.

 

Time to get this over with now that Tony had well verified that Peter was in one piece. No telling what happened prior to the assistance of rapid healing, but his high spirits made Tony come to the conclusion of not much. If anything, the kid probably found this to be one whole exciting adventure. Meanwhile, Tony was still recovering from what felt like could be a mini cardiac episode.

 

“Go inside and find Happy. He’ll take you home. I’ll figure out how to smooth things over with your aunt,” Tony said shooing Peter away.

 

“Okay Mr. Stark! Thanks Mr. Stark. It was really great to see you again Captain Rogers!”

 

“See you later Peter.”

 

“You told him your name?” Tony managed slowly with further bewildered skepticism.

 

“Just my first name!” Peter shouted over his shoulder whilst sprinting across the lawn, less out of excitement and more to get away from the thrumming vein in Tony’s forehead.

 

“Yes, however will he narrow it down with your first name and face?” Tony called back shaking his head and rubbing his fist against his eye. “I don’t know what I was thinking.”

 

Steve managed a smile at that. He was quickly pushing past the blockade he’d thrown up. Settling back into his high-spirits and a far too comfortable posture for a place where he was unwanted. Tony preferred the Steve on his guard to the one with a small disarming smile on his face.

 

“How did you figure out he was tailing you?” Tony asked, sighing.

 

Peter shouted Happy’s name as he neared the building’s entrance. Tony grimaced and his hand went from carding through his hair to tugging at the strands.

 

“He’s not very subtle,” Steve deadpanned while watching Peter make his way into the Avenger’s facility. “Nice kid though.”

 

“I know he’s a nice kid,” Tony countered. Back to direct eye contact that had him wishing he knew how to look away. He needed to retrain his brain to be less destructive. To better understand every one of the dangers Steve represented. That he was susceptible to.

 

“Talks a lot.”

 

“What’s wrong with talking a lot?” Tony shot back. Less defensive and more spoiling for a pointless fight. Steve didn’t bring Peter all the way here just to say gotcha. That was an easy excuse and they were dancing around the real reason. Tony couldn’t tell yet if it was business, personal, or both.

 

“Nothing. I love it when you talk about technology I only half understand.”

 

Tony frowned. Not liking the confidence, slight lean inward or the downcast gaze from Steve. “Are you really flirting with me right now?”

 

Steve started laughing, either at Tony’s tone or the question itself. The sound cut off as abruptly as it had started. “No, if I was flirting with you I’d say your lip is healing nicely,” Steve’s voice had drifted down several octaves. The blue in his eyes heating even as they were eclipsed. “That I haven’t stopped thinking about that night and it drives me crazy when you don’t answer my calls.”

 

Tony turned his head away and stared at a distant tree. Concentrating hard on that while he got past the variety of emotions Steve expertly elicited. He took a few seconds to recollect himself. “I’m not doing this with you,” he breathed. “I’m not interested. The other night was a fluke. I’m engaged. Take your pick. Not doing this.” Maybe his last pick was currently a lie, but it would be weeks before the news got out and saying the word engaged did its job. Steve stiffened, his jaw clenching.  

 

“Of course not,” a flat inflection and a step back before Tony could breathe evenly again.

 

“Which brings us back to why you are here and I know it wasn’t to bring Peter over so you could rub your knowledge of him monitoring you in my face. So let’s skip past that.”

 

“It’s been days since we met. I need a decision.”

 

“What’s the difference between a day and a week for a man on the run? I don’t see any timer running Rogers.”

 

“What’s your answer Tony?” Steve’s arms were folded over his chest again, fingers digging into his own flesh instead of Tony’s. Which is how it should be. The domineering and threatening aura dripping from Steve like the arrogance Tony was constantly accused of. It was a perfect reminder of everything Tony hated about Steve and how he needed to be careful. Much more careful than he had been in the past week because Steve’s moods swung as easily as the weather. You thought you had your predictions down until a sunny day became thunderstorm. Tony was never braced for lightning at the right times.

 

Tony was back to looking at the trees, thinking on the best way to handle this. “Yeah. Fine. Let’s discuss the Accords. Bring your team and we can talk about everything that is wrong with your revision and how I can fix it.” Since that’s the only reason Steve was coming back to him really. To fix this for him. There was no telling how many lies crawled under every conversation they exchanged.

 

That was the truth, but when Steve offered him a smile at Tony’s compliance it was difficult to remember all of that. How many smiles would it take for Tony to completely forget himself? It wasn’t the first time he’d asked that question. He didn’t have the answer.

 

“I was afraid you would say no,” Steve admitted.

 

“I’m not that selfish.”

 

“You rarely are.”

 

“Contrary to popular belief, the fake flattery comes off as condescending. Try not to bring anymore kidnapped children to the facility Rogers. I’ll see you and your band of criminals at nine tomorrow morning.” Tony straightened out his suit. Steve tracked every movement wordlessly. He took the win much more gracefully than Tony would have. Appearing more solemn than anything else.

 

Tony turned and walked away before Steve would have a chance to. Whenever Tony saw Steve retreating from him it caused a panicked jumbled of flight or fight responses he hadn’t sorted out yet. It made him feel doused with ice water. Shaken with regret. Drained and desperate for just one more second of contact. All of these emotions he had names for, but wasn’t willing to label. He did stupid things when in the grips of turmoil and there were only so many stupid things Tony could do before there was no going back.

 

“I miss you.”

 

Tony ignored that sentence. He ignored every letter within every word of it.

  
  
  



	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my so so so patient readers,
> 
> It’s me! I’m sorry for the long time between posts and thank you for your patience as always. Explanation: It took me a month to write the Working out the Kinks fic for Stony loves Steve, my job is more hectic in the Summer, and the editing process for this went a little crazy. This was actually fully written a month ago, but I kept going back to change things and today I was like lilies, you’ve got to post it. Go post it. So it’s now being posted.
> 
> My biggest struggle with this chapter was the first part. I was a afraid of things getting too campy with the past section, but I also felt that it was important. I think Christmas and just the month of December has a certain influence on Tony's psyche that was worth exploring a little. I hope you all agree!
> 
> Thank you soooo much to [Hayluhalo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hayluhalo) and [LovelyIKnow](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LovelyIKnow) for taking the time to beta this chapter. I appreciate it so much! Thank you to the readers for reading and commenting. <3 Please enjoy.

**December 24th, 2014**

 

The holidays were an odd time for Tony.

 

If asked how he perceived Christmas and the conventions associated with this time of the year, he’d probably claim that it brought him comfort… But that wasn’t quite true. If he was being honest with himself, this one month of the year drove him to a point where he found himself constantly seeking comfort in the meaningless seasonal traditions and giving. Tony knew he could take up these ritualistic behaviors with an agitated frenzy that had his closest friends on edge.

 

Whether it actually yielded the comfort he wasn’t sure. Tony would like to say no, but if the answer were no what did he repeat the same patterns every year?

 

Tony told himself to focus on one thing. One thing to make it all seem a little better, but it all get scattered. He did like the lights. He loved how they could range from a pristine white to a brilliant red and green that would be considered gaudy in any other season. Suddenly, the room would be covered in them and then he found himself moving onto giving- Because how great a holiday this had to be when given the perfect excuse to buy things for the people he cared about. Maybe they didn’t need it -or even want it- but if it brought a smile to their faces Tony could consider it worth it...

 

And if it was worth it, if he focused on these things hard enough, he might be able to forget what the rest of the month meant. If he bought someone the perfect gift, he wouldn’t be forced to remember that this had been his mother’s favorite holiday too. That his father loved the season as much as her, and used it an excuses to throw party after party, but never on Christmas night. The twenty-fourth was for just the three of them. If he pushed enough colors and decorations around the room, maybe he could block out their permanent silhouettes and figure out a new ending to their goodbye.

 

Which is to say, Tony doused every inch of the Avengers Tower in Christmas decorations. 

 

The team handled the explosion of decor with different degrees of enthusiasm. Truth be told, the only one on board with it was Thor. Steve had been away for about a week until yesterday night, on a solo investigation in hopes that his research would lead him to an assignment they could all work on as a team. Steve had been leaving on a lot of assignments lately and had missed most of the colorful transformation the Tower had taken on over the weeks. He was like a dog with a bone. There was nothing slowing him down and Tony felt guilty for every second he’d taken away from his research to hang up silly decorations. 

 

It took a few days to realize the extreme extent said decorations had taken on this year, he wasn’t sure Steve would be too happy about the makeover. The nerves were setting in heavier than he could pretend away.

 

It all made it rather anticlimactic when Steve had finally walked in last night,  taken a quick, bleary glance around the room before walking back out. The blank expression not at all informative. It was needless to say that that wasn’t the kind of reaction Tony was hoping for. Steve didn’t turn up at all the next morning. Tony took to pacing the living room when it hit afternoon. He poorly distracted himself into the evening. When Steve came striding onto the floor, he looked much more rested than he had the evening before.

 

Steve looked around the room again, gaze lingering on Tony who had stopped in the middle of a new pacing session. Tony had almost forgotten that it had been a little while since they had last seen each other. Both men took their time, carefully taking in the appearances of the other. Steve looked good tonight. Then again, he always looked good. The shirt-jacket combination, that would have been edgy if it weren’t for the soft lighting and Steve’s ever softer expression, almost made Tony believe that Steve dressed up just for him tonight.

 

The silence stretched out between them.

 

Steve cocked his head to the side, breaking away first, in order to get a better look of the rest of the room. “I like what you’ve done with the place.”

 

“Really?” Tony walked over to the couch right in front of the looming tree he’d placed in the middle of the room. He sat down, affecting an air of nonchalance while breaking eye contact in a hurry.

 

“I was too tired last night to really take it all in.” Steve was beating back his smile, going for mock seriousness. “A little overkill never hurt anyone, you know.”

 

Tony groaned. “I really went over the top this time, didn’t I?” He felt the need to explain the winking reindeer piece Steve was currently studying with fascination. He couldn’t remember why he’d bought it, but it seemed like a good idea at the time.

 

“Nah.” Steve was quickly losing his battle, lips curling up at the ends.

 

That earned Steve a loud snort from Tony. “Last year was a little worse than usual. Felt the need to make up for it.”

 

“A terrorist is ‘a little worse than usual’ for you?”

 

Tony  _ could _ go into it. He could tell Steve how every year felt like this deep void he needed to fill. How he surrounded himself with things to feel less alone. How, Rhodey's best efforts, he still felt lonely. How, even if he enjoyed being with Rhodey's family, he couldn't help feeling like an intruder, like he was enjoying a holiday that wasn't his to celebrate. He could tell Steve how every year felt more despairing than the last and how he thought it would be different when he started dating  Pepper. How distressed he was when it wasn’t. When it was as lonely and as gut wrenching as ever. 

 

A silence stretched between the two of them while Steve waited for a response, but Tony had already decided to ignore the question. Last year had almost been a nice distraction compared to all of the years since his parents deaths and he wasn’t about to admit that out loud.

Steve took him in for a couple more beats before glancing away. 

 

“I do like it Tony,” Steve settled on, trying to initiate the conversation again. “We didn’t uh-” Steve shifted his feet, carefully choosing his words while Tony narrowed his eyes. “We didn’t have a lot of money growing up, but we always managed to get a tree. Make our own decorations. Bucky would help, his were god awful.” Steve laughed. “So I like it like this, warm and colorful.”

 

Tony sighed and pushed himself up to his feet. He must be in a pathetic state if Steve was placating him. It had gotten late. Late enough that the others currently taking residence in the Tower had gone to bed. The only lights in the room came from the tree he’d imbued too much meaning into. “We should do that. For next year.”

 

He tried to imagine Steve hunched over a table with scissors, glue and sparkles, putting together handmade ornaments. He struggled with the image, but found it heartwarming all the same. Steve was certainly artistically talented. Sometimes Tony would catch him doing these hilarious little doodles that looked like they could belong to a comic strip in the New York Times, other times Steve would draw these scenes that perfectly brought in every detail of the architecture it was meant to capture.

 

“Do you think we will all still be here next year?”

 

Tony flinched away at the question. Only gathering the words to respond because of the way Steve’s eyebrows scrunched together. “I think -as sad as it may be- a year from now, the world will still need a team like ours. Even if it didn’t, you are always welcome in any place of mine. Anywhere, anytime. Do you want a drink? I need a drink.”

 

Of course Steve would be here and if not here the new Avengers Facility in the works. No matter where, he’d be alive. Solid. There. If they weren’t on the same continent Tony would come running at a single phone call. He’d make sure they were together for enough of next year to make those hand crafted ornaments. 

 

Tony ambled over to the kitchen before he could catch whatever expression Steve would have on his face now. “I’m good.” Steve couldn’t get drunk, but Tony had seen him drinking when societal pressures demanded it. Tony’s fingers itched for something to ease the growing tension of what else was on his mind. He didn’t want be like  this in front of another Avenger. They’d spot his- Tony didn’t know what to call it. More importantly, he wasn’t willing to label the emotion.

 

“Before the celebrations begin I have something to give you,” Steve said, cutting off exactly where Tony’s thoughts had been going, but still surprising him. He almost tripped forward.

 

“Something to give me?” Tony incredulously.

 

“A present,” Steve clarified, as if it needed clarification. 

 

“A present,” Tony echoed back. In the gift department, it had taken only a few birthdays and christmases as an adult to realize it was much better to just post his charity of choice across social media and let that be it. The past showed people and presents fell into two categories for him. Extremely expensive and useless… or well, the latter involved a lot less clothing.

 

Tony made sure to look anywhere else but at Steve. “Actually, I got you something too. In fact, I got something for everybody,” he said, adding the last part on a whim. Not really sure why he needed the distinction there.

 

“That sounds like you.” Tony got the feeling of being off kilter when Steve pulled a package out from under the tree. Unlike the other presents, this one didn’t have a tag, explaining why Tony had missed it in his earlier inspection. The wrapping was a glinting red that was such an obvious tie back to Tony, that he wondered how he’d not noticed it immediately.

 

He peeled away the crinkling paper slowly. “How did the mission go Cap?”

 

“Not as fruitful as we’d have hoped. I’ll go over it with the whole team tomorrow.” Tony peeked up at Steve. His voice had held steady, but there was an undercurrent to it. Impatience. Tony smirked, taking off the wrapping even more leisurely than before.

 

Steve shifted minutely. “A brown box, you shouldn’t have Steve.”

 

“Tony.”

 

Tony laughed while opening the small box. He hadn’t known what to expect given the size of it. His mind had possibly went to a watch, but the container was slightly too big for that. He also couldn’t imagine Steve shopping around for watches when he’d made sarcastic commentary on Tony’s collection before.

 

Tony turned over the object slowly in his hands. The red, yellow and black color pairing a nice touch to what may have been an otherwise ordinary coffee mug. “Did you paint this?” He asked smiling slightly at the little cat design. The color blocking and shapes were simpler than Steve’s usual style, but much more in line with Tony’s aesthetic. 

 

“Yes and I made it with Bruce’s help.”

 

“You needed Bruce’s help for pottery?” Tony tried to imagine the two of them over a kiln, discussing the steps to creating a coffee mug. His smile grew wider at the imagery. Steve would be completely serious and astute about every step.

 

“No. No, let me start from the beginning,” Steve said laughing past his embarrassment and the red making its way to his face. “Bruce helped me create a material that wouldn’t break quite as easily under your clumsiness. The list of everything we used is at the bottom of the box.”

 

“Clumsy?” Tony could recall, months ago joking with Steve about spending much of SI’s budget on coffee mugs. He could feel his face turning equally red. Admittedly, a lot broke in his lab, but he hadn’t expected Steve to do anything about it. 

 

“Apparently coming up with something that strong, but also won’t give you some kind of heavy metal poisoning takes a couple tries.” Tony was partially tuning Steve out as he looked at Bruce’s handwritten notes. He wasn’t an engineer and Tony may have done a few things differently himself, but the coffee mug could potentially withstand a lot of direct pressure. Not a repulsor blast, but a lot.

 

Tony wasn’t sure what to do about the emotions scratching their way up his throat. He didn’t know why this mattered. He had lots of coffee mugs and they weren’t actually eating away at any budget. Staring at what he knew to be a hand painted Steve Rogers creation, knowing the time and thought put into it, had him a little breathless. A little emotional.

 

He dropped the mug.

 

“That’s interesting,” Tony murmured, picking it up and inspecting it for damage. There wasn’t any.

 

“I didn’t mean for you to purposefully break it,” Steve commented dryly.

 

“I like it. Thank you,” Tony looked up and smiled as genuinely as he could to try and convey it in a look. More words felt like too much. Putting them officially into existence made him uneasy. He smiled instead and pushed every feeling he had about Steve into it.

 

Steve perplexed him by quickly breaking eye contact.

 

Tony whooshed out his next breath, searching for a distraction. “The one with the American Flag wrapping is yours.” Steve made an amused sound. Tony instantly regretted choosing that as his distraction because it was likely to make his situation worse. What to call the situation still escaped him, but his heart was pounding in what felt like the beginning of a panic attack. “Or you can open it tomorrow.” Alone, when Tony wasn’t around to see his reaction.

 

Steve was already headed over there, picking it up like it weighed nothing. He ignored Tony, pulling away wrapper with quick efficiency. He rotated the wooden box around in his hand speculatively.

 

Tony’s nervousness got the better of him when Steve opened the box. “It may seem like a lot, but really I had Happy do all of the leg work.” He continued on as Steve riffled through the papers and photographs. “One of them even lives in the city. Principal of a school. It wasn’t anything.” It doesn’t mean anything.

 

Tony had gone and tracked down every living relative of the Howling Commandos. It had taken him months to get into contact with all of them. He’d gotten pictures of the Howling Commandos themselves and their descendants. Each member had written a letter to Steve. It was all in there. Tony hadn’t read through every letter, but some were of funny stories the Commandos had told their children about Steve, others were about how well their father or grandfathers had gotten on after the war, some rambled on about nothing at all… The only thing they really had in common was how thankful they were for Steve and Steve’s indirect impact on their lives.

 

Steve’s face was difficult to read. His eyes hurrying over words and images faster than he could possibly read them.

 

“I’m sorry,” Tony said instead. “I don’t know what I was thinking-”

 

Steve held up his hand to Tony, cutting off wherever he had been going in that quick backtrack. “Is this you?” Tony hadn’t written out anything, it felt too mushy on top of everything else, but he’d slid in a picture of a halloween he couldn’t even really remember. One where he’d worn a Captain America costume and a big grin that showed off a couple missing teeth.

 

“I know Howard wasn’t part of the- Yeah, yeah that’s me,” Tony said getting it out there and regretting this entire exercise in friendship. When he thought about Steve and what to get him, Tony thought about Steve’s nearly empty apartment and how he wouldn’t appreciate the materialistic. What Steve wanted was to go back in time and Tony figured working out the mechanics of time travel would be a bit much, so he’d gone as close to that as he could think of.

 

“I didn’t want to make you upset.” Maybe upset was the wrong word for the intense bright blue emanating down on a photo he wished he’d burned. Burning it may not feel better than this, but it would be clear, concise. Tony could understand what burning a memory away meant better than what Steve’s expression did. 

 

“I don’t deserve a friend like you.”

 

Tony didn’t get a chance to respond to that blasphemous statement. Steve’s arms were wrapped tightly around him, pulling him into this tight embrace that the rest of the team would mock them over if they ever saw. His arms were unmoveable, while Tony held his stiff at his side. The discomfort over the sudden meaningful contact was immediate and immense. Steve didn’t let go right away. Tony breathed him in and expected something other than the scent of clean cotton, but it was just that. Normal. Mundane. This could have been like any other night.

 

He inhaled again.

 

There was something like sorrow churning in his gut at Steve’s statement. He didn’t know if it was because he wasn’t a good friend, not to anyone and certainly not to Steve. That there was something nearly sacrilegious about Steve saying he didn’t deserve him, when Tony had built himself up to be able to feel like his equal. That it was really the opposite. Or… If it was that word? Friend. It felt wrong, foreign. Like he’d said it so many times that it had lost all meaning and morphed itself into something new.

 

It could have been that he stared up at Steve and hugged him back. He looked at those eyes, that had been haunting him since his childhood and knew this had gone past the start of a panic attack. He was in the midst of one right there next to a stupid tree and tacky winking reindeer decoration. Tony could barely catch his breath and his heart was a few steps downward from a cardiac episode.

 

He knew one thing with absolute certainty.

 

This wasn’t heading anywhere good.

  
  


**Present Day**

 

Tony has found himself both lost, hurt and facing the possibility of death on both sides of the extreme weather spectrum. Heat had it’s way of sapping your body of all its strength, drawing it out of you. Hollowing you. Every breath dry, skin cracking under the beat of the sun. You’d crumble from the outside in. The cold was much more invasive. Not so much in what it took, but what it put into you. You could feel your body directing its blood inward, discarding pieces of itself to uphold what it determined it needed most. Destroying itself while calling it protection.

 

Neither of those feelings hold a candle to how his body reacts when Steve Rogers walked into a room.

 

He’d like to believe that even without FRIDAY’s warning, he’d have known it was Steve that caused the doors of his labs to rush open. Tony made sure not to acknowledge Steve, in his lab, arriving at the facility over an hour early. Playing make believe into oblivion, even as a mixture of fire and ice churned it’s way inside. There had been a time when  he’d let Steve take whatever he wanted from Tony, and shove what he thought Tony needed back in. Tony thought maybe he was a fool for making that past tense. For letting Steve into his domain again at all.

 

Tony could hear him walking around the room as he worked. There was something awfully nostalgic about it. He’d changed the room’s layout since Steve had been here last, but having him there was familiar. Steve used to lie out across the couch and talk about how Wanda and Vision’s field training was going. He’d discuss strategy and sometimes wait half an hour to get a reply from Tony because he acted like he valued his opinion that much. That it was worth waiting for. When Tony would break  out of his reverie to realize he’d been asked a question, Steve would always look back at him affectionately.

 

“Did you just ask me something?” Tony asked, taking himself away from his project with a sigh. He’d done his best to tune Steve’s presence out, but a murmur had caught his attention. Just like old times.

 

“Nothing important shellhead.” Tony could hear his own internal clock ticking away. Each second passing by, creating more of a sense of foreboding. This, here, may feel like old times, but Steve was no longer waiting for his opinion. He was waiting for an opportunity. 

 

“I like what you’ve done with the place.”

 

Tony grunted and didn’t bother turning his head to see an affectionate smile. It would drive him toward some homicidal tendencies he wasn’t willing to explore today. “You’re here early Cap- or whatever you are going by now.”

 

“Nomad.” That got Tony away from his project. He nearly snorted when he realized Steve was being serious. Nomad, interesting. He’d like to believe that superhero names were just that, names, like Steve or Tony. They didn’t mean much by themselves, but that wasn’t quite true. These things that the world called them represented something. An ideal they were chasing or one they had already achieved.

 

Iron Man. Protective. Capable of being molded into a weapon or an armor. Strong. Reliable. Constant. Underneath it all, human, and a paradox for such a weakness. It made sense in a roundabout way, even if the name had only come from a civilian mistaking that as the material of  his armor.

 

Tony had never given much thought to Captain America though. All of the connotations connected to it were glaringly obvious from Tony’s perspective. Nomad had complexities he found his mind wandering over. 

 

“Nomad?” He questioned as innocuously as possible. Steve had certainly taken in some of his penchant for the dramatics.

 

“Yes.” Steve was already appearing just shy of a glower and it was before eight. They had time for a real Captain America worthy stare down. His arms folded across his chest in that classic appearance of disapproval. Tony had a mixed relationship with that stance.

 

“Really?” Tony couldn’t care if he was behaving offensively. Nothing was off limits. Not anymore.

 

“Yes, Tony.”

 

Tony nodded, paving over his face more seriously. “Have you tried testing that out in a focus group?”

 

“This is what you want to talk about?” Steve was shaking his head. 

 

“I’m not calling you that,” Tony said and meant as much. Nomad felt cold, lonely, sad. Homeless. Lost.  Steve didn’t get to lay claim to any of that when he’d chosen this path. He’d walked away from a place he called home for his so called beliefs.

 

“I didn’t ask you to.”

 

“I’ll stick with Cap, but with a stronger sense of irony.” He pushed away from his desk. Since Steve was starting earlier than he’d planned, Tony would need to hurry through getting ready. He hadn’t slept last night. Spent it all down in the lab trying to work out the problems in his new armor idea. There were numerous.

 

“What are you working on down here?” Steve asked after a few moment had gone by. Tony was wiping sweat, grime and any additional substances from his face.

 

“Secret. Playing around with names. Bleeding heart. Bloody edge. We’ll see.”

 

Tony moved closer to where Steve stood, nearly across the room. Rigid posturing, eyes tracking every one of his movements, drinking him in. Steve had once said Tony was more alive in his lab, more himself here than anywhere else in the world. That he could spend hours down here watching Tony work like part of the machinery he perfectly crafted. Tony hadn’t turned so red since his first semester of college.

 

“What does it do?” Steve questioned knowing Tony wouldn’t give him a straight answer.

 

“Oh you know, this and that.” Tony grinned mischievously.

 

“I’m not going to like what it does am I?” Like it? Tony wasn’t sure Steve exactly liked any of his armor and what they did. He however appreciated them, what they were capable of and what they could do for him. Steve would appreciate this. The leaps in science it presented would be unmatched for decades to come, make his last suits look like a windup toy. He’d understand enough to understand that Tony had created a legacy that may even surpass the arc reactor that powered it.

 

“Don’t worry about it. It’ll take me months on months to finish the technology required for this one.”

 

“I always worry about you.” Worried for him? About what he would do? How he would harm the planet next? About the him in an us that shouldn’t exist? Always difficult to tell with Steve.

 

“I’m touched, but I need to change before our meeting.” He indicated the door that Steve should promptly exit out of. He didn’t move.

 

“I don’t mind if you change in front of me,” Steve said with that annoyingly innocent yet simultaneously mischievous smirk. Tony took in a breath slowly before pushing it back out. Steve was flirting and that was fine. He’d had hundreds of thousands of people flirt with him. Ones much more skilled and experienced at it than Steve was… but that’s also part of the charm. 

 

“I’ll see you and the team in a few.” Tony dismissed Steve by walking into the adjoining bathroom. He locked the door behind him and instructed FRIDAY to use any and all weaponry she deemed necessary if Steve tried to come in here. He did keep a small selection of attire here for when he needed to rush into a meeting and didn’t want to race to his quarters to get ready for it. Tony took more time than he should have stripping off the smudged shirt and worn jeans. More time showering, fixing his hair. He made himself look impeccable, unbreakable. Untouchable.

 

When he walked into the hallways adjoining the conference it was only Steve and Rhodey standing there. Rhodey with his barely thinned veil of dislike toward the man he was talking to. He’d never gone into the exact details of Siberia with Rhodey, but Rhodes had gathered enough from Tony’s face when he’d returned to get a pretty good picture of it. Enough of a picture that there was hostility radiating in steady waves, but not over his fall. He continued to not  blame Steve for that.

 

“Cap. Rhodey,” Tony said with an easy going wave. He felt better prepared now that they were back on his terms. “Where’s the rest of the team?”

 

“I thought it was best if we had the preliminary meeting with just the two of us.”

 

Tony stopped short. So much for his way.

 

He ran the threads of their possible conversation through his head. Yeah, this wouldn’t go great. The question was would it go better than with him and Rhodey being teamed up on by Steve and his crew of bleating sheep? Tony couldn’t be sure, Natasha was generally sensible. Clint would likely skip the meeting in lieu of retirement, not up for any team meetups anytime soon. Sam would be a lost cause. Wanda probably wouldn’t be invited for age related bias, on the off chance she was, it could be unpredictable. The ant thing was a big blob of a question mark. Steve knew better than to bring the cyborg into the same room as him if he wanted everyone to make it out relatively unscathed. He’d run these calculations before, always expecting the math to change.

 

Tony ground his teeth together. Conclusion, the two of them meeting may be less chaotic, but there was a higher risk of becoming emotionally volatile. Them being alone together allowed for more in depth conversations and things not going too off track in multi-person squabbles. Once they got past reading through the Accords  and both sides proposed changes, they could potentially reach an amicable conclusion faster than if the rest of the team was there.

 

“If that’s okay?” There was a challenge in those words that Tony couldn’t help but go after. They’d built their relationship up on small spoken and unspoken challenges. Steve knew exactly how to get him to that point where he’d say yes to anything if saying no meant backing down.

 

“Definitely okay,” Tony agreed automatically, trampling down his aggravation at Steve not being able to listen to a word of his instructions yesterday. He came early and alone. He flirted. He looked like that and there were repercussions to looking. The worst of them being his own moral compass.

 

“That sounds like a horrible idea,” Rhodey immediately interjected glancing between the two of them. Tony and Steve had both settled into a stubborn determined exchange, Tony had basically phased Rhodey out until then. “You two both realize how horrible an idea that is?”

 

“I’ll be fine.” Tony thought ‘I thought it was best’ might as well be Steve’s catchphrase. He strode toward the conference room, building up a strategy that he hoped would rival Steve’s own. Rhodey gently grabbed Tony by the shoulder to halt his progress.

 

“We need a sidebar. Now. Captain, you go in and try to pretend you can’t overhear.”

 

“It’s actually Nomad now Rhodey,” Tony couldn’t help but interject.

 

Rhodey started laughing, thinking it was a joke. Tony quickly shook his head. “Oh-”

 

Steve huffed out his next breath. “I look forward to catching up with you later, Lieutenant,” he said walking into the room without a second glance back at the two of them. His ability to maintain composure past his annoyance could be seen as amicable if it weren’t so amusing.

 

“I don’t feel good about this Tony.”

 

“What’s not to feel good about? We’ll either be exactly where we started or actually have some type of agreement concerning the accords. There’s only things to be gained here,” Tony spilled out his inner rhetoric while leaning against the wall. If he repeated that to himself enough times, he’d actually believe it one day surely.  What he really wanted was his private jet on the tarmac, heading to somewhere he could drown out his feelings with glasses upon glasses of alcohol.

 

“You came back from a meeting with him earlier this week a mess and covered in injuries. You come back from a rendezvous  with him months ago looking like the arctic decided to take a bite out of you. I have a lot of reasons not to feel good.”

 

“If anything goes wrong FRIDAY will be sending out alarms throughout the facility Rhodey. He’s Captain America. Was- Whatever. Can people just stick with one name? What do you think is going to happen?”

 

Rhodey didn’t say anything immediately. “I don’t know, but something doesn’t feel right between the two of you. I don’t know what’s happening but you can talk to me. I wouldn’t- I’ll always be there for you.”

 

Tony brushed his hands over his face raggedly. Wondering what Rhodey must see when the two of them interacted. How much he suspected compared to how much he knew. “You’ve gotta trust me here.”

 

“That’s really comforting. The last time you told me that you were slowly dying from palladium poisoning, Tony. I somehow think this might be worse.”

 

The door to the conference room seemed a lot less welcoming with each passing second. He could see Steve sitting there, arms on the table. Tony had laid multiples copies of the original Accords, Steve’s revised version, and his own revised version across the surface. Rhodey could walk in there with him, they could tag team Steve and maybe that would be easier.

 

Tony had let go of easy a long time ago.

 

He faced Rhodey with new resolve. “I’ve got this.” He pressed his hand into Rhodey’s shoulder in a movement to convey reassurance.

 

“Tony-” Rhodey broke off into a sigh. “Call me if you need me. I mean it.” The words seemed to be regretfully dragged out of his friend’s mouth. He could feel Rhodey watching him as he walked in. He had FRIDAY tint out the glass door and any windows. You’d only be able to see shadows of movement from the outside now.

 

“Let’s do this Cap,” Tony said settling down in a seat across from him. “We’ll start with section A part two.” Steve looked at him with approval, and for only a millisecond Tony though this may not  be so bad.

 

The first day proved him correct. It wasn’t so bad. In the way that overly polite conversation, tense smiles, and getting absolutely nowhere was not so bad. They became so concerned with not fighting that they settled into this land of neither agreeing or disagreeing with sentiments they had stronger opinions on. Tony felt awkward. Steve took every break to lean in too close. By the time it was dark, Steve was gone and Tony felt all the sicker for it.

 

Day two was tense. Three times, Steve snapped but immediately reels it back in. He apologizes and it’s fake. It’s always fake, but Tony takes it because it’s better than anything Steve has ever written across paper. Tony can’t resist the growing number of sarcastic comments, the baiting. The anticipation of Steve going after it, despite the obviousness of it all.

 

Day three… Day three went a little like this.

 

“It’s easier to corrupt than to maintain. You should know that better than anyone.” Steve wore his most intimidating persona. Words low and grated as he dragged his voice over each of them. They lashed through the room whereas Tony’s eased in. His words tight as they verberated with a more quiet and dignant anger.

 

“You’re correct, it is definitely easier to corrupt a system and maintaining one requires a level of accountability you don’t want present in the Avengers. For reasons I still don’t completely understand.” Tony can’t remember who tricked who into falling into this pit they’d created years ago. Time had allowed them to get better at avoiding it, but they were back. In the dirt. Each sentence more mud sliding down their bodies. Tony barely being able to think about anything else, but making Steve stop talking stupidity. Keep talking because if he stopped Tony wasn’t sure what he’d do.

 

“The only one on our team that has ever required accountability is you.” Steve had gone a little flushed. Body continually wound up from their lengthening arguments. Tony was trying to appear more relaxed and failing spectacularly. He was nearly across the table at Steve’s throat at that comment.

 

Tony laughed dryly. “Do you honestly think I’m going to be the only person to screw up on that magnitude if given the chance? What right do you have to judge yourself above error? You have no objectivity, just your own stubborn perspective. It’s not always going to be right, but you are right about one thing. I do know better than anyone else. We need more opinions than our own when it comes to decisions affecting the entire world.”

 

“A council of politicians isn’t-” 

 

“Then who is? You? You were chosen by a group of scientists to receive the serum. Hardly qualifications for this, Cap. That doesn’t make you above others. That doesn’t give you the right to make decisions that have the potential of wiping out entire civilizations. We weren’t voted into this by those people. If Captain America doesn’t support the ideals behind democracy, then who will?”

 

Tony wonders if they’d had it out- truly had it out verbally like this before Steve had walked away, if they could have avoided what happened next. As bad as this was. As much as some of the words hurt. As much as having his mistakes waved in front of his face felt excruciating. He could take this. This he knew, he waved them in front of his own face every day. He’d gladly do this every day than the civil war that follow their last disagreement.  

 

“You’re being idealistic and putting the lives of other people in incapable hands. If we have the ability to stop people from dying than we are the ones that should get to decide the situations they need to be used in. We are the only ones qualified to make those decisions. Those people sitting in their offices halfway around the world aren’t the ones pulling the trigger. Aren’t the ones that are forced to stand by the sideline watching people die when they know they could do something to change it.”

 

“Might doesn’t make right Rogers, just because you have the capabilities doesn’t mean they need to be used in any given situation.  It doesn’t mean you are the best option, that you know what the best option is. People should get to know the risks and decide for themselves. As stupid as some of them may be, they aren’t brainless and it’s their lives. What is a life if you have your ability to choose robbed from you?”

 

“Don’t make me out to be a dictator Stark. I believe in people’s right to choose just as much as I believe I have my own right to choose. Just like you, I’m a human before I’m a weapon. I will not have a council of strangers with their own hidden objectives ordering my team around to do their bidding. We saw how that went with SHIELD. An organization that the two best people I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing founded- do you really think the United Nations is above infiltration, if it hasn’t been already?”

 

Tony groaned. Trying to ignore the way Steve’s chest punched in and out with his lungs. It was distracting in a way he didn’t want to understand. This had to de-escalate at some point.  “How many times can we circle around the same conversation? There needs to be a balance. Neither one can have all of the control. Too much control is a recipe for disaster; you have to see that much.”

 

“I think we are looking at two very different pictures.”

 

Tony attempted to soften his voice, take it away from hostility and back into a conversation. Getting out the tension felt good, but it needed direction. “The section we are talking about isn’t even a big deal in the scheme of things. You know that. You need to give a little to get a lot here Cap. Concessions need to be made if this is going to work.”

 

Steve said nothing. Tight lipped and frustrated. Eyes bearing down into Tony and causing him to break out into a sweat. Tony pushed back his hair in an unsettled gesture. When had they last sat together for so long? When had Steve last had his undivided attention for this long?

 

“I need a break.” Tony uncapped the bottle of water and took a swig from it. “Let’s talk about something else.”

 

“Alright,” Steve agreed, sliding back into his chair. It was like watching a cobra unwind from its striking position. Tony should have felt more relieved, he didn’t.  “What do you want to talk about?”

 

“Something less stress inducing,” Tony respond, closing his eyes to block out the ceiling. He tried to remember even further back to a time when the two of them were friends. Where being alone together was calming, rather than a looming presence of impending bloodshed.

 

“Let’s talk about us.”

 

Tony opened his eyelids back up slowly, the patterns of the ceiling nausea inducing. He’d known this had been coming. Days, weeks, months in the making, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t try to put it off a little longer. “I said less stress inducing. Not something that will have my doctor worrying about my blood pressure.”

 

“Is your doctor worried about your blood pressure?” Steve asked out of concern.

 

“No, Steve,” Tony imbued as much exasperation as he could into those two words.  

 

Steve hummed back. “We’re going to have to talk about this at some point. Preferably before we all move back in here.”

 

Tony couldn’t have gone more still if he’d been attempting it. The urge to vomit only increased tenfold.  “No, we’re not talking about this. I change my mind. Let’s talk about the Accords again. What section are we on? Really the problem is we need a better checks and balances system. A majority of the Accords is about keeping us in check, we need a way to void out the council in the case there is a situation where it has been infiltrated. The problem is it needs to be situational enough that we can’t abuse it. I have a few suggestions.”

 

“We’ve spent years dancing around this. Aren’t you tired of it? I’m tired of it Tony and I’m tired of not having you around.”

 

Tony started fiddling with his highlighter, turning it over in his hand. “I think you read more into this ‘it’ than I ever did,” he lied. He’d been lying to himself about this for so long that it came naturally. Fell over his skin as perfectly as one of his suits did.

 

Steve had that disgusted expression on his face that made Tony want to curl up into himself. “Don’t do that.”

 

“Then don’t make me out to be the villain here.” Tony couldn’t help himself. He’d been thinking about it for too long now. “How’s Sharon?” The question slipped out of his mouth. Versions of it had been curled on the tip of his tongue since the garage. Steve hadn’t been the only one in wait of an opportunity.

 

“I don’t know. I haven’t seen her in months. I kissed someone else, I didn’t propose to them.” The shame Steve had been wanting to elicit was instant. Drowning. Tony wasn’t going to point out that the engagement was done with.  It probably worked more in his favor if Steve continued to think that. Another deterrent that kept him from completely swallowing up Tony’s life. 

 

Tony drummed his fingers against the table impatiently. The mixed emotions going through him needed to be tabled for another time. When Steve didn’t seem a moment from snapping. What would happen when he did snap was unclear, but Tony didn’t want to see what lay under all of the murk. “It’s not ‘someone else’ if we aren’t together,” Tony called back over the table tiredly. 

 

“What would you call it?”

 

“What would I call it then, or what would I call it now?” Tony asked. “Because right now, I’m calling it a mistake.”

 

“Then,” Steve ground out.

 

“I don’t know. A weird work wife dynamic? I thought it was- I didn’t think it would get to this point.” That was honesty. If Tony had known all the way back then that he would be here now he’d have… Tony wanted to say change the course of their friendship. Change the course of the team. Change it all to make this right, better, but that wasn’t true. He’d change a lot of things but Steve had needed him back then and Tony couldn’t take himself away from that. Tony had needed him too.

 

“It was a what dynamic?” Steve drew it out slowly, threateningly, Captain America like even if he’d had that name taken from him. They had a way of etching themselves into Tony’s bones. He went back to tracing the patterns of the ceiling with his eyes, anything but looking at Steve.

 

“You know, casual flirting that doesn’t actually mean anything or lead anywhere. In this instance, it happens at work with coworkers.”

 

“No, I don’t know. Do you believe yourself when you say that kind of bullshit? Is that even really a thing?” Steve was rightly infuriated. It had been a term Tony had played around with in his head after Ultron. To make spending time with Steve still okay.

 

“Language,” he said instead.

 

Steve didn’t respond immediately. Eyes digging into Tony until Tony’s made contact again. Those blue eyes that had gone dark with a mixture of angry, hurt emotions. They followed Tony. They always followed Tony. Down his face. To his mouth. His neck. To his tailored suit. They could both hear Steve exhale.

 

“How’s this for language. If you say anything like that again I’m going to fuck you right through the table. Does that work for language?”

 

Tony blinked. Paused. Licked his lips. Smirked.

 

It’s strange that Tony didn’t even feel the shift. Going from obstinate to possesed in a blink of an eye. It was over before he’d even been aware it had begun.

 

“Not bad. Really going for that bad boy image aren’t you? It’s working for you, seriously. Let me give you a counter offer though. Give on this and I’ll bend you over and fuck you on the table till the only things coming out of your mouth are ‘Tony’ and ‘please’.” There was no questioning what Tony meant by this. Tony could feel the little control he had when Steve walked into his lab slip through his fingers like quicksand. He’d be lying to himself if he were to say he hadn’t been slipping from the start. That this was reaching the bottom of a hole he’d been sinking in for days.

 

Steve stared back at him, mirrored Tony’s tongue with his own. He broke away to flip through a couple pages. “Section D page 115, right?”

 

“That’d be the one we’ve spent the last thirty minutes talking about. Yeah,” Tony watched every movement with practice. Arguing. They always argued. At the start of the relationship it had been disagreements regarding their unique perspectives. In the middle, tactics. At the end, when Tony wasn’t an active combatant anymore, it had been this same unresolved sexual tension. After every argument Tony would find himself back in his quarters rubbing one out and imagining anything but Steve.

 

Steve kept reading. “I can give on that.” The ease with which Steve gave on this issue now incensed Tony all over again. Stubborn asshole. Tony wondered if they could wager the rest of the Accords through sex. Tempting, but unlikely. He hadn’t been misleading when he said this section was a small give in the scheme of things. Besides, Steve may be letting his sex drive control him for the moment, but he had been crystal clear these past two days about wanting more than that. Tony would never give him more, this was his one concession.

 

“Can you now? You sure about that?” Tony whispered tauntingly, the questions would have taken on the look of anger if it wasn’t for the drops in octave. The rest of the meeting after this would be strictly professional. Tony- it was something that needed to be gotten out of his system. By losing a little control he’d be gaining some back.

 

Steve made such a liar out of him. Tony wondered if he spent enough time in Steve’s presence what would he become. On their own, separate from each other, they both had ideals that should represent what could be good in the world. Together. They corrupted each other’s foundation of beliefs until all those solidly built walls came crumbling down. 

 

“Positive.”

 

“Okay then.” Tony hesitated. This line in the sand had already been crossed, but what did crossing it again mean? Two times a coincidence, three a habit? Did that mean that this number wouldn’t bear more consequences than one, but made him more free than a third.  He reasoned it into being okay. Logic centered around the illogical never resulted in anything good. Tony still created a new world and a set of rules based upon it. In this reality what he did next wouldn’t follow his every waking moment and ruin the rest of his life.

 

Tony stood up as elegantly as he could manage under the pressure. Steve perfectly copied the movement. He could be across that table in seconds. Be up against Tony in nearly an instant. Tony held his hand up and stared down at all of the paperwork across the desk.

 

“Come over here and strip.” He couldn’t recognize his voice. A low rumble, carefully grazing across syllables.

 

Steve’s chest was heaving. Just like it did when he gets so angry he can barely keep hold himself. His face was the same brightly flushed red. Steve takes off his shirt first while he rounded the piece of furniture. Tony could write sonnets about Steve’s chest. Make himself into a mockery of the renaissance man with badly painted artwork dedicated to the way Steve’s shoulders rolled back and all his muscles moved with that single motion. The red traveled all the way down to the waist of his pants and Tony could understand why Steve had been so quick to rip apart his clothing last time.

 

“It’s really unfair how gorgeous you are.” He doesn’t think anything else could take a hit to his IQ like Steve stepping out his pants. Tony only removed his suit jacket. Folds it over the back of one of the many chairs. Steve had, asked wasn’t he tired of this dance? Yes, but there was an aspect about taking Steve with all his own clothing still on and Steve with none that felt justified. That had his hand pulling harshly at the tie around his neck. Call it payback or punishment. He straightened out his dress shirt as he watches Steve get rid of everything, down to his socks.

 

Steve was smiling. Tony hated that. Not that he didn’t want Steve to enjoy himself, he’d always gotten off on his partner’s enjoyment, but he didn’t like what it said. Kind of like a small victory. A conqueror. It reminded Tony of those girls that would make bets on him and the look they’d send to their friends if he flirted back. Only this was a bet between the two of them and Tony could decipher whether he was winning or losing.

 

“Come closer,” Tony rasped. There were anecdotes for this. Tony couldn’t recall them clearly. Once foolish, twice fucking idiotic. Tony was the kind of man that didn’t let his mistakes define him, but grew from them, made himself better.

 

Better didn’t feel nearly as good as his hands sliding up Steve’s abs. Over his chest, over his nipple. Tugging, twisting. Steve cried out and it’s more intoxicating than all of those glasses he’d been planning to down on a tarmac since the start of their meetings. He does it again. Stares at Steve’s bright, bright blushing face and darkening eyes. Steve was dangerous and playing the role of putty in Tony’s hands. Tony wondered how far he could push the illusion.

 

He took a step back. Appraising Steve down from his feet, up to his hair that was too long. He picked Steve apart like Steve had done across the table from him. Blatantly conveying desire because restraint was overrated. Tony had tried being the good guy. The husband. The mentor. Maybe he could be all of that again someday, but right now he fell back into the persona of genius, billionaire, playboy like it wasn’t an ensemble but embedded into blood. The blood that boiled over when he said, “Bend over the table Rogers.”

 

Steve with his eyes and that face that looked so much more guarded with an unkept beard. Maybe in some ways sexier for it, but underneath all of the changes Tony could still see his friend, Steve Rogers. Who did what he believed in because any day could be his last. When any day had a sense of finality to it, the smallest concession in stacks of paperwork seemed like a instant threat. Tony didn’t agree with Steve, but he understood him. That’s what made it so difficult to fight over verbiage and-

 

Tony couldn’t remember what he’d been thinking. Steve bent over the table took up precedence in his mind. Tony moving his hands from muscled thighs to a tight ass. He’d dreamt of things like this too. “I’d have thought you’d have brought lube again Captain,” Tony mused out loud. Hand roving on his ass, dipping toward his hole and back up again.

 

“Back left pant pocket.”

 

Tony paused. Dug his nails in and Steve moans. Tony laughed out loud because it was no less absurd this time around. “I’ve never hated anyone the way I hate you.” Tony bent down rifling through Steve’s pants. “You should be flattered.” He pulled out the miniaturized bottle of lube and turned it over in his hand in careful consideration.  

 

Tony is a lot of things, but a sadist isn’t one of them. He drips the liquid over his fingertips. “Fast and rough? That’s how you like it right?” Tony questioned. He circled a finger around Steve’s entrance. He’d had lots of sex with many different people. What he didn’t do was angrily fuck them while thinking through every traumatic moment that led up to the act. This uncaring rage didn’t come naturally to him. He wanted to talk to it out, verbally confirm Steve’s amount of experience and tailor his actions accordingly. Only there was no space for that here. He couldn’t open himself up to caring and softer emotions that would also open the door for Steve to fuck him over again.

 

He’d left Tony. Alone. In the cold. He’d looked at Tony and made him think… Steve had made him think he was capable of killing him.

 

Tony roughly pushed in two fingers. Steve cried out and it was a mixture of pain and pleasure. Tony watched the lines of him writhe on those two fingers. How Steve’s body pushed back onto him, asking for more. Tony drizzled more lube on. He scissored and drags the digits in and out before he’s comfortable adding another. A degree of him present enough that he didn’t want to tear anything, even with Steve’s faster healing ability.

 

“You should see the way your ass is taking in my fingers Cap. I’ll never be able to tell you, you aren’t beautiful.” Steve groaned loudly and Tony pushes away any warm feelings the sound might evoke. He pulled his fingers free. “Do you want me to do this?” Tony asked while unbuckling his belt.

 

“Yes,” Steve’s answer is immediate, incessant. He’s pushed up to his elbows so he can stare back at Tony, eyelids lower but nothing in his face lacked feral intensity. Tony used his free hand to shove Steve head back toward the table, the other to unzip.

 

“I thought I said something about my name and begging.”

 

“Tony,” Steve started breathily. Tony runs his hand over his cock and holds in a groan. “If you run your mouth anymore I will physically put you on this table and ride you that way instead.”

 

Tony bursted out in a bout of laughter at the unexpected threat. “I guess there’s more than one way to get you to beg,” Tony countered, pouring on more lube while lining himself up. When he pushed in he could feel lights bursting behind his eyes. “You’re so tight,” he hissed out and knows he probably should have taken more time, but Steve is moaning and not being snarky. Those hands that can crush steel are dragging along the tabletop while Tony has settled his on Steve’s hips.

 

Tony gripped there hard enough that it would bruise anyone else. Maybe it would leave marks on Steve but they would be fleeting. He sunk in on one stroke. Pulled himself out only to push himself back in harder. There was no build up to the pace that he set mercilessly, intent on causing a bit of pain with all of the pleasure. Thighs smacking against thighs. Burst blood cells smattering to the top of Steve’s skin at the repeated impact. Steve making these sounds that made Tony believe he’d truly lost his mind.

 

“If I’d known it’d be this easy to get you to give on the Accords. I’d have offered this instead of the pens.” He suspected in any other position Steve would have knocked Tony flat across the room. Tony wouldn’t have bothered calling for the suit either. Steve let’s out this breathy sound and Tony knows he’s lost himself to a type of madness he may never come back from.

 

Tony was saying things. Cruel, dirty things pouring out of his mouth and he didn’t know where they were coming from. Why that only seemed to spur Steve on, he’d move his body back into each of Tony’s thrust despite every word.  “You were always asking for this weren’t you?” Tony gasped because he couldn’t stop himself. “We both knew.”

 

When he called Steve easy he asked for more. Told Steve he was a tease and Steve growled for something Tony couldn’t distinguished but gave him anyway. Tony told him he was a dirty whore and Steve begged him, said his name like a prayer. It all felt backwards and all the more heady for it. Tony bit into every inch of skin he could reach between increasingly brutal pistons of his hips. Only grabbed for Steve’s cock when Steve clearly groaned out his name. Told Steve in detail everything he could do to him, but would never give Steve the chance to experience.

 

Steve came all over Tony’s hand and clenched down around him. Writhing under him in the throes of orgasm. Tony breathed through the teetering edge he held himself at. Pulled out of Steve when the last shivers racked through his body.

 

“On your knees Rogers.”

 

He didn’t know what to expect when Steve turned around and sank to the floor. His eyes weren’t at all unfocused but burning. A mixture of fury and lust that Tony found so painstakingly familiar. He knew how they’d gotten here, but not how to fix it. Wasn’t really sure he wanted to fix it when Steve looked like he wanted to tear him apart all over again.

 

Tony stroked himself just inches from Steve’s lips, pulling low groans with each twist of his wrist. Steve moved closer, opening his mouth up in the perfect image of obedience. It would have had Tony in stitches, hyperventilating, or both if he wasn’t so close. He grabbed Steve by the strands of his hair instead. Pulling tight and stopping Steve before he could get his mouth around him.

 

“No,” Tony managed, his hand flying faster over himself. Steve looked confused but waited.

 

“Smile for me.”

 

It took a second for the command to sink in, but when it did- 

 

It looked more like a snarl than a smile.

 

Tony couldn’t give a fuck, his grip on Steve’s hair tightening further as he came in thick ropes across that painfully beautiful mouth and face. Sticking there and Tony couldn’t take the sight anymore, closing his eyes through the rest of it.

 

When Tony reopened them they were both panting. Utterly still in their exchange of blown pupils and sweat slicked bodies. Tony couldn’t help the gut response to seeing Steve’s face like that. Fierce, but painted with him. Tony wanted to turn away, but wasn’t sure where he’d go from there. Steve brought a hand up to his face. Dragged his finger through the come settling there, brought it to his mouth. Tony felt his mouth drop open, because Steve wouldn’t- Steve dipped the finger into his mouth, licking it and his lips clean.

 

It was obscene.

 

Tony yanked Steve up by his hair and their mouths crashed into each other. Steve pushed Tony against the wall and didn’t give him any room for thought. They tore into each other, conveying meaning through bodies with more honesty than their words ever would.

 

Tony had spent years of his life telling himself this was nothing. That it was a product of his imagination. He’d walked into the tower knowing better. He’d walked into this room knowing better. When Steve kissed him like that, he could suspend himself in time. Make these seconds into seconds that didn’t count. The rest of the world didn’t exist, his anger fuel to this fire. Steve the sun in a universe where the sun was the only thing that existed.

 

Only it wasn’t.

 

Logic wasn’t built on their world, but the one that an entire universe had created. With people. Other than them. With facts. Like, Steve couldn’t be trusted and Tony couldn’t trust himself around him, but kept leading himself into situations where they’d be alone.

 

The raising of a blaring Avengers’ alarm forced himself to be reminded of that.

  
  
  



	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello Readers!
> 
> I wanted to end the year with a bang by posting a chapter of TSBU. I hope you all enjoy it. (I also promised myself I wouldn’t leave rambly paragraphs in the author’s note section, the restraint I’m showing in enormous.) 
> 
> Thank you to [athletiger](https://archiveofourown.org/users/athletiger/profile) for beta reading this chapter, you continue to be amazing!

**July 28th, 2015**

 

Tony didn’t know what he was looking for at the bottom of these bottles, but he was going to keep drinking until he found it. Until all the pieces that made up the world made sense and he finally knew how to save it.

 

_ More. More. More. _

 

What did that even mean anymore? Doing more?

 

He could see Steve with blood trailing down his face. Dying, and it was no less bearable than the first time. A world where he was alive and Steve was dead… A world where the entire team was dead. A world where he wasn’t dead. It didn’t make any sense. None at all.

 

Perhaps the best thing Tony could do was what he’d already done: get the hell out of their way. He didn’t sell and trade in death anymore, but it still seemed to follow in his wake. He had a reaper on a weak chain, one where it slashed and cut at anything near. The only answer was that the remnants of the team needed to be well and far from him. Where his destruction couldn’t reach.

 

That’s how he’d save Steve and the others. Everyone. By keeping himself out of the picture.

 

It was easy to think, but sometimes he could see Steve so clearly that it was as if he was in the room with him. Towering over him. That thick gaze of disapproval lighting into him like a match. He didn’t need to open his mouth to tell Tony that he should be doing more than drinking himself into an early grave.

 

“Tony?”

 

Only when Tony imagined Steve, he was never questioning.  Unsure. There wasn’t any lightness or concern in the depths of his iris. He didn’t hesitate to move closer into his space. This Steve hesitated. Took in Tony’s languid pose on the couch. His rumpled up shirt and loose pants, mussed up curls and the lack of stylization with his facial hair. This Steve’s mouth turned down in a deep frown.

 

Even that caused an ache somewhere deep inside of Tony. All these phantoms in his brain made him miss the real thing. It’d only been a couple months, but he missed Steve. He missed his full body laugh, surprisingly snarky personality. The annoyingly domineering streaks and the way Steve always knew he was right. Tony missed their talks about the nothing and the important. He missed everything.

 

Tony couldn’t imagine a world without Steve in it. He couldn’t imagine leaving him frozen in the ice. Not looking for him harder. Or maybe the problem was that he could… In fact picture exactly that and couldn’t stand it.

 

This Steve hadn’t moved since he’d first said Tony’s name. Seemed stunned into silence. Was waiting for something.

 

“I’d have destroyed the arctic, traveled the galaxy, gone to different dimensions, all to find you.” It was a confession, but Tony made it sound like a haughty declaration.

 

Steve blinked before smiling. A little slyly, a little pleased. “Sounds like a lot of work.”

 

“Worth it,” Tony muttered, closing his eyes and reopening them. Expecting Steve to be gone, but he’d only moved closer. A dawning thought began to sink into him. “Oh, you’re real aren’t you?”

 

Steve laughed while nodding. “Yep and you’re drunk.”

 

If he were just one tenth of a percentile less drunk than he was, this would be embarrassing, Humiliating, doubt provoking. That hardly mattered when he was this drunk. It gave him permission to say the words out loud he’d always been thinking. His thoughts were distorted and disconnected in the way everything that had ever bothered him was joined together.

 

Steve was still looking down at him, amusement being overtaken by that concern. The disappointment that was so familiar to Tony, he’d grown up with it cloaked around him. For all the pain it caused him, it meant Steve was alive and not dead on some country road leading to nowhere. If he could feel sorry for Tony it meant that his heart was still beating.

 

Tony’s laughter was shaky. “When I was a kid I use to daydream that they would find you alive. That you would stand in front of me and my father. That you would tell me that I matter and that he would believe it too. Isn’t it funny how much things change?”

 

Steve grimaced as if Tony had slapped him. “You matter.”

 

“In all the wrong ways. What are you doing here Steve?” Tony couldn’t not grin in the face of this absurdity. A confused manic hysteria had it’s claws deeply embedded into his bones. It was disaster and end of days and he caused it all, he was humanity’s downfall. He had long since stopped being a merchant and was freely giving death away.

 

“We’ll talk about it when you’ve sobered up.”

 

“I’m not rejoining the team.” He couldn’t be in the battlefield when instead of being able to run calculations the only number that matter was one hundred and seventy-seven. Too high of a price to pay.

Steve put his hand around Tony’s upper arm and easily pulled him up into a standing position. The hand moved to his opposite shoulder so that he could continue to steady Tony as they took a step forward. “I wasn’t coming here to convince you to put on the suit.”

 

Tony snorted. “Who knew an old dog knew any other tricks?” He mused, in blatant disbelief.

 

“The team misses your concoctions,” Steve’s nose was wrinkled in disgust.

 

It took a moment for Tony to line that up, but he knew bait when he saw it. It didn’t stop him for walking right into Cap’s little trap. “Are you talking about my smoothies? You better not be. Those smoothies are great. Everyone loves them. You were the one that kept complaining about what I put in my mouth. You don’t get to complain after the fact too.”

 

“I wasn’t expecting you to make them for everyone.” The grousing would have been convincing if Tony hadn’t risked a glance in Steve’s direction. He was smiling fondly up at the ceiling.

 

Tony blamed his misstep on his alcohol to blood ratio. “So that’s what you want me for? To get to work in the kitchen? How forties of you Steve, I’m absolutely charmed.” Tony exaggerated with fluttering his eyelashes toward Steve while Steve rolled his eyes.

 

“You’ve got me Tony,” Steve managed with more deadpan Tony thought possible until that moment. It’d been weeks since a genuine smile had curled around his face. It took only a second for it to wipe back off. Happiness in any form it took wasn’t deserved. Didn’t feel right anymore.

 

“Really, what do you want Rogers? Not the suit, supposedly. Not my health initiatives for the team. Tech? I’ve been keeping up with repairs.” His words were too full of intoxication to fully get the defensive aggressiveness he’d been going for. Better an angry Steve than one helping him down the hallway to his bedroom. “What do you want from me?”

 

Steve stopped walking and had to tighten his grip on Tony’s shoulder to keep him from falling into the wall. Tony was drowning under that gaze and stern expression. It said, you’re the genius isn’t it obvious? It said, he already knew the answer to his own question, but Tony was only drawing blanks.

 

“I want you around. I don’t care if you never bring out Iron Man ever again, you’re still part of the team.” Steve took a deeper breath in an effort to stabilize what emotional state he was struggling with. “I thought you’d gone back to California. I just learned from Rhodey that you’ve been stuck up in this Tower for weeks. You are only a couple hours away-”

 

Steve stopped. Sighed. Ran his hand roughly through his hair.

 

“Keep doing that and you are going to be bald by two hundred Rogers.”

 

“Not everything serious has to become a joke Tony.”

 

“Here’s a joke. Self proclaimed hero responsible for the deaths of hundreds.” Tony rolled back his shoulder to force Steve’s hand to drop away from it. The churning heat in his gut from too many whiskeys mixed with the burning brand of fingertips became overwhelming for him. Tony staggered and had to steady himself against the wall. “Punchline is a bit shaky I know.”

 

“Tony-”

 

Tony held out his other hand. “Don’t.” He turned his head back against the wall and slid his way down to the floor. “Don’t Captain America me. I don’t want the speech. I don’t want my spirits lifted. There are families out there grieving because of me. That would be here if I-” he was shouting. Steve may be there, but he was only a member of the audience. The shouting was all for himself.

 

“I’ll repeat. What do you want me there for? What do you want from me?”

 

Steve said nothing. His face had gone unreadable, Tony stared holes into Steve’s sneakers instead. Ran his hands over his face, tried to erase the media images and bodies from his eyelids.

 

The silence was deafening in its nature. Left Tony to interpret every thought Steve must be having of him. He wasn’t sure what Steve was after, but only a fool would believe that all was forgiven. That Steve had missed him as he said he would. Was here to bring him back to a team that was better served without him around.

 

“I tried to do more. I tried to do what you asked.” There was shame in having stepped away. He wasn’t giving up, but he was better suited behind the scenes than on the battlefield. Time had showed him that. How many times would he put the lives of the people he cared about on the line before he’d understood that the world was telling him the most he could do was stop pretending to be a savior and staying put in his lab?

 

“Did what I asked? What did I ask?”

 

Tony’s breaths were coming too fast. Maybe he’d throw up. Throw up the contents of everything that made him, him. Let them spill across the floor so Steve could recoil away in disgust and Tony could finally walk away as a better person. “You told me I could have saved you.” Us. “You asked me to do more.”

 

_ You could have done more and look what you did instead. Look what you did to them. _

 

“When did I say that?”

 

Tony was losing track of all the different Steve’s in his life again - the one in the picture frame in his military uniform on the mantle of a long forgotten room, forever idolized? The one that stared down at him with disapproval across the length of a Helicarrier? The one that didn’t know how to dress in current century clothing? The one whose smile could create the illusion that clouds were a thing of the past, that there was only warmth and forgiveness in his future?

 

The one with empty eyes and blood dripping. Dripping. Dripping.

 

“Tony?”

 

Tony shook his head hard. “You didn’t,” Tony said sighing and squeezing shut his eyes tighter. Enough clarity was coming back that embarrassment over the realization of his current predicament was crawling in. He laughed dryly. “You’re right I’m just- I need some time.”

 

Steve extended his hand. Tony took it. “Take all the time you need, but don’t cut us out. We need you.” This time when Tony was pulled to his feet he found balance easier to keep. “Let’s get you to bed.”

 

“Can I quote you on that Cap?”

 

“Have JARVIS play it back to you as many times as you want.”

 

The dialogue had been born of repetition, words they’d said to each other a dozen times before. Now, it was comparable to having shrapnel in his chest all over again. Every extra beat it took was another second of borrowed time and agony. Tony could imagine the metal shard traveling deeper. Tearing his heart apart from this inside out.

 

“Shit,” Steve uttered and Tony didn’t even feel the need to mock chide him over the swearing. There was still the surprised thrill despite everything else. “I’m sorry Tony. I should have let Rhodes come here instead. I-” The number of aborted sentences that had gathered in this conversation were growing uncomfortably large. Steve didn’t try to say anything else to that, a silent agreement to let that line of conversation die.

 

Steve opened the door to the bedroom and managed to maneuver them both through the doorway. Tony deposited himself to the edge of his bed, kicking off his socks as he went. He rubbed at his ankle before staring back to the ever expanding concern radiating off of Steve. Scorn, scorn would make this better.

 

He laid back onto his monochromatic comforter. “You leaving?”

 

“I’m worried about you choking on your own vomit,” Steve responded dryly.

 

Now it was Tony’s turn to roll his eyes. “FRIDAY watches my vitals while I sleep. I’ll be fine.” Steve wasn’t moving, Tony could catch a shadow of him by the nightstand from his periphery.

 

“What happened wasn’t all on you. Whatever Maximoff made you see, you weren’t right after it. You still aren’t. I should have done something about it sooner.” It wasn’t true. The potential of what had happened had always laid there in wait. Tony didn’t know how to live life and not be a little reckless. His experiments were a run of trial and error. Rushed to perfection when the only one at risk was himself, only this time it went much further than himself.

 

The words may not have been true, but the iron grip on his lungs lessened in its pressurized hold. He’d never gone into details with Steve about what he’d seen. Steve had never gone into details with him. He didn’t plan on changing that, but he still needed to know what more looked like. “Can I ask you something Cap?”

 

“Yes,” Instantaneous in his reply.

 

Tony’s original question had melted away back into the depths of his mind. Another one, an older one stood out in contrast in its stead. “I keep offering to help you find Barnes and you never let me. Why?” Tony pushed himself up to his elbows to watch Steve’s reaction. Steve was much closer than he’d originally thought. Their legs only an inch away from brushing.

 

Steve’s facial expression had started out earnest and open. It shut down immediately. People like Steve didn’t feel fear the way regular people did. Didn’t often have it reflect obviously across his face. This wasn’t that, but it wasn’t a far cry from it either.

 

Tony couldn’t fully interpret the look he was at the receiving end of. It was obviously another rejection in this line of question. “I could- Is it because you don’t-” It’d been over a year since the discovery that Bucky Barnes was alive and Tony knew he could help. Do more in a way that wouldn’t hurt anyone. “The things I can do with recognition software you wouldn’t believe. Let me help you.”

 

Steve had found his voice by clearing his throat. He pasted on an uneasy smile and placed his hand on Tony’s shoulder. It had nothing to do with steadying him this time. “You’ve helped me plenty. I don’t need your help here.” Despite Steve’s earlier words all Tony could hear was I don’t need you.

 

“Always so adamant here Cap,” Tony turned his head away, studied the lack of patterns on a white wall. He couldn’t remember why he preferred muted tones anymore.

 

“It’s my battle to face. I need to do this my way,” Steve’s words were steady, insistent, deliberate. Meant to squash the inquiry for good this time.

 

“Okay Cap.”

 

“Thanks for offering. Again.” There was a teasing note there, an effort to lighten the conversation.

 

“I-”,  _ Would do anything for you _ , “- wont ask again.” He could already tell that he’d regret this conversation in the morning, but it was minuscule compared to everything else Tony wanted to take back. Steve wouldn’t hold tonight against him.

 

The bed pressed downward when Steve sat next to him instead of leaving Tony with a smidgen of his dignity left. “You’re looking in a bad way. I get that you need time, but come visit us at the facility. People want to see you. I think it could do you some good.”

 

“I’m not rejoining the team Rogers,” Tony ground out the words more clearly, stronger than he had previously. He could feel genuine annoyance starting to seep in.

 

“I’m not asking that. I’m not going to ask you that Tony. You put in the work, you deserve a break.” Tony shifted, leaning further away rather than closer as his brain was telling him to do. Break, implied temporary. To be fair, he’d been assuming Clint’s retirement was just a break. It wasn’t the type of fight you could easily walk away from indefinitely. Not for family, when not being there meant that family was at risk.

 

“I can’t see you-” Die. Tony groaned and tried to figure out a better way to put it. No one could promise not to die when their business was self sacrifice. “I can’t see us fail. Together. Alone. I can’t see that again Rogers.”

 

Steve had his brows drawn together. Tony knew he was probably struggling to follow the twists of this conversation, but his next words came easy. “We won't. Not with you around and I don’t mean as an Avenger. There’s more than one way to support a team. Help me train the new recruits. They are shaping up, but they aren’t quite a team yet.”

 

“Rhodey can help you with that better than I can. Much better team player.”

 

“Rhodes is excellent, but he’s not you. I need you.”

 

Tony sighed heavily. Squeezed his eyes shut tighter. Helping Steve train the recruits? There wasn’t- He could do that. There wasn’t a lot that could go wrong there. He couldn’t forget about his goal when he started all of this. Redemption could take on many forms.

 

“FRIDAY?”

 

“Yes, Boss?” Came the not too familiar Irish lilt over the speakers.

 

“Can I get what Steve just said put in my private servers. I’m going to need it to play back at him at every opportune moment.”  

 

“Got it, Boss.”

 

Reopened eyes, Tony turned to look at Steve. He wasn’t quite smiling, but there was obvious relief in the tension of facial muscles. “What are you still doing here Cap? How am I supposed to get my beauty sleep if you keep chatting me up? I can’t help train the misfits if I don’t have my beauty sleep.”

 

That got Steve the rest of the way there. The kind of smile that started at the mouth, but lit up the eyes and had his entire body thrumming with a dangerously contagious energy. “I’ll be seeing you tomorrow Mr. Stark.”

 

“I’m not getting there until noon at the earliest Captain Rogers,” Tony responded back with a patented smirk. He’d be there after he consumed every hangover cure known to mankind.

 

Steve paused in the doorway. “Thank you Tony.”

 

He left before Tony could make him swallow that statement back into his mouth. Steve had nothing to thank Tony for. Absolutely nothing at all.

 

* * *

 

**Present Day**

 

Over the years Tony had been caught in a number of compromising positions before running into battle. A long list that involved crashing out the fiftieth floor of board meetings, jumping out of planes on their way to Japan, rushing out of the bathroom and more. What wasn’t on that list was being caught with his hands full of a war criminal super soldier with his pants figuratively around his ankles.

 

There wasn’t colder ice water in the world. They jumped apart like magnets of the same polarity. Steve had started for his clothes with quick military efficiency. Tony couldn’t help being thankful for the fact that he only needed to zip up his pants before running down the hall. His clothing was otherwise in a complete disarray, but that would hardly matter once he had his suit on over the ensemble.

 

Walking out of the hallway, there was a ghost of temptation to look back. To see Steve pull up his clothes along his legs. To lean against the door with folded arms and smirk. To wait for him. Kiss him one more time, before putting his life on the line. There was something exhilarating about the idea that he could not come back. That one last kiss from Steve wouldn’t haunt him or be left to deal with when he strode back into the facility. He could take one last second-

 

Tony shook the thought away, concentrating on what really mattered.

 

“FRIDAY, talk to me.” He debated having the suit come to him, but in the scheme of things it wouldn’t it wouldn’t make a big enough time difference. The short walk was needed to clear the remnants of stray thoughts he was experiencing.

 

“We have four unique heat signatures off the East Coast of New Jersey Boss. Two are confirmed to be Asgardian, the third and fourth are of an unknown origin.” Almost as an afterthought, “Not human.”

 

“What else do you got for me?” Tony muttered, tapping rapidly against his watch. His suit was waiting and raring to go.

 

“There is a significant energy spike at their location, matching the one we saw in India. I count eighty-seven civilians within the potential blast radius.”

 

“Can they clear the area before it reaches critical mass?” Tony could hear his blood rushing as his pulse picked up with the implications of what could happen, what would happen if he didn’t get there to stop it.

 

“I don’t know Boss.”

 

“How long do we got?”

 

“Information is limited, but patterns from the last occurrence suggests we have less than twenty minutes.”  He’d brought up the specs and had the same calculations before FRIDAY had a chance to speak them. That should be enough time for civilians to get clear of the area, if it weren’t for their penchant for stopping to gawk. Tony was rounding the corner while sending out a message to first responders in the area when he nearly ran into Rhodey.

 

“I know you aren’t about to go out there by yourself,” was the first thing out of Rhodes mouth.

 

Tony’s eyes cut sharply to the side. “Well, I just miss the one man act days so much,” he drawled, resuming his brisk pace down the hall. In reality, he wasn’t willing to risk SHIELD agents when the tech he’d come up with to combat the foreseen energy blast could only be fully tested out in said combat. He wasn’t willing to put someone’s life on the line for a test run. Vision would be the ideal one to send out for this fight, even if the counter energy shields Tony had come with failed, vibranium should be able to take the hit with minimal damage to his person. Only one problem, “I don’t know where Vision is.”

 

An ongoing problem as of late, he’d kept continuing his disappearing act. At this rate Tony was actually going to have to put surveillance on the guy. It felt like the board had been flipped around and Tony was in charge of keeping track of all the pieces. Right then, he would much rather be swiping them all onto the ground.

 

Rhodey was struggling to keep pace with him and despite the ticking hands of an invisible clock, Tony found himself slowing in his gait. He glanced over to Rhodes and wasn’t sure what he was expecting. Not the frustration that poured out of his best friend in steady waves. There was concern for Tony’s safety lurking in there, but more than anything else was Rhodey’s desire to be in his very own suit, having each others backs.

 

“I’ve got this,” He was hoping it would be less of a lie this time around. Tony clapped Rhodes on the back a little too hard, they both winced. The awkwardness grew and he couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt this uncomfortable around anyone. He wasn’t sure if it was the reality of Rhodey’s injury re-presenting itself or the fact that he’d just had some of the best and stupid sex of his life.

 

Regardless of the why he couldn’t let the conversation end there. Not with self-mourning echoing out of Rhodes. “I’ve almost got War Machine optimized-” Tony started in effort  to break the tension and offer some kind of assurance, but Rhodes was starting a sentence of his own.

 

“What do you have on your face?” Rhodey asked, his face screwing up as he squinted at Tony’s facial hair. Tony brought his hand up to his face, less to figure out what was there and more to shield Rhodes from looking any closer. If he were about twenty-five years younger he’d be turning red. As it was instead, he shrugged.

 

“Nothing.” Definitely not the remnants of an idiotic decision, that had transferred onto his face after a heavy, post-coital makeout session.

 

It would have been more convincing if Steve hadn’t chosen that moment to come barreling down the hall, shirt in hand instead of covering the expanse of his chest. Face slightly flushed in a combination of annoyance and mild exertion. He pinned Tony down with a look that radiated disappointment, agitation and barely reigned in anger. Tony found his tongue tracing over his bottom lip reflexively.

 

Tony forced himself to look away and back at Rhodey. It only took half a second for Rhodes to swing his head back and forth between the two of them. Pieces coming together perfectly behind his eyes.

 

There was actually a lapse where neither Tony nor Rhodey said anything. Friends that knew each other for this long could communicate without a word. Tony hoped it would end there. That a look would be enough and that Rhodey wouldn’t actually put into speech what he was seeing.

 

Tony hoped, but knew better than to actually believe that was a possibility.

 

“I see what you got on your face.” Rhodey looked too smug for the circumstances.

 

“It’s not what it looks like,” Tony tried. It may be a lost battle, but he wasn’t going down without a bit of a fight.

 

“You want me to tell you what it looks like?” Tony didn't need to be told, he could imagine. Not a single strand of Steve’s hair could agree on which direction it wanted to go. While Steve had managed to wipe his face down, unlike Tony, his mouth was an abused red. In a few steps they’d be able to see imprints of Tony’s hand and teeth along Steve’s skin.

 

There was no point in denying it. “It’s a little what it looks like,” Tony admitted, pasting on a fake smirk. If he thought his heart had been pounding before, the concept of battle had nothing on this. Whatever this fucked up thing was, it was no longer just between just Steve and Tony. It had escaped into reality and Tony could see the full extent of his mistakes reflected back at him through someone else’s eyes. What he found there was damning.

 

“I was under the impression that the alarm still meant we assemble,” Steve said giving them both one of his more sterner expressions. Tony was under the impression that clothing wasn’t an optional part of said assembly, looked like they would both be reeling from new found revelations.

 

“We’re busy planning Tony’s coming out party,” Rhodey remarked.  Steve hadn’t slowed his pace to match theirs, just shook his head at them and kept walking. A loosening in the tension between his shoulders the only sign part of him was either amused or pleased by Rhodes comment.

 

Tony would deal with where exactly Steve thought he was heading in a second. First, he swung his head over to his friend. “You’re being a real Richard right now Rhodey.”

 

Rhodey’s wide stretching smile didn’t last long before a more serious mask took its place. “We’re gonna talk about this later. Go save the Jersey Shore for the both of us.” He nodded towards Steve who was almost at the end of the hall and at the door leading outside. Rhodes may be walking away and teasing now, but this was far from over. It wasn’t a heart to heart Tony was looking forward to. In fact, he was suddenly remembering a conference in Australia he needed to desperately attend.

 

The dread was relatively easy to push into the background; he had years of experience regarding prioritizing his emotions into the background. He did so while jogging to catch up with Steve. “Where do you think you’re going?” He questioned when he was within touching distance. He was feeling his age as the words came out with an utter lack of elasticity. It was his best command voice and still didn’t hold a candle to Cap’s.

 

Steve merely glanced at him with an eyebrow raised.

 

Tony huffed. “You’re staying right here. I can’t have the public seeing us together before we get the Accords hammered out. It would be a nightmare and I’d lose leverage I need to get you back here legally.”

 

“If you think you’re going by yourself-

 

“Visions meeting me. Nothing to worry about.”

 

“Vision is in Romania, I highly doubt he’ll make it in time to meet you anywhere.”

 

Tony worked his jaw out of agitation. “He’s where?” The two words were ground out in a low sounding question. He’d thought he’d been on top of things these past few months, but was beginning to suspect his focuses had been misguided. Tony wasn’t quite sure how he’d missed that. Had thought of Vision regularly leaving the compound as a sign of further growth. The evolutions Vision had already undergone in such a short period of time were remarkable.

 

“Romania. With Maximoff. They think they are flying under the radar, but-” Steve glanced over to Tony’s growing expression of annoyance. “Perhaps it isn’t as obvious to everyone else.”

 

His body wasn’t sure if it wanted all the color to drain from his face or rush up there. It left for a dizzying and confusing couple steps.  “This is unbelievable. Actually unbelievable.”

 

“I think it’s cute.” Tony knew if he looked at Steve, he’d be smiling. He had enough restraint not to look, ignoring the pull in his stomach.

 

“Oh, shut up,” he muttered, running his hands in his hair.

 

Steve laughed.

 

“I’ll be fine on my own.” Tony pushed open the door to outside. They were on a launch pad decorated with a few of their smaller aircrafts. The suit hovered enticingly in the air. The shining red and gold alloys its own kind of siren's call. It was only a matter of time before the two of them ended up broken apart on the rocks together. Tony had a gut feeling that today would not be that day.

 

The laughter abruptly cut off. Steve reached for Tony’s arm before the suit could adhere to him. “No, you’re not.”

 

Tony put all of his weight into aggressively shaking Steve’s hand off. It didn’t budge. “Knock it off Rogers. I’m on a clock and this is not up for negotiation,” he broke out his reprimanding voice again, but it was going higher pitched than he’d like. It wasn’t the most intimidating words and it did nothing to deter Steve from glowering down at him.

 

“Leave and I’ll be taking one of these aircrafts to the coast instead.”

 

Tony actually laughed at that. At the idea that Steve even thought he could get past the encryptions that could ground the planes for good. “I’d love to see you try.”

 

“I’m sure I could get Rhodes to assist.”

 

Tony paused and thought about that for a moment. Rhodey couldn’t get past it either, especially if he beefed up the security as he flew to location. He doubted Rhodes would help Steve to begin with, but there was a margin for error here. Regardless of whether or not he would help Steve, it would be added onto the lecture he was already returning to. It made more sense, was safer for everyone if he brought Steve along. Getting Steve and the others back under the umbrella of an Accords revision wasn’t actually as important as all the lives within that blast radius.

 

Tony squeezed his eyes shut. When he pulled away his arm this time, Steve let him. It was infuriating that he only had control over his own body at the whims of another person. But, Tony had been afflicted with that problem long before Steve’s hands had gotten anywhere near touching him.

 

He did a slight hand motion toward the suit. Only the slightest change in the air an indication that it was seamlessly closing in around him. There were no metallic clicks, just the armor sliding into place along his body like it had always belonged there. It made a distant tower in a city full of them seem distant. This was coming home, this is what destiny and fate felt like. He curled and uncurled his fist, metal following along with the movement.

 

When he opened his eyes Steve was there. Staring at him as if he’d never seen the Iron Man Suit. As if this were the the first time. As if there were no slates to clean. Tony should have moved away when Steve’s hand reached out and traced along the outer shell of the helmet. They really didn’t have time for this, but he couldn’t seem to make himself move.

 

Tony held his breath. It felt more intimate than sex, Steve’s hand on his armor. Steve looking into the slits of a metallic mask and seeing him in all of his entirety. Tony wondered what images where playing through Steve's mind. Tony wondered if he realized that this was proof that it didn’t matter if Steve broke him. Again and again and again. It didn’t matter because he could build himself back to this every time. No matter how many times, until his last breath he could build a better, stronger armor.

  
  


Tony breathed out while stepping back from Steve and too many complicated emotions. All of that practice in pushing feelings to a background noise now felt like an under-worked muscle. It didn’t have the strength it use to in that moment. He breathed again, slower this time. Turned to walk further down the small airfield. He didn’t look back.

 

“Are you coming?”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can find me on Tumblr [here](http://ofthelilies.tumblr.com/)! Have a wonderful day.


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